Go Slow, Let it Go, Anticipate

I love mantras, intentions, a focus. Each month, I spend some time going through the prompts provided by my Cultivate Planner and chose a word or a phrase that will serve to guide me intentionally through the month.
I ask God to set words apart for me that will provide a visual reminder of how He wants me to cooperate with His Spirit and His work in my life for that month. 

Obviously, I cannot know what the month ahead will hold, but I can look at my calendar, think about the season of life I am in and decide how to make the most of it all. 

For this December, I chose the phrase, "Go slow, Let it go, Anticipate."

Christmas can be such a time of frenzy. It can come and go so fast that by January 1st, we wonder what just happened. It can also be heavy with expectations that are hard to meet, demands we place on ourselves and others. 

I've spent too many years getting to December 25 and feeling like I wasted a month. I have stood at Christmas Eve service with my candle lit, unable to truly enter in the solemn anticipation of what we are about to receive in recognizing the coming of Christ because I cannot stop obsessively going through the mental checklist of all I wanted to do, had to do, forgot to do, and still need to do. 

So, for several years now, I have sought to approach December differently than I have in the past, intentionally, purposefully.  I want to come to January 1st knowing that I was not whisked through the whirlwind of shopping, decorating, baking, and all the other typical trappings of Christmas and missed the wonder of it all. 

Go slow
I am task oriented by nature and love efficiency, probably to an idolatrous level. Just this morning, I found myself stirring my emergen-c drink while trying to fill my K-cup with coffee grounds at the same time. I mean, I do have two hands.  Might as well make both of them work at the same time?! Ah...this is my default setting. 

And, then I remembered how I actually want to go through my days: walking not sprinting. I want to go slow.
For me, it means

• doing ONE thing at a time
• walking through my house at a reasonable pace (I am known to move rather quickly from task to task)
• not allowing my brain to shift into its default setting of frenetically thinking through all that needs to be done but rather purposing to be fully present with what is right in front of me.

But, guess what happens when I slow down, am fully present and not rushing through my days?  I don't get to everything I want to get to. 

Laundry piles up. 

Floors remain crumby. 

Leaves continue to blanket my yard. 

I miss a lot of deals on stuff we might want to buy for ourselves or others. 

There is not a ubiquitous supply of cookies and fudge in my house throughout December and so on and so on. 

Hence, the second part of my guiding mantra for December, "Let it go."

Let go of my endless expectations to make it all perfect.
Let go of the expectations others may have of me to show up, give the best gift, give a gift at all.
Let go of the expectations the culture around me that tells me there is a specific and comprehensive way to "do Christmas right."  It just ain't so. 

Let go of the fear of letting my kids down.  (Maybe the hardest one for me. Am I right, mommas?)

As I go slow and let it go, it makes room for me to anticipate, and this, for me is what December is really all about. Or, at least for me, this is what I want the month of December to be all about. 

A few ways I anticipate the coming of Christ.

• Choose an advent book or plan to go through by myself and one I go through with my family. This year, I am using a book I found at a used bookstore, a total gamble of a purchase and a departure in style and content from many of the advent books I have used in the past, but one I am excited about nonetheless. It's called, "Simply Wait: Cultivating Stillness in the Season of Advent" by Pamela C. Hawkins.
  
  For my family, I am using a free online study I received in my inbox from Study Gateway. It is a "Case for Christmas" written by Lee Strobel.  This was a timely study for our family this year, so we are jumping in each week watching the videos and spending just a brief time in discussion.
  

A plethora of advent material exists. Do just a quick search on Amazon, and you will find a host of products, books and materials to choose from.

A few of my favorite over the years are:
Ann Voskamp's, "The Greatest Gift."  She has a book for adults and separate ones for you to use with your children. 

Russ Ramsey's "Behold the Lamb of God: An Advent Narrative."

Sally Lloyd Jones's "Jesus Storybook Bible" and advent plan.

When my children were preschoolers, I simply looked up "Free printable advent coloring pages," found something I loved and printed them.  I had the kids color them, and we hung them on a long piece of twine in our basement as a fun visual for them to add up the days to Christ's coming.

• Light it up!  My husband and I are big fans of light: natural light, candlelight, LED light, etc. Christmas is the perfect time of year to confront the ever-darkening days of winter with lights of every kind. We light our Christmas tree, wrap stringed lights around our floor lamp poles, weave lights through our pine garland, and set candles wherever there may be any shadows.
  
  Each morning, I amble down the dark hallway with the glee of knowing I get to turn on all the lights. I used to wait until the evening came, but I am finding this year, I want to enjoy the lights all day long.
  
  I try to pass on the spirit of anticipation and glee by giving special permission to my youngest to light the candles.  Kids love playing with fire, and this builds an atmosphere that something special is happening.

Over the years, there have been other ways I have built anticipation into our daily December rhythms such as putting an empty manger (think shoe box with straw inside) under the Christmas tree. On Christmas morning, "baby Jesus" shows up in the manger (think whatever baby doll I can find lying around the house, usually one that had no clothing on it...which, come to think of it, is probably rather accurate.)  

I have a nativity set with a manger and baby Jesus that is separate. So, I hide that baby Jesus as well; He comes out on Christmas morning to take His place of 'honor.'  

I have visual "cues" around the house to foster a spirit of anticipation such as scrabble pieces that spell out "We Wait" on my kitchen window sill above where I wash dishes daily, the word, "Adore" decoratively hanging from a birch peg log my parents gifted me years ago, nativity sets from all around the world providing the bulk of our Christmas decor in the main living areas of our home, and framed Christmas cards that speak of the Christ to come. 

These are just a few ways I have sought to cultivate a spirit of anticipation in my home. I know many of you could come up with many more and creative ways to do similar. And, I would love to hear about them in the comments. 

If you love the hustle and bustle, and the frenetic pace most people get caught up in this time of year gives you a buzz, then go for it. It's your jam and your way of making the most of this season.  For me, however, I will choose to go slow, let it go and anticipate. 

Bitter or Better, Our Choice

I rounded the corner at the end of the hallway and realized I knew where I was. This was a familiar place. When it dawned on me, I looked to my boys, now 13, and with a smile, pointed to these two chairs and said, “Boys, I nursed you in those chairs and on the floor of one of the exam rooms in the back. Initially, I recounted this to them as a fond memory, filling them in on a time they were very much a part of but would have no remembrance because they were just babies, days old as a matter of fact. 

But then, as I took a seat to wait once again for an ultrasound to be taken of my oldest’s (by two minutes) eyes, the tears welled up in my own eyes. Surprised by this rush of emotion, I tried to quell the sobs that were building, to no avail. There in the pediatric division of Wilmer Institute at Johns Hopkins, I sat and sobbed. My sons inquired; a nurse walked by observing and offered us dum dums, the quintessential, “This will make everything better” offering to all children in every hospital or medical clinic worldwide, I am convinced. The external stimuli jolted me out of that traumatic place the sight of those two chairs took me, and I was able to compose myself enough to decline the sweet nurse’s offer of comfort in lollipop form. 

• 
  

It’s been 13 years walking a road I never could have anticipated traveling. When we were first told about our son’s diagnosis of Sturge Weber Syndrome and all the potential havoc it could wreak on his, and subsequently our lives, we were shell shocked. Entering Hopkins’ clinics just days after my twins were born introduced us to a world of specialists, medical jargon, tests, procedures and surgeries we would not know anything about should God have spared us from this lot. But 13 years later, I can see how much we have all grown through what God chose for us. I can see we have learned so much; we have grown in empathy and informed compassion for a whole segment of this world that we may have otherwise overlooked or even ignored. I can see our endurance for life’s challenges, curve balls, unexpecteds and unknowns has been strengthened. 

• 
  

 I want to take this opportunity to encourage anyone who’s been thrust upon a life path you never would have chosen and can’t get off of. Or maybe you did run after & welcome a certain life trajectory, but it’s all new and proving to be harder than you thought it would be, with costs you aren’t sure you’re prepared to pay. Time really is an important player that you will either thank or regret depending on what you cultivate with that time. 

It may be cliche, but the truth nevertheless remains. Circumstances can make you bitter or better, and it’s time that will deepen what you chose to cultivate. Let me be a voice in your life today urging you to fight to be shaped for the better by whatever it is that is pressing down hard on you right now. Be vigilant about uprooting those bitter seeds that want to grow deep in your soul. They often sound like, “This isn’t fair. I deserve better than this. I hate my life. Why do things go well for everyone else but me? What have I done to deserve this? How will anything good come from this?” 

I’m not saying that there won’t be struggle or that I never thought these things or still don’t sometimes think these things. But, let’s together remember we have a choice in what we’re going to do when these thoughts come. We can choose to nurture these embittering thoughts or reject them and replace them with God’s truth. He has promised to work all things together for the good of those who love Him. He has promised to fulfill His purposes for our lives, and as those who love Jesus and have given our lives to Him, we can trust His purpose is to prosper us and not to harm us. It might look oh so different than we could ever have imagined, but He is wise. He is good. And He will sustain us even through the darkest of times. 

• 
  

We received another diagnosis yesterday for my son, one that likely has been there since he was born. And despite the numerous eye specialists who have spent hours, that could likely amount to days if added up, looking into the depths of my son’s eyes, this anomaly was not discovered until yesterday. It’s likely the cause of his extremely poor vision in his one eye, at least according to the doctor we saw yesterday. Honestly, who really knows? 

I could be tempted to anger over this, but for 13 years, I have sought to cultivate a firm belief that God is my son’s Creator, Sustainer and his ultimate Physician. And He reveals what He wants and keeps hidden what He wants hidden even to the “Best of the Best.” And because I’ve cultivated that truth over a long period of time, I do not have to get angry about this potentially missed diagnosis. I do not have to wonder if we could have preserved better vision in that eye had this been discovered earlier in his journey. I can fully trust that we have sought God throughout my son’s whole life for help with his needs. We have followed through on what God led us to do, the doctors to whom He led us. And we can have confidence that though we undoubtedly have not walked this out perfectly, we have a God who is perfect in all His ways even when His ways seem to run counter to our finite wisdom. For 13 years, I have imperfectly but genuinely cultivated trust in God, and I’m not going to stop trusting Him now. 

Today, I’m beckoning you to do the same.

Thoughts from the funeral home. In memory of my Uncle Dick

Brokenness and beauty
Pride and humility
Confusion and clarity
Grief and celebration
Despair and hope
Doubt and confidence
Turmoil and peace
Merit and mercy
Shadow and sunlight
Toil and rest
Fear and courage
In these we live and die.
All is grace.

To honor Rare Disease Day, 2017

Initially, the OB said he was bruised from the birthing process which I found odd because he was pulled out along with his twin, via emergency C-section.

The next day, however, we met our pediatrician who proceeded to clarify for us that our son, Judah, was not bruised but born with a permanent birthmark called a Port Wine Stain (PWS) covering 40% of his body, most of his face and skull, and carried with it the possibility of an accompanying rare syndrome known as Sturge-Weber Syndrome (SWS).

Five days after Judah was born, we drove to Johns Hopkins where skin, eye, and neurological evaluations confirmed Judah had two of the three markers for SWS: skin and eye. Neurological involvement was then unknown and since has been ruled out as much as medical knowledge can provide that assurance.

It is still essentially unknown if Judah will remain free of neurological involvement, but to date we are grateful God has not asked us to walk through those particular hardships.

Nevertheless, the challenges we have faced these past twelve and a half years have all drawn us closer to God, to each other, to our community of friends and fellow Christians who have more than done their part in shouldering this burden with us.

And by burden, I mean the surgeries, the procedures, the endless quest for a cure, the countless crossroads we have come to where decisions have had to be made on Judah's behalf--something that has at times evoked significant anxiety, self doubt and near paralysis as a mother.

But, never, never do I or have I seen or felt Judah a burden. He is such a delight to our family and all who know him.

He is a joyful, outgoing, intelligent, creative, opinionated, strong, compassionate little man who feels deeply, loves sincerely, sings sweetly, perseveres, has so many dreams for his future, is ambitious, and a conqueror.

I love this kid whose rarity exceeds his diagnosis of SWS and extends into his person-hood, his infectious smile and warm hugs.

I look at his red face everyday, left side more full with hypertrophy from the genetically mutated proliferation of blood vessels, and see nothing but a handsome gift from God.

January

gloomy, gray days
when will the fog lift?
for an ice storm?
into a bank one drifts

illness after illness
squeeze life and laundry
into the cracks
between runs for antibiotics

fill the diffusers
pump the fluids
wash hands
daily probiotics

make bone broth
take immune boosters
lots of vitamin C
and hand sanitizer

cover your mouth
don't share food
wonder why one well sibling
is in school

wafts of lysol
drinks of ACV or hard liqor
to tighten up
a loose stomach

postponed plans with friends
finally cancelled 'til spring
sickness circulates
keeping track of meds

rest
hot tea
blankets
lots of TV

This is January.

Why #adifferentway is going to be the Almengor way through 2017

We Almengors are a family of mantras. It is mostly my husband’s doing, but I am agreeable to it because I love having a focus or goal, and I love words yet am less concise with them than my husband. Verbosity is my game which does not work so well when trying to convey the heart of a matter quickly. 

When in the midst of our everyday, sometimes frantic life, communicating the goal quickly is necessary, skipping the lecture, preferred. So, for 2017, Lawrence and I have chosen a mantra of #adifferentway because we are now living in the era of the hashtag, and we have fully embraced it at our house. I unashamedly love the hashtag movement.

A different way. What does that mean for us? Let me try to flesh that out here.

Lawrence and I read a book last year that influenced the two of us greatly called, “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” by Peter Scazarro. We were impressed with how much of an impact our families of origin, culture and the experiences of our childhood have had upon our marriage, parenting, friendships, and relationships within our extended family.  And, we realized there are now patterns of behaving, speaking, and reacting to situations that just are not in keeping with what we see exemplified in the Bible by Christ and other followers of Jesus.

We are passing these sins and habits onto our children. They are now 12, 12 and 9 and giving full expression to some of the sinful ways of their parents. Oh, how difficult that is to see sometimes.

In some of these behaviors, we are simply stuck after years of wearing down a nice, deep rut. We know love is patient and kind, but the tone of our voices still sounds so sharp and even cruel at times.  We know we want to embrace a godly sorrow when faced with our sin, repent and ask for forgiveness from God and from each other, but goodness, that stubborn pride of ours just doesn’t want to hear it in the moment especially. 

So, we came up with a prompt of sorts: #adifferentway.  We learned that in the heat of a “moment,” it’s harder to hear, “You are wrong and need to repent,” and easier to hear, “There is a different way through this. You can choose a different way.”

When we say #adifferentway, we mean that

• ·        You are not enslaved to this all too familiar way of responding
• ·        You are not defined by this pattern of speech or way of behaving
• ·        You are able to choose in this moment the godly way through
• ·        You are able to ask for wisdom and grace and receive it right in this moment
• ·        You are able to change

Like a flick of a rubber band around one’s wrist, #adifferentway will become for us a jolt out of some ruts we have laid over the years. Or at least we hope so.

#Adifferentway also makes room for us to keep exploring and trying on new ideas and routines. Where we, for years, have enjoyed family night on Fridays with pizza and a movie, we are going to try using some of those Friday nights to play games together.  Watching a movie every Friday night was good for us as a family for many years. It was easy for us as parents who, by the end of the week, were bone tired from raising and home educating young children.  And, it also built within our family a cache of common stories to refer back to, inside jokes, and one-liners. And we will continue to watch good movies for this purpose.

But, our children are entering a new season of growth and development, and it seems a good time to step up our game in pursuing them relationally. We *think* we are ready to take on the potential mire of playing games together for the new level of growth that might afford us as a family and as human beings.

Another area we are exploring #adifferentway is in how we educate our children. We are currently in our 7^th year of homeschooling, and aside from one year for the boys in Kindergarten at a private school, my children have never known anything but home education.  We may continue down this road, but we are going to at least explore what it might look like to educate #adifferentway.  I am working on a few shadow days for my kids to experience at a handful of local schools.  I don’t know what will come of this, but we are stepping out and choosing to investiage #adifferentway.

On a personal note, I want to grow in communicating God’s story in my story by way of writing and public speaking. To do this, I know I need to be a voracious reader except that I am not. L  I kicked around the familiar plan of upping my reading intake but #adifferentway occurred to me, and I am choosing that instead. This different way is in keeping with the doer God created me to be versus the sit and read volumes of material person I am not. 

Instead of doubling the amount of books I read in a year, I picked five influential, time tested authors of whose material I will ingest this next year. Curious?  Comment and I’ll let you know who made my list. J

So, 2017, whatever you may hold for us Almengors, we are choosing #adifferentway.

Where we have worn down ruts of reacting, we are resolved to forge new paths, ones that will honor God and each other.

Where familiar routines no longer serve us, we are resolved to do the hard work of beginning and reinforcing new routines that will further our growth and joy.

Where common held practices do not line up with who you have made us to be, we will not try to fit our square self into a round hold but are resolved to conjure up #adifferentway that will accomplish the same goal.

How might you choose #adifferentway for your 2017?
If you think of any ways, I would love to hear about it and cheer you on in your pursuit of #adifferentway.

He is near, a post in memory of Uncle Marlin

He is near.
My Jesus is near.

When I lost my Father to brain cancer when I was only 12 years old, I felt abandoned by God.

In my estimation of reality, He was nowhere near.

He was far, far away, handling other business, leaving me all alone, turning me over to my own resources and my own ability (or inability) to grieve and bear the weight of the emptiness left behind by my dad’s passing.

Now I know.

I know He was closer than ever in that moment I looked upon the shell of my father’s body and said my last earthly goodbye.  He was close, so very near to me then and near to me now.

Yesterday, I woke to a text message to pray for my uncle who was undergoing emergency surgery. This uncle--from whom I always felt love and respect--needed prayer, needed God to be near.

Less than six hours later, I received the shocking, unexpected news that he had passed away.

And, in that moment, while I stirred the taco meat on my stove-top and nearly stumbled to the floor after reading the text, GOD was NEAR.

He was near and is near. And I know this now without a doubt. I know because, though my feelings have oft belied the truth, God’s Word, the Truth, tells me He is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

And not only is He near now, but He was near then when my uncle passed from this earth into eternity.  

I have spent many of my earthly days in lament.

Perhaps, the mixture of my melancholy personality and having experienced a significant loss at an early age inclines me toward a sorrowful disposition. I feel comfortable among the brokenhearted, burned, busted up and barren. These are my people. This is my tribe.

These are also Jesus’s people, His tribe. He was a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.

Oh, how I breathe more deeply and settle down into my seat when I read these words.

I am not alone. I am known, and Jesus is not afraid of my sorrow. He is not put off and does not try to put a positive spin on it all. He just settles in beside me, wraps His arms around me and says, “This is not how I wanted it all to be for you, for my creation. And, this is not all there is. Take heart. I have overcome. There is more for you than saying goodbye again and again and again.”

And He sends my fellow sojourners to incarnate His love and comfort to me through promised prayers, a phone call, an offer for me to come and talk it all out on a friend’s couch.

Many of those fellow travelers are on the last leg of their journey here on earth, ones that, too, have spent a number of their earthly days lamenting. How meaningful is their comfort, how weighty are their words of hope to me.

They have lived long. They have said many goodbyes. They are not afraid of sorrow.

Today, I am afflicted but not crushed; perplexed but not despairing; struck down but not destroyed.

Death is all around, but life is mine.

I do not lose heart for though my outer self is wasting away, my inner self is being renewed day by day.
My uncle has never been more alive. He is dead to this world, but alive unto Jesus, seeing Him face to face, standing with the One who willingly became a man of sorrows to rescue us from all of our earthly ones.

The grief is painful and heavy but momentary and preparing me for an eternal rest and rejoicing at the feet of my Jesus, who is very near.  

My 39th

"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to." And cry I did. A thousand tears today, my birthday. 39th to be exact.
It wasn't because I'm 39, and I don't think I'm having a mid-life crisis, but maybe.
I don't really know entirely why I started crying today and couldn't seem to stop.
I have these days every once in a while. You know, the days where all you need is a good cry?

I had the sweetest friend text me last night asking what I was doing for my birthday today. When my reply was, "Nothing out of the ordinary," she made plans for me.
Lunch at Italian Sensation, 12:45.
She brought flowers.
She started to sing "Happy Birthday" loudly in the parking lot as I exited my car, and then she saw my swollen, red eyes and stopped.
"What's wrong?"

Nothing and everything is wrong on these days.

I am sucker punched by the overwhelming feeling that I have wasted my life, that I have made a very bad decision to keep my children home for school as many years as I have, that I am an annoying friend who has to find new friends every several years because the old friends grow very tired of my neediness, that I have a hard marriage that will always be hard, and that I missed my window of making a difference in this world back in my 20's, and it's all irreversible.

Oh regret and self-loathing, how I hate thee.

As for reaching out with these revelations about myself on my birthday, well that wasn't going to happen because who wants to drum up a pity party for her birthday?

 I did not want pity.
I just wanted to feel like my life has purpose.
And when so much of one's life is taken up in roles that leave her feeling like a big, fat failure, it is very hard to remember her value is not in the roles she plays but in the fact that she was given roles to play at all.

I have said it before so many times, you're probably sick of hearing it.

Parenting is hard. It is freaking hard. It is like the hardest thing I've ever tried to do manage emotionally.

I want the best for my kids.

I don't want to tie my identity up in their behavior. When they have a meltdown, are socially inappropriate, disrespectful, unkind, selfish and even hateful, I do not need to interpret that as a reflection on who I am, what kind of parent I am, whether or not I've been successful or even decent as a parent. But I do. 

I don't want them to walk on egg shells when I'm having a meltdown of my own. But they do. 

I want to protect them from so much but not shelter so much that I keep them from their potential to live a purposeful, impactful life.

I want my children to look back on their childhood and have fond memories and to be grateful. I know there will be memories of things I did or said, ways I did or said them that will not be fond, but hopefully won't be so damaging that we can't laugh at them further down the road.
But, at this juncture, I'm just not sure.

I fear I am royally messing them up.
I counter that fear with the truth that God gave these, three children THE exact mom He knew they needed.

I fear they will have to spend hundreds upon thousands of dollars in counseling.
I counter that fear by telling myself that I have spent hundreds of dollars on counseling, but I still love my mom and dad. And, it's actually not their fault.

And, here is what I conclude:
Our parents, most of them anyway, tried really hard to do the best they knew to do by us.
I am doing that for my children and even while I'm doing it, I KNOW I'm not getting it all right. I KNOW I am making mistakes, screwing up and screwing them up in the process.

I know; I put too much pressure on myself.

But, as children don't we put a lot of pressure on our parents?  We have expectations of them, and many of those expectations are linked to our needs. We need love. We need physical care and comfort. We need to be cherished and esteemed. We need promises kept, boundaries made clear and discipline consistent when we've gone outside of those boundaries.

Some parents provide all these things in stellar ways. And, some children's needs are more readily met and satisfied by their parents.

But there is a whole lot of us (and there is, because read the headlines any given day. We are all a bit of a mess.) whose needs either weren't met or were too high for any parent, no matter how good, to meet.

And here is where I turn first to God and say, "Help! YOU be to my children what I have not been or could not be."

You be ever present. And He is.
You have unconditional love. And He does.
You never grow tired or weary. And He doesn't.
You provide all that we need. And He provides.

I then turn inward and stop allowing myself to be beat up on days like today because my parenting absolutely falls short.

Last, I turn to my children and ask them to never stop counting on God because He will never let them down, unlike their momma who has days like my 39th birthday.

Sunday Night Summary, September 20, 2015

Reading: I took a break from book reading this week, and read a few blog posts covering quite a variety of topics.

First up and probably the most controversial, I read this article, and think it would be worth your while to read as well, due to my ever growing interest in understanding our nation's racial tensions. http://www.vice.com/read/white-people-told-me-why-they-feel-they-oppressed-456

Maybe it's because I married a man with "minority" status; he's Guatemalan, and a handsome one at that if I do say so myself.  Being Lawrence's wife has forced allowed me the opportunity to have challenging, awkward and sometimes gut wrenching conversations about prejudice, racism, and white privilege. He has been so patient with me as I have said stupid things, mostly out of ignorance vs. hate, drawn false conclusions and just plain out not been able, or maybe willing?, to see the truth.

I appreciate this quote from the above linked article: "Erikka Knuti, a political strategist, said, 'Part of white privilege has been the ability to not know that your privilege exists. If you benefit from racism, do you really want to know that?'"

My big take away from the article is to talk more candidly and often about race, mostly with my children in the safety of our home. But I also want to bravely, yet sensitively, engage in more conversations outside my home as well, with friends around a bonfire, with my family around Thanksgiving dinner (this is your forewarning, by the way.) and with my church and homeschool communities. 

The next article was from a blogger/speaker I recently began to follow, Wendy Speake, and I found it to be personally encouraging given the many constraints on my time in this season of my life. I just don't have the time I want to have to write consistently, privately or publicly.  I loved the concluding quote from Mindy Rogers,

I’m a collector of journals.

I keep them stashed in the console of my car,

tucked into the folds of my purse,

laid on the shelf in my entryway 

stacked by the jewelry box on my dresser,

and sometimes pushed deep into the back pocket of my worn out jeans.

My husband makes jokes but the truth is that they are everywhere.

Every day I spill my heart out in ink on the paper of these journals.”

(Mindy Rogers, 2014)

Because the refugee crisis continues to weigh heavily on my heart and is only growing worse instead of better, I want to provide a link to information on how one can practically help, particularly in the Baltimore area. One size does not fit all of us, but I do believe we can all help in some way. Check it out. 

Here is the article I was in the process of reading when I was pulled over, ironcially enough, for reading on my phone at a stop light among two other offenses---tag light was out (I did not even know what a tag light was let alone that it was out) and not presenting registration at the time of the stop (I was so flustered that I absolutely could not find my registration. And, I still haven't found it. Ugh!

By the way, you cannot be on your "hand held device" while operating a motorized vehicle, not even at a stop light, folks. Learn from me. Just keep your hands off of your phone. And, don't use those hands to wag a finger or two at me. Lesson learned, thankfully with just a warning and not by killing anyone, though I'm not sure how that could have happened while reading at a stop light. But, whatever.

As an aside, I never did finish the above article. Let me know if it's worth my time, and maybe I will get back to it when I can overcome my PTS. 

Last but not least is an article posted on the wall of a FB friend of mine, hopefully to become an "in real life" friend over the next year(s) as my family tarries at our current homeschool co op.  It pairs well with a post my cousin-in-law (is that such a thing?) and friend, Jessica Clemmer, wrote on navigating the ups and downs of social media.

Both articles provide food for thought on how we are pursuing friendship and community in the current digital age. It is something that as a parent, I think a lot about, knowing I am setting the example for my children. As much as I want to get this right, I know I am not doing it perfectly. Nevertheless, I want to strive to try to figure out how to best use social media, avoid its pitfalls and then help my own children as they will inevitably have to figure it out for themselves as well. 

Eating: I'm wondering how many recipes you have pinned to Pinterest that you have never tried. If you're anything like me, it's quite a few. Here is one I have had pinned for years and finally got around to trying it this week, thanks to my neighbor-friend, Amy, who came over, sat around my fire, dunked roasted marshmallows in Bailey's and chatted it up on a Wednesday night. The Bailey's soaked, roasted marshmallow was a treat, but the time to get to know a friend was even better. 

Lawrence and I had the rare pleasure of a night out to ourselves. We checked out a local place that several friends have recommended and were not disappointed. If you are local to us and are looking for good food disguised as a dive of a place, check out The Lodge. 

I ate the "Treehugger," so fitting for me. It was a wrap filled with mushrooms, caramelized onions, roasted red peppers, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato and creamy horseradish sauce. I subbed veggie skewers for the fries, and they were equally as delicious. Lawrence and I shared the rockfish bites appetizer which apparently they are known for. Given I obnoxiously peeled as much as the fried breading off as I could, I found the remaining fish to be so-so. But, I'd say that has more to do with how I ate it than how the restaurant prepared it. 

Doing: We trekked up to Lancaster to take a tour of the Lancaster County Solid Waste Management Facility as a part of the boys' preparation for their involvement with First Lego League this year. This year the challenge focus is trash. I found the facility tour to be fascinating, enlightening and educational. Bella just thought it was stinky and wasn't too keen on the gear we had to wear to walk the facility.

Our fabulous library celebrated Constitution Day, September 17th, and hosted a presentation of Betsy Ross by "Betsy Ross." Since we are studying American History this year, we made the time to go. I have long said that we have the best library system ever, and once again, they exceeded my expectations with this program. My kids were unsure for a few seconds if the impersonator was the real Betsy Ross, and then they did the math. 

 During the presentation, Betsy explained many things about how our American flag came to look like it does. In that explanation, Bella was crowned Queen Elizabeth of England.

 And, Judah was crowned King James of England.

I am a very proud mother. I only need a country for Tucker to rule, and then I believe my work as homeschool educator is complete. ;)

The kids had lots of play time with friends this weekend with four girls spending the night here on Friday night and a bonfire and s'mores on Saturday night. Lawrence's parents ate lunch with us today and then Abuela (Lawrence's mom) stayed with the kids for a couple hours so that Lawrence, his dad and I could help his brother and wife prepare their new home for their move this upcoming week. We are very excited about all that God has brought into their lives in the last several years. It is a joy to be a part of it all. 

Looking Ahead: It's a busy week, and I must say the novelty of a new school year has worn off already. Man, I didn't even make it to October. I think our weekend was so full and a bit taxing for me personally that I am really not looking forward to doing it all over again this week.
We also have a concluding summer activity overlapping with a fall activity beginning, making it a packed-more-than-usual kind of week.
But, I am scheduled to have my hair cut and colored, so all will be right with the world by Tuesday night.  ;)

Sunday Night Summary, September 06, 2015

Reading: Much of what I read this week had to do with the refugee crisis. I am slain by the overwhelming need and fighting my cynicism to believe God's people in particular will not turn away in apathy or complacency but will do one.small.thing, as Ann Voskamp so eloquently encourages in this, her one of several posts on the call to the Church to be the hands and feet and mouthpiece of Christ. 

Please take some time to read some of the links she provides, to NOT TURN AWAY but to absorb and feel and then ACT. Though not in the same way as these refugees, I have nevertheless been a person in need. I have been a person who has grieved loss again and again. Life's circumstances could have broken me and made me bitter, but by God's mercy, they have not. They have shaped me, though, forging empathy into the fiber of my being. But, I am only one person. I have limited resources, but God has given me a heart that feels things so very deeply and a voice that I am not afraid to use to solicit others to action. 

Honestly, in light of what I have learned this week about refugees, I found it difficult to give emotional focus to anything else I read. Though, I finished "For the Love" by Jen Hatmaker and will say it was the most enjoyable and resonating book I have read in a long time.

She is beginning a book club of sorts for her book, and I am hoping to not only participate but include a few of my fellow "For the Love" local friends. I would much rather discuss the ins and outs of living out our faith sitting face to face with you, a glass of wine and piece of chocolate in hand, than online staring at a computer screen. Anyone in?  I'll provide the wine and chocolate. :)

Eating: This week it was a lot of smoothies and pureed food for me. I had my first tooth extracted. First, yes, of hopefully only two teeth that will ever be pulled from my mouth. The extraction itself wasn't so awful, but the recovery has been more painful and lengthy than I anticipated. By day 3, I fully expected to be back to normal. Instead, on day 4 I am still drinking smoothies, slurping soup, popping ibuprofen every 4 hours and icing the side of my face.

The upside to this is that I was able to pre-maturely prepare one of my fall favorites, Butternut Squash Soup. Of the plethora of recipes available, this is my current favorite.  Don't let the "vegan, paleo, gluten free" labels scare you. It's absolutely scrumptious.

I don't know about you, but I am eagerly anticipating the cooler temperatures of fall for the simple joy of making soup again. I am rather fond of soup despite my family's mere tolerance of it. I suppose it is too close to a casserole concept for my family's liking. I am one of those odd ducks that just loves casseroles, soups and salads.  Everything is in or on one pot, plate or bowl. Minimalist to the core. What's not to love?

For whatever reason (and that reason NOT being that I am pregnant) I was craving an Italian Wedding Soup and so took a stab at making it for the first time this week.  While the appearance of it was rather odd due to a technical error incorporating the eggs, the taste was outstanding. Even my hubby liked it enough to eat leftovers!
What soups are among your fall favorites?  Leave a link in the comments.

Doing: Well, this wasn't one of my favorite weeks ever. But, hey, "Momma said there'd be days like this." And, I've had weeks like this past one before. I know they are inevitable. And, I know we get through them.  That's what we did. We got through this week as best as we could. 

As I mentioned, I had my first tooth extraction. It went better than I anticipated. The surgeon and his assistant are wonderful--patient, thorough, sympathetic and skilled.  I was grateful to find an oral surgeon with whom I was comfortable.

Two days after my extraction, Judah had a laser treatment. For whatever reason, he experienced more pain with this treatment than he ever has before. He screamed all throughout the treatment and cried for about an hour afterward. He was in so much distress after his treatment that he felt he was going to pass out at one point. 

The doctor brought an ice pack for his face, and Judah sat with his face directly in the air conditioning fans of my hubby's car the entire ride home, moaning and asking God why He was torturing him. 

It was not one of the more fun "mom moments" but one in which I was very grateful Judah has a mom and a dad to be with him in these dark hours, to hold his hand, remind him to breathe, assure him the pain won't last forever. And, it didn't. 

By the time we were within 15 minutes of home and passing a local ice cream shop, Judah was feeling better enough to accept our offer for ice cream. Chocolate and Cookies-N-Cream with rainbow sprinkles and gummy worms for the win!

"Medical" and "Mechanical" are two budget categories that are absolutely bleeding us currently. Since the end of May, we have had near non-stop medical needs along with issues with our vehicles. 

This past week, our Pilot was at the mechanic again. Lo and behold as Lawrence pulled out of the mechanic's parking lot after having a sensor replaced, a part that we had fixed just a month ago broke AGAIN! No kidding. He literally turned out of the parking lot only to turn right back in and leave the Pilot with the mechanic for another day. 

Thankfully, the mechanic did not charge us for this second fix, but we are researching Honda recalls to find out if this is something the manufacturer can be held responsible for.  We have had the same mechanic for years and trust his reliability and skill. We will be taking it to the Honda dealer this upcoming week for a recall on another part that has been needing fixed for a while. 

I am grateful it will be covered financially and that I have friends who live relatively near enough to provide shuttle service or run errands for us as needed. Community is a beautiful thing. And, while we often try to arrange our lives so as to not need anything from anyone else, I have found God force me into this place of need time and time again to remind me that He comes near to those who humble themselves, ask for help and are willing to receive it. 

For some of us, the self sufficient, pick-yourselves-up-by-the-bootstraps, American ideal of "I can do it by myself" is the very thing that keeps us from enjoying the rich benefits of intimate relationships within community. Being a giver as well as a receiver is necessary for robust and well rounded relationships. 

Looking ahead: It is looking like a quieter week of plodding away at school and needs at home, of rest and healing and gearing up for the fullness of a fall schedule, which for us here at Montford includes A LOT of leaf blowing!

The kids and I have the first day of our new homeschool co op, Crossroads, on Friday. I am looking forward to jumping in headlong to this new community of fellow home educators and learners. 

Sunday Night Summary, August 9, 2015

Reading: I'm nearing the end of "Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe," and am convinced I would be well served to read other books written by the co-authors of this one--the newly released book, "Longing for Paris" by Sarah Mae along with Sally Clarkson's "Own Your Life."

My biggest take away from "Desperate" has been to see the details of my life as unique and moreso, the "formula" needed to thrive as a wife and mother as unique as well. I have a tendency to look at the lives of others who I esteem or judge as thriving in their roles of wife and mother and try to imitate aspects of what I see them doing, thinking that doing so will make me thrive.  Only, it doesn't work, and then I become frustrated, defeated, confused and can even despair.  

What this book is helping me to see and embrace, with the help of the Holy Spirit, is that who I am, who my husband is, who each of my children are all add up to a unique situation here with a unique mixture of temperaments and needs, preferences, desires, goals and ways of achieving those goals.

It requires me to slow down long enough to observe MY family, to listen and pray, to try things that may seem counter intuitive, to release my expectations on how to parent and what the outcomes may be of such parenting, and to adjust routines, priorities, and expectations in order to achieve the right mix of activity, rest, productivity and consumption our family needs to thrive to the best of its ability. 

Specifically, I am seeing increasingly how little I can actually give of my time, attention and resources to things and people outside my little family. When I say "little," I have to clarify that my idea of "little" is probably someone else's "a lot."  By nature, I am an ambitious person who all too often wants to be the answer to all the problems, meet all the needs of all the people everywhere, world round. I want to participate in all the ministries and start some new ones. I want to read all the books, watch all the documentaries, sign all the petitions, march in all the crusades...You get the idea. I kind of can't do that and serve my family well.
I know. I shouldn't have to read a book and be 11 years into this mothering thing before I figured that out. 

Nevertheless, there has been some grieving involved in this for me, but as I am cutting things out and saying no to opportunities, I am experiencing greater peace in my own heart, mind and soul which translates to a more peaceful home in general.  This is good. 

Eating: The kids were at something called "Action Camp" which is similar to VBS, only it's in the evening, and they are served dinner. Win for me on dinner prep. this week! 

I made a 7 layer salad at the start of the week and ate that pretty much all week long. Lawrence and I were able to catch dinner out, sans kids, Monday evening with a gift card to Friday's. Yay for gift cards. But, I gotta say; I'm sick of Friday's.

We typically have family pizza/movie night on Friday night each week. This week, it happened on Saturday, however, as Action Camp had their own family night to end the week.  

I have made a pizza twice now that LA and I have so enjoyed, he told me I should name it after he found out I made it up. So, here it is if you care to try it yourself.

Pizza Crust (I love the Earth's Pride brand I can buy at BJ's)
Jalapeno and Cilantro Monterey Jack Cheese (not something that is easy to find, but well worth it if you can find it!)
Cream Cheese or Greek Yogurt (your pick; both work well)
red onion
colored peppers
zucchini (optional)
mushrooms (optional)
bacon
mozzarella cheese, shredded

I like to pre-bake the crust at 475 for a few minutes to allow it to get a bit crusty, not crisp, just crusty. 

I mix the jalapeno/cilantro cheese with cream cheese or greek yogurt, equal parts, to make like a cheese 'paste.'  This will be the "sauce" for your pizza. 

You can pan fry or oven bake your bacon, whichever method you prefer. I used both regular bacon and turkey bacon for this, and both tasted great. So, do what is right for you.

I sauteed the red onion, peppers, zukes and shrooms, adding them to the saute pan in that order. The onions need a little more time to saute to the point of caramelizing. I also prefer my zukes and shrooms to not get too mushy. So, I throw them in later in the sauteing process.

To assemble pizza, spread the cheese 'paste' onto the crust. Pile on the sauteed veggies. Break up bacon pieces on top of veggies. Finally, sprinkle mozzarella cheese on top to bind all that veggie/bacon goodness together. Yum!

Doing: 
It felt like a slower paced week for us.
The kids attended Action Camp in the evenings, though Tucker had to miss two days for running random, low grade fevers for a day and a half. They were so out of the blue with no other symptoms, but I have my own theory about this.

We were two days without the Pilot again this week which meant hitching a ride to musical practice on Monday and otherwise being home bound for Monday and Tuesday.  

Plans I had for the boys to participate in a Minecraft Mania event at one of our local libraries on Tuesday were cancelled, and a swimming get together scheduled for Wednesday was also cancelled for a variety of reasons. 

Tucker's fever prevented us from getting together with friends who wanted to drop in on Thursday and also a scheduled creek play day at our house with friends on Friday. 

A lot of cancelled plans for the boys' "Week of Birthday," which is typically hugely disappointing for all of us, but I wonder if my kids, along with me,  have been needing some down time, some space, quiet, rest, even boredom to get a grip on our relating with each other and seeing how much having no plans can afford us within our home and with each other. 

The boys and I pulled out a game they received for Christmas and finally learned how to play, Settlers of Catan. We set the board up on Monday and played a little each day.
I played cards with Bella several times. 

I was on top of my laundry, even managing to fold it and put it away all week long!  I spoke with my sister, sister-in-law and mom on the phone, something I just do not make time to do typically. I read. We swam. I napped. 

I even managed to log close to 14 miles this week in my running shoes. My goal has been 13. 

Surprisingly, I enjoyed the semi-secluded life this week, aspects of it anyway. With the increased focus and peace, however, came some unsettling temptations for me personally. 

Having to cancel plans or just not have many in place this week, I realized that I often initiate with others for the fear that I will be forgotten otherwise.
Hard to admit that, but it's true.

God has definitely been putting His finger on that in my life lately--this fear of being forgotten or left out. I know I am not alone. FOMO is a "thing" I didn't create but apparently "suffer" from. 

Thursday night, I attended a parenting course, called "Trust Based Parenting," LA and I are going through with some friends of ours. The sessions we watched and discussed this week were immediately applied and benefited from in our home and parenting.  

Though not always easy to implement, they are simple changes really.  Get down on eye level with your child. Give eye contact and request eye contact from your child. Use a soft tone of voice and gentle touches.  It may not sound all that profound, but the affects have been profound!

Too often, I am barking orders from another room in the house. I am breaking up fights happening in the basement while I continue to cook in the kitchen. I am "listening" to my son tell me all about his Lego creation while I scroll my Instagram feed. This can work for some kids and even my kids some of the time. But, what I am communicating to my children through my body language is that they are not enough of a priority in that moment to go to them, to give them eye contact and my full attention and patience.

Today, I tried another way, this method of parenting, with one of my children who absolutely lost control of herself in the car ride home from church. She (I guess you can tell who I'm talking about, huh, using "she"?) screamed at the top of her lungs over and over and banged on the window because she missed seeing a roadside attraction we occasionally drive by on our way to and from church.
Totally inappropriate behavior for a 8.5 year old. Absolutely disproportionate response for the circumstance.

Typically, I may have yelled, or tried to yell over top of my daughter to tell her to NOT SCREAM at something like that. Or, I would let her know that she would be receiving some form of discipline at home for the way she just over reacted.

Today, I remained quiet and calm. I asked LA to pull the car over. When he did, I calmly unbuckled my seat belt, turned around in my seat to look directly at my daughter. She covered her mouth as though I was about to flick her for screaming, another thing I have sadly done in the past. In a calm tone of voice, I simply told her that I understood it was disappointing to not have seen "the lady" but that her screaming was not appropriate, and she was not demonstrating the self control she should for that circumstance.
That's it.

She acknowledged and affirmed what I said.
I asked her to apologize to everyone in the car for screaming and ask for forgiveness for not having self control.
She did. And, that was that. Done.
No screaming match, no escalating behaviors from any of us. No further correction or punishment needed. 

If I allow pride to reign in my heart, I can be embarrassed to admit that I am applying these kinds of good parenting procedures as a result of watching this course's videos when in reality so much of what I am doing is just obeying what God has told us to do all along...Love is PATIENT, KIND, GENTLE, NOT RUDE OR SELFISH. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. 
Yeah, apparently that makes for good parenting, too.

Friday night, we all enjoyed the end of Action Camp Family Night at Christ Fellowship Church. Free Chic Fil-A dinner, Kona Ices, inflatable bouncy and water Slides, face painting and tug of war. 

Saturday is typically a work day for us here at Montford. We mowed, weeded, had some intensive bathroom cleaning training and prepared our home to host LA's family today for our monthly Sunday Family lunch.  We ended our work day with a dip at our friends' pool who so generously allow us use of their glorious pool and property. It is a little taste of Heaven at MistyGlen Farm, and we are always so blessed to spend some time there. Lucky for us, they are just five minutes' drive from our house.

Today, we celebrated the boys' 11th birthday with LA's family. I can really, hardly believe they are 11. I am loving, though, watching them grow independent, more responsible and articulate.  We enjoyed one of their favorites, macaroni and cheese, along with meatball sandwiches, sauteed green beans, and black bean taco dip. For dessert, Judah had a chocolate ice cream cake, and Tucker savored one of his favorites, lemon meringue pie. 

Looking ahead: 
We will be working on Bella taking her new medication. It's a capsule, and she wasn't having it. We tried tonight very unsuccessfully. We are taking a step back and practicing with smaller pieces of candy. Hopefully, she'll be taking her new medicine like a champ this time next week.
Also on the health front, Judah will have a follow up with his eye surgeon.
I am looking forward to running a 5K at a local vineyard next Sunday night, Boordy Vineyard. Running and wine--two of my favorites together. Awesome!