Go Slow, Let it Go, Anticipate

I love mantras, intentions, a focus. Each month, I spend some time going through the prompts provided by my Cultivate Planner and chose a word or a phrase that will serve to guide me intentionally through the month.
I ask God to set words apart for me that will provide a visual reminder of how He wants me to cooperate with His Spirit and His work in my life for that month. 

Obviously, I cannot know what the month ahead will hold, but I can look at my calendar, think about the season of life I am in and decide how to make the most of it all. 

For this December, I chose the phrase, "Go slow, Let it go, Anticipate."

Christmas can be such a time of frenzy. It can come and go so fast that by January 1st, we wonder what just happened. It can also be heavy with expectations that are hard to meet, demands we place on ourselves and others. 

I've spent too many years getting to December 25 and feeling like I wasted a month. I have stood at Christmas Eve service with my candle lit, unable to truly enter in the solemn anticipation of what we are about to receive in recognizing the coming of Christ because I cannot stop obsessively going through the mental checklist of all I wanted to do, had to do, forgot to do, and still need to do. 

So, for several years now, I have sought to approach December differently than I have in the past, intentionally, purposefully.  I want to come to January 1st knowing that I was not whisked through the whirlwind of shopping, decorating, baking, and all the other typical trappings of Christmas and missed the wonder of it all. 

Go slow
I am task oriented by nature and love efficiency, probably to an idolatrous level. Just this morning, I found myself stirring my emergen-c drink while trying to fill my K-cup with coffee grounds at the same time. I mean, I do have two hands.  Might as well make both of them work at the same time?! Ah...this is my default setting. 

And, then I remembered how I actually want to go through my days: walking not sprinting. I want to go slow.
For me, it means

• doing ONE thing at a time
• walking through my house at a reasonable pace (I am known to move rather quickly from task to task)
• not allowing my brain to shift into its default setting of frenetically thinking through all that needs to be done but rather purposing to be fully present with what is right in front of me.

But, guess what happens when I slow down, am fully present and not rushing through my days?  I don't get to everything I want to get to. 

Laundry piles up. 

Floors remain crumby. 

Leaves continue to blanket my yard. 

I miss a lot of deals on stuff we might want to buy for ourselves or others. 

There is not a ubiquitous supply of cookies and fudge in my house throughout December and so on and so on. 

Hence, the second part of my guiding mantra for December, "Let it go."

Let go of my endless expectations to make it all perfect.
Let go of the expectations others may have of me to show up, give the best gift, give a gift at all.
Let go of the expectations the culture around me that tells me there is a specific and comprehensive way to "do Christmas right."  It just ain't so. 

Let go of the fear of letting my kids down.  (Maybe the hardest one for me. Am I right, mommas?)

As I go slow and let it go, it makes room for me to anticipate, and this, for me is what December is really all about. Or, at least for me, this is what I want the month of December to be all about. 

A few ways I anticipate the coming of Christ.

• Choose an advent book or plan to go through by myself and one I go through with my family. This year, I am using a book I found at a used bookstore, a total gamble of a purchase and a departure in style and content from many of the advent books I have used in the past, but one I am excited about nonetheless. It's called, "Simply Wait: Cultivating Stillness in the Season of Advent" by Pamela C. Hawkins.
  
  For my family, I am using a free online study I received in my inbox from Study Gateway. It is a "Case for Christmas" written by Lee Strobel.  This was a timely study for our family this year, so we are jumping in each week watching the videos and spending just a brief time in discussion.
  

A plethora of advent material exists. Do just a quick search on Amazon, and you will find a host of products, books and materials to choose from.

A few of my favorite over the years are:
Ann Voskamp's, "The Greatest Gift."  She has a book for adults and separate ones for you to use with your children. 

Russ Ramsey's "Behold the Lamb of God: An Advent Narrative."

Sally Lloyd Jones's "Jesus Storybook Bible" and advent plan.

When my children were preschoolers, I simply looked up "Free printable advent coloring pages," found something I loved and printed them.  I had the kids color them, and we hung them on a long piece of twine in our basement as a fun visual for them to add up the days to Christ's coming.

• Light it up!  My husband and I are big fans of light: natural light, candlelight, LED light, etc. Christmas is the perfect time of year to confront the ever-darkening days of winter with lights of every kind. We light our Christmas tree, wrap stringed lights around our floor lamp poles, weave lights through our pine garland, and set candles wherever there may be any shadows.
  
  Each morning, I amble down the dark hallway with the glee of knowing I get to turn on all the lights. I used to wait until the evening came, but I am finding this year, I want to enjoy the lights all day long.
  
  I try to pass on the spirit of anticipation and glee by giving special permission to my youngest to light the candles.  Kids love playing with fire, and this builds an atmosphere that something special is happening.

Over the years, there have been other ways I have built anticipation into our daily December rhythms such as putting an empty manger (think shoe box with straw inside) under the Christmas tree. On Christmas morning, "baby Jesus" shows up in the manger (think whatever baby doll I can find lying around the house, usually one that had no clothing on it...which, come to think of it, is probably rather accurate.)  

I have a nativity set with a manger and baby Jesus that is separate. So, I hide that baby Jesus as well; He comes out on Christmas morning to take His place of 'honor.'  

I have visual "cues" around the house to foster a spirit of anticipation such as scrabble pieces that spell out "We Wait" on my kitchen window sill above where I wash dishes daily, the word, "Adore" decoratively hanging from a birch peg log my parents gifted me years ago, nativity sets from all around the world providing the bulk of our Christmas decor in the main living areas of our home, and framed Christmas cards that speak of the Christ to come. 

These are just a few ways I have sought to cultivate a spirit of anticipation in my home. I know many of you could come up with many more and creative ways to do similar. And, I would love to hear about them in the comments. 

If you love the hustle and bustle, and the frenetic pace most people get caught up in this time of year gives you a buzz, then go for it. It's your jam and your way of making the most of this season.  For me, however, I will choose to go slow, let it go and anticipate. 

Bitter or Better, Our Choice

I rounded the corner at the end of the hallway and realized I knew where I was. This was a familiar place. When it dawned on me, I looked to my boys, now 13, and with a smile, pointed to these two chairs and said, “Boys, I nursed you in those chairs and on the floor of one of the exam rooms in the back. Initially, I recounted this to them as a fond memory, filling them in on a time they were very much a part of but would have no remembrance because they were just babies, days old as a matter of fact. 

But then, as I took a seat to wait once again for an ultrasound to be taken of my oldest’s (by two minutes) eyes, the tears welled up in my own eyes. Surprised by this rush of emotion, I tried to quell the sobs that were building, to no avail. There in the pediatric division of Wilmer Institute at Johns Hopkins, I sat and sobbed. My sons inquired; a nurse walked by observing and offered us dum dums, the quintessential, “This will make everything better” offering to all children in every hospital or medical clinic worldwide, I am convinced. The external stimuli jolted me out of that traumatic place the sight of those two chairs took me, and I was able to compose myself enough to decline the sweet nurse’s offer of comfort in lollipop form. 

• 
  

It’s been 13 years walking a road I never could have anticipated traveling. When we were first told about our son’s diagnosis of Sturge Weber Syndrome and all the potential havoc it could wreak on his, and subsequently our lives, we were shell shocked. Entering Hopkins’ clinics just days after my twins were born introduced us to a world of specialists, medical jargon, tests, procedures and surgeries we would not know anything about should God have spared us from this lot. But 13 years later, I can see how much we have all grown through what God chose for us. I can see we have learned so much; we have grown in empathy and informed compassion for a whole segment of this world that we may have otherwise overlooked or even ignored. I can see our endurance for life’s challenges, curve balls, unexpecteds and unknowns has been strengthened. 

• 
  

 I want to take this opportunity to encourage anyone who’s been thrust upon a life path you never would have chosen and can’t get off of. Or maybe you did run after & welcome a certain life trajectory, but it’s all new and proving to be harder than you thought it would be, with costs you aren’t sure you’re prepared to pay. Time really is an important player that you will either thank or regret depending on what you cultivate with that time. 

It may be cliche, but the truth nevertheless remains. Circumstances can make you bitter or better, and it’s time that will deepen what you chose to cultivate. Let me be a voice in your life today urging you to fight to be shaped for the better by whatever it is that is pressing down hard on you right now. Be vigilant about uprooting those bitter seeds that want to grow deep in your soul. They often sound like, “This isn’t fair. I deserve better than this. I hate my life. Why do things go well for everyone else but me? What have I done to deserve this? How will anything good come from this?” 

I’m not saying that there won’t be struggle or that I never thought these things or still don’t sometimes think these things. But, let’s together remember we have a choice in what we’re going to do when these thoughts come. We can choose to nurture these embittering thoughts or reject them and replace them with God’s truth. He has promised to work all things together for the good of those who love Him. He has promised to fulfill His purposes for our lives, and as those who love Jesus and have given our lives to Him, we can trust His purpose is to prosper us and not to harm us. It might look oh so different than we could ever have imagined, but He is wise. He is good. And He will sustain us even through the darkest of times. 

• 
  

We received another diagnosis yesterday for my son, one that likely has been there since he was born. And despite the numerous eye specialists who have spent hours, that could likely amount to days if added up, looking into the depths of my son’s eyes, this anomaly was not discovered until yesterday. It’s likely the cause of his extremely poor vision in his one eye, at least according to the doctor we saw yesterday. Honestly, who really knows? 

I could be tempted to anger over this, but for 13 years, I have sought to cultivate a firm belief that God is my son’s Creator, Sustainer and his ultimate Physician. And He reveals what He wants and keeps hidden what He wants hidden even to the “Best of the Best.” And because I’ve cultivated that truth over a long period of time, I do not have to get angry about this potentially missed diagnosis. I do not have to wonder if we could have preserved better vision in that eye had this been discovered earlier in his journey. I can fully trust that we have sought God throughout my son’s whole life for help with his needs. We have followed through on what God led us to do, the doctors to whom He led us. And we can have confidence that though we undoubtedly have not walked this out perfectly, we have a God who is perfect in all His ways even when His ways seem to run counter to our finite wisdom. For 13 years, I have imperfectly but genuinely cultivated trust in God, and I’m not going to stop trusting Him now. 

Today, I’m beckoning you to do the same.

Why #adifferentway is going to be the Almengor way through 2017

We Almengors are a family of mantras. It is mostly my husband’s doing, but I am agreeable to it because I love having a focus or goal, and I love words yet am less concise with them than my husband. Verbosity is my game which does not work so well when trying to convey the heart of a matter quickly. 

When in the midst of our everyday, sometimes frantic life, communicating the goal quickly is necessary, skipping the lecture, preferred. So, for 2017, Lawrence and I have chosen a mantra of #adifferentway because we are now living in the era of the hashtag, and we have fully embraced it at our house. I unashamedly love the hashtag movement.

A different way. What does that mean for us? Let me try to flesh that out here.

Lawrence and I read a book last year that influenced the two of us greatly called, “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” by Peter Scazarro. We were impressed with how much of an impact our families of origin, culture and the experiences of our childhood have had upon our marriage, parenting, friendships, and relationships within our extended family.  And, we realized there are now patterns of behaving, speaking, and reacting to situations that just are not in keeping with what we see exemplified in the Bible by Christ and other followers of Jesus.

We are passing these sins and habits onto our children. They are now 12, 12 and 9 and giving full expression to some of the sinful ways of their parents. Oh, how difficult that is to see sometimes.

In some of these behaviors, we are simply stuck after years of wearing down a nice, deep rut. We know love is patient and kind, but the tone of our voices still sounds so sharp and even cruel at times.  We know we want to embrace a godly sorrow when faced with our sin, repent and ask for forgiveness from God and from each other, but goodness, that stubborn pride of ours just doesn’t want to hear it in the moment especially. 

So, we came up with a prompt of sorts: #adifferentway.  We learned that in the heat of a “moment,” it’s harder to hear, “You are wrong and need to repent,” and easier to hear, “There is a different way through this. You can choose a different way.”

When we say #adifferentway, we mean that

• ·        You are not enslaved to this all too familiar way of responding
• ·        You are not defined by this pattern of speech or way of behaving
• ·        You are able to choose in this moment the godly way through
• ·        You are able to ask for wisdom and grace and receive it right in this moment
• ·        You are able to change

Like a flick of a rubber band around one’s wrist, #adifferentway will become for us a jolt out of some ruts we have laid over the years. Or at least we hope so.

#Adifferentway also makes room for us to keep exploring and trying on new ideas and routines. Where we, for years, have enjoyed family night on Fridays with pizza and a movie, we are going to try using some of those Friday nights to play games together.  Watching a movie every Friday night was good for us as a family for many years. It was easy for us as parents who, by the end of the week, were bone tired from raising and home educating young children.  And, it also built within our family a cache of common stories to refer back to, inside jokes, and one-liners. And we will continue to watch good movies for this purpose.

But, our children are entering a new season of growth and development, and it seems a good time to step up our game in pursuing them relationally. We *think* we are ready to take on the potential mire of playing games together for the new level of growth that might afford us as a family and as human beings.

Another area we are exploring #adifferentway is in how we educate our children. We are currently in our 7^th year of homeschooling, and aside from one year for the boys in Kindergarten at a private school, my children have never known anything but home education.  We may continue down this road, but we are going to at least explore what it might look like to educate #adifferentway.  I am working on a few shadow days for my kids to experience at a handful of local schools.  I don’t know what will come of this, but we are stepping out and choosing to investiage #adifferentway.

On a personal note, I want to grow in communicating God’s story in my story by way of writing and public speaking. To do this, I know I need to be a voracious reader except that I am not. L  I kicked around the familiar plan of upping my reading intake but #adifferentway occurred to me, and I am choosing that instead. This different way is in keeping with the doer God created me to be versus the sit and read volumes of material person I am not. 

Instead of doubling the amount of books I read in a year, I picked five influential, time tested authors of whose material I will ingest this next year. Curious?  Comment and I’ll let you know who made my list. J

So, 2017, whatever you may hold for us Almengors, we are choosing #adifferentway.

Where we have worn down ruts of reacting, we are resolved to forge new paths, ones that will honor God and each other.

Where familiar routines no longer serve us, we are resolved to do the hard work of beginning and reinforcing new routines that will further our growth and joy.

Where common held practices do not line up with who you have made us to be, we will not try to fit our square self into a round hold but are resolved to conjure up #adifferentway that will accomplish the same goal.

How might you choose #adifferentway for your 2017?
If you think of any ways, I would love to hear about it and cheer you on in your pursuit of #adifferentway.

My 39th

"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to." And cry I did. A thousand tears today, my birthday. 39th to be exact.
It wasn't because I'm 39, and I don't think I'm having a mid-life crisis, but maybe.
I don't really know entirely why I started crying today and couldn't seem to stop.
I have these days every once in a while. You know, the days where all you need is a good cry?

I had the sweetest friend text me last night asking what I was doing for my birthday today. When my reply was, "Nothing out of the ordinary," she made plans for me.
Lunch at Italian Sensation, 12:45.
She brought flowers.
She started to sing "Happy Birthday" loudly in the parking lot as I exited my car, and then she saw my swollen, red eyes and stopped.
"What's wrong?"

Nothing and everything is wrong on these days.

I am sucker punched by the overwhelming feeling that I have wasted my life, that I have made a very bad decision to keep my children home for school as many years as I have, that I am an annoying friend who has to find new friends every several years because the old friends grow very tired of my neediness, that I have a hard marriage that will always be hard, and that I missed my window of making a difference in this world back in my 20's, and it's all irreversible.

Oh regret and self-loathing, how I hate thee.

As for reaching out with these revelations about myself on my birthday, well that wasn't going to happen because who wants to drum up a pity party for her birthday?

 I did not want pity.
I just wanted to feel like my life has purpose.
And when so much of one's life is taken up in roles that leave her feeling like a big, fat failure, it is very hard to remember her value is not in the roles she plays but in the fact that she was given roles to play at all.

I have said it before so many times, you're probably sick of hearing it.

Parenting is hard. It is freaking hard. It is like the hardest thing I've ever tried to do manage emotionally.

I want the best for my kids.

I don't want to tie my identity up in their behavior. When they have a meltdown, are socially inappropriate, disrespectful, unkind, selfish and even hateful, I do not need to interpret that as a reflection on who I am, what kind of parent I am, whether or not I've been successful or even decent as a parent. But I do. 

I don't want them to walk on egg shells when I'm having a meltdown of my own. But they do. 

I want to protect them from so much but not shelter so much that I keep them from their potential to live a purposeful, impactful life.

I want my children to look back on their childhood and have fond memories and to be grateful. I know there will be memories of things I did or said, ways I did or said them that will not be fond, but hopefully won't be so damaging that we can't laugh at them further down the road.
But, at this juncture, I'm just not sure.

I fear I am royally messing them up.
I counter that fear with the truth that God gave these, three children THE exact mom He knew they needed.

I fear they will have to spend hundreds upon thousands of dollars in counseling.
I counter that fear by telling myself that I have spent hundreds of dollars on counseling, but I still love my mom and dad. And, it's actually not their fault.

And, here is what I conclude:
Our parents, most of them anyway, tried really hard to do the best they knew to do by us.
I am doing that for my children and even while I'm doing it, I KNOW I'm not getting it all right. I KNOW I am making mistakes, screwing up and screwing them up in the process.

I know; I put too much pressure on myself.

But, as children don't we put a lot of pressure on our parents?  We have expectations of them, and many of those expectations are linked to our needs. We need love. We need physical care and comfort. We need to be cherished and esteemed. We need promises kept, boundaries made clear and discipline consistent when we've gone outside of those boundaries.

Some parents provide all these things in stellar ways. And, some children's needs are more readily met and satisfied by their parents.

But there is a whole lot of us (and there is, because read the headlines any given day. We are all a bit of a mess.) whose needs either weren't met or were too high for any parent, no matter how good, to meet.

And here is where I turn first to God and say, "Help! YOU be to my children what I have not been or could not be."

You be ever present. And He is.
You have unconditional love. And He does.
You never grow tired or weary. And He doesn't.
You provide all that we need. And He provides.

I then turn inward and stop allowing myself to be beat up on days like today because my parenting absolutely falls short.

Last, I turn to my children and ask them to never stop counting on God because He will never let them down, unlike their momma who has days like my 39th birthday.

Sunday Night Summary, September 20, 2015

Reading: I took a break from book reading this week, and read a few blog posts covering quite a variety of topics.

First up and probably the most controversial, I read this article, and think it would be worth your while to read as well, due to my ever growing interest in understanding our nation's racial tensions. http://www.vice.com/read/white-people-told-me-why-they-feel-they-oppressed-456

Maybe it's because I married a man with "minority" status; he's Guatemalan, and a handsome one at that if I do say so myself.  Being Lawrence's wife has forced allowed me the opportunity to have challenging, awkward and sometimes gut wrenching conversations about prejudice, racism, and white privilege. He has been so patient with me as I have said stupid things, mostly out of ignorance vs. hate, drawn false conclusions and just plain out not been able, or maybe willing?, to see the truth.

I appreciate this quote from the above linked article: "Erikka Knuti, a political strategist, said, 'Part of white privilege has been the ability to not know that your privilege exists. If you benefit from racism, do you really want to know that?'"

My big take away from the article is to talk more candidly and often about race, mostly with my children in the safety of our home. But I also want to bravely, yet sensitively, engage in more conversations outside my home as well, with friends around a bonfire, with my family around Thanksgiving dinner (this is your forewarning, by the way.) and with my church and homeschool communities. 

The next article was from a blogger/speaker I recently began to follow, Wendy Speake, and I found it to be personally encouraging given the many constraints on my time in this season of my life. I just don't have the time I want to have to write consistently, privately or publicly.  I loved the concluding quote from Mindy Rogers,

I’m a collector of journals.

I keep them stashed in the console of my car,

tucked into the folds of my purse,

laid on the shelf in my entryway 

stacked by the jewelry box on my dresser,

and sometimes pushed deep into the back pocket of my worn out jeans.

My husband makes jokes but the truth is that they are everywhere.

Every day I spill my heart out in ink on the paper of these journals.”

(Mindy Rogers, 2014)

Because the refugee crisis continues to weigh heavily on my heart and is only growing worse instead of better, I want to provide a link to information on how one can practically help, particularly in the Baltimore area. One size does not fit all of us, but I do believe we can all help in some way. Check it out. 

Here is the article I was in the process of reading when I was pulled over, ironcially enough, for reading on my phone at a stop light among two other offenses---tag light was out (I did not even know what a tag light was let alone that it was out) and not presenting registration at the time of the stop (I was so flustered that I absolutely could not find my registration. And, I still haven't found it. Ugh!

By the way, you cannot be on your "hand held device" while operating a motorized vehicle, not even at a stop light, folks. Learn from me. Just keep your hands off of your phone. And, don't use those hands to wag a finger or two at me. Lesson learned, thankfully with just a warning and not by killing anyone, though I'm not sure how that could have happened while reading at a stop light. But, whatever.

As an aside, I never did finish the above article. Let me know if it's worth my time, and maybe I will get back to it when I can overcome my PTS. 

Last but not least is an article posted on the wall of a FB friend of mine, hopefully to become an "in real life" friend over the next year(s) as my family tarries at our current homeschool co op.  It pairs well with a post my cousin-in-law (is that such a thing?) and friend, Jessica Clemmer, wrote on navigating the ups and downs of social media.

Both articles provide food for thought on how we are pursuing friendship and community in the current digital age. It is something that as a parent, I think a lot about, knowing I am setting the example for my children. As much as I want to get this right, I know I am not doing it perfectly. Nevertheless, I want to strive to try to figure out how to best use social media, avoid its pitfalls and then help my own children as they will inevitably have to figure it out for themselves as well. 

Eating: I'm wondering how many recipes you have pinned to Pinterest that you have never tried. If you're anything like me, it's quite a few. Here is one I have had pinned for years and finally got around to trying it this week, thanks to my neighbor-friend, Amy, who came over, sat around my fire, dunked roasted marshmallows in Bailey's and chatted it up on a Wednesday night. The Bailey's soaked, roasted marshmallow was a treat, but the time to get to know a friend was even better. 

Lawrence and I had the rare pleasure of a night out to ourselves. We checked out a local place that several friends have recommended and were not disappointed. If you are local to us and are looking for good food disguised as a dive of a place, check out The Lodge. 

I ate the "Treehugger," so fitting for me. It was a wrap filled with mushrooms, caramelized onions, roasted red peppers, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato and creamy horseradish sauce. I subbed veggie skewers for the fries, and they were equally as delicious. Lawrence and I shared the rockfish bites appetizer which apparently they are known for. Given I obnoxiously peeled as much as the fried breading off as I could, I found the remaining fish to be so-so. But, I'd say that has more to do with how I ate it than how the restaurant prepared it. 

Doing: We trekked up to Lancaster to take a tour of the Lancaster County Solid Waste Management Facility as a part of the boys' preparation for their involvement with First Lego League this year. This year the challenge focus is trash. I found the facility tour to be fascinating, enlightening and educational. Bella just thought it was stinky and wasn't too keen on the gear we had to wear to walk the facility.

Our fabulous library celebrated Constitution Day, September 17th, and hosted a presentation of Betsy Ross by "Betsy Ross." Since we are studying American History this year, we made the time to go. I have long said that we have the best library system ever, and once again, they exceeded my expectations with this program. My kids were unsure for a few seconds if the impersonator was the real Betsy Ross, and then they did the math. 

 During the presentation, Betsy explained many things about how our American flag came to look like it does. In that explanation, Bella was crowned Queen Elizabeth of England.

 And, Judah was crowned King James of England.

I am a very proud mother. I only need a country for Tucker to rule, and then I believe my work as homeschool educator is complete. ;)

The kids had lots of play time with friends this weekend with four girls spending the night here on Friday night and a bonfire and s'mores on Saturday night. Lawrence's parents ate lunch with us today and then Abuela (Lawrence's mom) stayed with the kids for a couple hours so that Lawrence, his dad and I could help his brother and wife prepare their new home for their move this upcoming week. We are very excited about all that God has brought into their lives in the last several years. It is a joy to be a part of it all. 

Looking Ahead: It's a busy week, and I must say the novelty of a new school year has worn off already. Man, I didn't even make it to October. I think our weekend was so full and a bit taxing for me personally that I am really not looking forward to doing it all over again this week.
We also have a concluding summer activity overlapping with a fall activity beginning, making it a packed-more-than-usual kind of week.
But, I am scheduled to have my hair cut and colored, so all will be right with the world by Tuesday night.  ;)

Sunday Night Summary, August 9, 2015

Reading: I'm nearing the end of "Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe," and am convinced I would be well served to read other books written by the co-authors of this one--the newly released book, "Longing for Paris" by Sarah Mae along with Sally Clarkson's "Own Your Life."

My biggest take away from "Desperate" has been to see the details of my life as unique and moreso, the "formula" needed to thrive as a wife and mother as unique as well. I have a tendency to look at the lives of others who I esteem or judge as thriving in their roles of wife and mother and try to imitate aspects of what I see them doing, thinking that doing so will make me thrive.  Only, it doesn't work, and then I become frustrated, defeated, confused and can even despair.  

What this book is helping me to see and embrace, with the help of the Holy Spirit, is that who I am, who my husband is, who each of my children are all add up to a unique situation here with a unique mixture of temperaments and needs, preferences, desires, goals and ways of achieving those goals.

It requires me to slow down long enough to observe MY family, to listen and pray, to try things that may seem counter intuitive, to release my expectations on how to parent and what the outcomes may be of such parenting, and to adjust routines, priorities, and expectations in order to achieve the right mix of activity, rest, productivity and consumption our family needs to thrive to the best of its ability. 

Specifically, I am seeing increasingly how little I can actually give of my time, attention and resources to things and people outside my little family. When I say "little," I have to clarify that my idea of "little" is probably someone else's "a lot."  By nature, I am an ambitious person who all too often wants to be the answer to all the problems, meet all the needs of all the people everywhere, world round. I want to participate in all the ministries and start some new ones. I want to read all the books, watch all the documentaries, sign all the petitions, march in all the crusades...You get the idea. I kind of can't do that and serve my family well.
I know. I shouldn't have to read a book and be 11 years into this mothering thing before I figured that out. 

Nevertheless, there has been some grieving involved in this for me, but as I am cutting things out and saying no to opportunities, I am experiencing greater peace in my own heart, mind and soul which translates to a more peaceful home in general.  This is good. 

Eating: The kids were at something called "Action Camp" which is similar to VBS, only it's in the evening, and they are served dinner. Win for me on dinner prep. this week! 

I made a 7 layer salad at the start of the week and ate that pretty much all week long. Lawrence and I were able to catch dinner out, sans kids, Monday evening with a gift card to Friday's. Yay for gift cards. But, I gotta say; I'm sick of Friday's.

We typically have family pizza/movie night on Friday night each week. This week, it happened on Saturday, however, as Action Camp had their own family night to end the week.  

I have made a pizza twice now that LA and I have so enjoyed, he told me I should name it after he found out I made it up. So, here it is if you care to try it yourself.

Pizza Crust (I love the Earth's Pride brand I can buy at BJ's)
Jalapeno and Cilantro Monterey Jack Cheese (not something that is easy to find, but well worth it if you can find it!)
Cream Cheese or Greek Yogurt (your pick; both work well)
red onion
colored peppers
zucchini (optional)
mushrooms (optional)
bacon
mozzarella cheese, shredded

I like to pre-bake the crust at 475 for a few minutes to allow it to get a bit crusty, not crisp, just crusty. 

I mix the jalapeno/cilantro cheese with cream cheese or greek yogurt, equal parts, to make like a cheese 'paste.'  This will be the "sauce" for your pizza. 

You can pan fry or oven bake your bacon, whichever method you prefer. I used both regular bacon and turkey bacon for this, and both tasted great. So, do what is right for you.

I sauteed the red onion, peppers, zukes and shrooms, adding them to the saute pan in that order. The onions need a little more time to saute to the point of caramelizing. I also prefer my zukes and shrooms to not get too mushy. So, I throw them in later in the sauteing process.

To assemble pizza, spread the cheese 'paste' onto the crust. Pile on the sauteed veggies. Break up bacon pieces on top of veggies. Finally, sprinkle mozzarella cheese on top to bind all that veggie/bacon goodness together. Yum!

Doing: 
It felt like a slower paced week for us.
The kids attended Action Camp in the evenings, though Tucker had to miss two days for running random, low grade fevers for a day and a half. They were so out of the blue with no other symptoms, but I have my own theory about this.

We were two days without the Pilot again this week which meant hitching a ride to musical practice on Monday and otherwise being home bound for Monday and Tuesday.  

Plans I had for the boys to participate in a Minecraft Mania event at one of our local libraries on Tuesday were cancelled, and a swimming get together scheduled for Wednesday was also cancelled for a variety of reasons. 

Tucker's fever prevented us from getting together with friends who wanted to drop in on Thursday and also a scheduled creek play day at our house with friends on Friday. 

A lot of cancelled plans for the boys' "Week of Birthday," which is typically hugely disappointing for all of us, but I wonder if my kids, along with me,  have been needing some down time, some space, quiet, rest, even boredom to get a grip on our relating with each other and seeing how much having no plans can afford us within our home and with each other. 

The boys and I pulled out a game they received for Christmas and finally learned how to play, Settlers of Catan. We set the board up on Monday and played a little each day.
I played cards with Bella several times. 

I was on top of my laundry, even managing to fold it and put it away all week long!  I spoke with my sister, sister-in-law and mom on the phone, something I just do not make time to do typically. I read. We swam. I napped. 

I even managed to log close to 14 miles this week in my running shoes. My goal has been 13. 

Surprisingly, I enjoyed the semi-secluded life this week, aspects of it anyway. With the increased focus and peace, however, came some unsettling temptations for me personally. 

Having to cancel plans or just not have many in place this week, I realized that I often initiate with others for the fear that I will be forgotten otherwise.
Hard to admit that, but it's true.

God has definitely been putting His finger on that in my life lately--this fear of being forgotten or left out. I know I am not alone. FOMO is a "thing" I didn't create but apparently "suffer" from. 

Thursday night, I attended a parenting course, called "Trust Based Parenting," LA and I are going through with some friends of ours. The sessions we watched and discussed this week were immediately applied and benefited from in our home and parenting.  

Though not always easy to implement, they are simple changes really.  Get down on eye level with your child. Give eye contact and request eye contact from your child. Use a soft tone of voice and gentle touches.  It may not sound all that profound, but the affects have been profound!

Too often, I am barking orders from another room in the house. I am breaking up fights happening in the basement while I continue to cook in the kitchen. I am "listening" to my son tell me all about his Lego creation while I scroll my Instagram feed. This can work for some kids and even my kids some of the time. But, what I am communicating to my children through my body language is that they are not enough of a priority in that moment to go to them, to give them eye contact and my full attention and patience.

Today, I tried another way, this method of parenting, with one of my children who absolutely lost control of herself in the car ride home from church. She (I guess you can tell who I'm talking about, huh, using "she"?) screamed at the top of her lungs over and over and banged on the window because she missed seeing a roadside attraction we occasionally drive by on our way to and from church.
Totally inappropriate behavior for a 8.5 year old. Absolutely disproportionate response for the circumstance.

Typically, I may have yelled, or tried to yell over top of my daughter to tell her to NOT SCREAM at something like that. Or, I would let her know that she would be receiving some form of discipline at home for the way she just over reacted.

Today, I remained quiet and calm. I asked LA to pull the car over. When he did, I calmly unbuckled my seat belt, turned around in my seat to look directly at my daughter. She covered her mouth as though I was about to flick her for screaming, another thing I have sadly done in the past. In a calm tone of voice, I simply told her that I understood it was disappointing to not have seen "the lady" but that her screaming was not appropriate, and she was not demonstrating the self control she should for that circumstance.
That's it.

She acknowledged and affirmed what I said.
I asked her to apologize to everyone in the car for screaming and ask for forgiveness for not having self control.
She did. And, that was that. Done.
No screaming match, no escalating behaviors from any of us. No further correction or punishment needed. 

If I allow pride to reign in my heart, I can be embarrassed to admit that I am applying these kinds of good parenting procedures as a result of watching this course's videos when in reality so much of what I am doing is just obeying what God has told us to do all along...Love is PATIENT, KIND, GENTLE, NOT RUDE OR SELFISH. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. 
Yeah, apparently that makes for good parenting, too.

Friday night, we all enjoyed the end of Action Camp Family Night at Christ Fellowship Church. Free Chic Fil-A dinner, Kona Ices, inflatable bouncy and water Slides, face painting and tug of war. 

Saturday is typically a work day for us here at Montford. We mowed, weeded, had some intensive bathroom cleaning training and prepared our home to host LA's family today for our monthly Sunday Family lunch.  We ended our work day with a dip at our friends' pool who so generously allow us use of their glorious pool and property. It is a little taste of Heaven at MistyGlen Farm, and we are always so blessed to spend some time there. Lucky for us, they are just five minutes' drive from our house.

Today, we celebrated the boys' 11th birthday with LA's family. I can really, hardly believe they are 11. I am loving, though, watching them grow independent, more responsible and articulate.  We enjoyed one of their favorites, macaroni and cheese, along with meatball sandwiches, sauteed green beans, and black bean taco dip. For dessert, Judah had a chocolate ice cream cake, and Tucker savored one of his favorites, lemon meringue pie. 

Looking ahead: 
We will be working on Bella taking her new medication. It's a capsule, and she wasn't having it. We tried tonight very unsuccessfully. We are taking a step back and practicing with smaller pieces of candy. Hopefully, she'll be taking her new medicine like a champ this time next week.
Also on the health front, Judah will have a follow up with his eye surgeon.
I am looking forward to running a 5K at a local vineyard next Sunday night, Boordy Vineyard. Running and wine--two of my favorites together. Awesome!

Father's Day

I'm a little late to the game. I usually am. Nevertheless, I wanted to document a thought, just one, I ruminated on regarding my hubby yesterday, Father's Day. 

There was a plethora of  touching tributes to fathers and pictures of dads with their children as I scrolled through my facebook and instagram feeds yesterday. But, I remained silent.  I am not sure entirely why I do this. Mother's Day, Father's Day, people's birthdays. I freeze up. There's always been something about these days having hints of obligation behind one's card, gift or words of well wishes that just keep me at a distance.
I know. I have issues. Let's just move on.

The one thing, the most pronounced and really important thing that makes my husband an amazing father is simply this: he loves us when we are unlovable. He has demonstrated this to me more times than I could enumerate over the thirteen years that we have been married. He is now demonstrating this to our children with a steadfastness that seems impenetrable at times. He is not perfect in this, of course, but he perseveres with some unlovely creatures here in our home at times. 

He is patient and soft-toned many times. He comes alongside us in our emotional pits and encourages us, cheers us on, and reminds us Whose we are, that God loves us, and that we also love God and want to live for Him. And, he makes us laugh when the air becomes just a little too thick for comfort with intense emotion. He lightens the mood and enlivens our hearts to love one another again.

He is a picture of Jesus to us in this characteristic of his fatherhood and as a spouse. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Thank you, Lawrence, for demonstrating some serious love to me, your wife, and to our children, at our most unlovely moments. 

If you haven't had your daily dose of caffeine, you may want to grab that cup of coffee or sweet tea before you read this. In fact, you may not really want to read this at all because I am finding myself most wanting to write on days that I feel tired, defeated, discouraged, confused or frustrated. I don't only write when in that frame of mind, but I definitely do write when in that frame of mind. It must be some sort of release valve for me. So, as with so many of my posts, this one is more for me than anyone else.

I've been trying to establish a new routine of putting myself to bed by 11 pm and waking consistently by 7 am each morning. I know for some 7 am would be a dream as your morning comes much earlier. For a long time, I would have felt guilty that I have to make an effort to wake up by 7 am knowing that in the vast majority of 30 something year olds' lives, 7 am would be considered sleeping in. I no longer feel like a slug about this. I am seeking to live unapologetically a life that pleases God which, for me, includes waking up when I do. for now. And, obviously by having to write an entire paragraph about this, I am clearly walking in absolute freedom about this fact. Or NOT.  HA!

ANYWAY, I didn't wake up at 7 this morning because I was up past midnight enjoying my hubby's company on our first "in house date night."  Given our children, at ages 9 and 6, still do not seem to grasp the meaning of "GO TO BED," they are put to bed close to ten times or more before they actually STAY in their room.  Falling asleep does not happen until around 10 pm, and that is on nights we mandate they turn their lights out, stop reading, playing legos and/or talking!  So, LA and I do not really relax until they are asleep.

Parents of teens, I am so sorry. When must you ever get to spend time together?  I know harder days are ahead, and you are just laughing at me right now, not feeling the slightest bit sorry for me.  It's ok. I know I'm pathetic.

I did wake up before 8 am, which was good because we had agreed to meet friends at Chic-Fil-A by 8:30 am for their promotional free breakfast this week.  Morning chores were not entirely accomplished before we had to head out, but we were at least all dressed.

Arriving to Chic-Fil-A first among our small group of friends, I ordered our free breakfast, a bagel for each of us, and had a jump on my kids eating before friends arrive. For my children, socializing takes priority over eating any day. I suppose the apple does not fall far from the tree on this one. Although, I have to say that as I age, I think I am beginning to turn the corner on this one and may just enjoy eating more than socializing much of the time, which may explain the extra 10 pounds I have amassed over this past year. Unfortunate true story.

First to arrive, first to leave. I told the kids we would have a limited amount of time for breakfast and playtime with friends because we had to have a focused effort at school today given we had a dentist appointment after lunch to scramble to and errands to run after that. Giving them the heads' up was a good move; grumbling was minimal and I don't believe any tears were shed or threats made. Success.

Walking in my house, however, at 9:30, to see the pencil, paper, sweatshirt on the floor, legos on my console (my spot of beauty that is NOT to be adulterated by the kids' stuff), random pencil on the bench in the kitchen, empty baggies on the counter, just STUFF strewn here and there, a little bit in a lot of places...sent me to a place of angst and anxiety. Immediately, my blood started flowing a little faster and my mind was racing.  What do I attack first?  

I knew I had to keep the kids on a short leash and get them started on school, but I also want them to grow in picking up after themselves, in seeing the little trails they leave behind them everywhere they go. I kind of freaked out a little bit. I basically asked my kids to bow to my idol of order by saying, "Mommy cannot think straight with all this stuff strewn all over the place. My house feels a little cluttered, so my mind is feeling a little overwhelmed. Can we take 2 minutes, move as fast as we can to get all these little things put back into their homes?"

My children have heard this oh, once or twice. They knew what to do. We all sprang into action, took a little more than 2 minutes, and had a "fresh palette" from which to work.

Deep breath. I truncated our typical morning school routines by omitting our bible story but not neglecting prayer. We needed to pray. We always need to pray here. I could tell it was going to be an uphill kind of day. Kids had presentations to work on, challenging writing and grammar work this week and a Math test that may or may have not gone so well. I didn't know for sure because I still had to grade it.

I set the kids to work on research for their presentations on a famous artist. Tucker and Bella worked together on Carl Linnaeus; Judah read about Rembrandt.  I graded the boys' math tests. One boy did great on  his test; one did not do so great. Many errors, about half the test, prompted a little conversation with said boy about reading the problems before jumping into calculations.  On top of all else he had to accomplish in our shortened school day, he also now had to re-take his test.

After about 45 minutes, two of the three were pretty much finished with their presentations. One was still writing, writing, writing about his artist, watching videos, looking at pictures, tediously putting together his presentation for co op next Monday.  While I love to see my children really pore over information or give themselves to a project, I often feel a tension with the time it takes to go deep when I feel we have to go wide in this season of education. It's a tricky balance to find as a homeschool mom.

There is so much more that took place within those 3 short hours of school today, but I am already tired of rehashing every last detail of this painfully, long day.

Broad strokes include a tedious time teaching Bella about graphs in Math, helping her through words like "picturesque" and "clique" (hello, she's in first grade already!) in Reading, waiting for her to figure out that she wrote her "p" backward in the sentence I dictated to her (I think it took more than 10 minutes and I finally just told her that it was written backward), and correcting her poetry recitation when she missed the small, insignificant-to-me-but-not-to-poetry-memorization words like "the" and "but."  Nevermind the umpteen times I had to "check in" with the boys to make sure that all that ruckus I heard from my bedroom where I was reading with Bella was really them quizzing each other on their Grammar charts.

Oh my dear Lord, by lunch time I really wanted to quit the day, go for a run, hide in a corner and eat chocolate chips.  I was so spent by our 3 hours of "hurry up and get school finished", and I still had to get through lunch, dentist appointments, grocery shopping and dinner before I could come up for air.

I could go on to write about lunch with my children, who for whatever reason just do not like to eat when it's meal time; they do not like to sit still and eat a meal that is put before them. They take 4 bites and feel like their tummy is going to explode. I kid you not. I am trying to keep them from eating snacks in between meals, but they still balk about eating "a lot" in one sitting. By a lot I mean a full sandwich, 5 carrot sticks and a chocolate chip cookie. That was today's lunch. I had one who ate the carrots and cookie and left his entire sandwich but for one bite.  Whatever. I had to get them to the dentist. I didn't have time to fight today.

The dentist was probably the best time we had all day, ironically enough. No cavities; the hygienist and dentist were efficient and gentle, and Bella placed her own x-ray slide in her mouth for the x-ray technician, thoroughly impressing all the staff. Yup, that's my fiercely, independent, "Do not help me" girl!

3:00 pm. I have been going for 7 hours at this point, juggling the needs and demands of my three kids, working through conflicts with them, taking care of the physical needs that home management requires--all while giving cursory attention to the tens of thoughts, ideas, and questions running through my own mind each minute. If you have ever spent some time with me or my children, you know we really like to talk.  We have the capacity to talk a mile a minute. And, while that is true, what is even more true is that our minds go at even greater speeds. My.mind.never.shuts.up!  Unless I am hiking or watching 'my birds.' Thank you, Jesus, for my bird feeders and the woods that I now call "home."

So, I am about an hour into this post, and I have made myself even more tired than I was when I started.
What was the point again?
I think it was this.

There were so many moments in my day today when I heard a myriad of statements in my head:
I cannot do this. 
I am so tired. 
Why am I a mom? 
Why do I homeschool my children? 
We need to be a part from one another more often. 
I just have to make it to 5:30 when LA takes them to Tae Chuan Do tonight. They ARE going to Tae Chuan Do tonight no matter what.  
Just do the next thing. 
You can make it. 
I cannot lift my arms, I feel that exhausted.

And at one point--I think it was when I was finally driving home after running our grocery store/bank errands--I thought, "Wow, I haven't felt this way for a while."

Today reminded me of a season when my children were younger and I felt like this every.single.day.  And, when I was there, I thought I had been there from the time my kids were born and that I was never going to feel any different about motherhood and being at home full time with my kids. But, today, in the midst of feeling this way again, I was reminded that I don't feel this way all the time. I did come out of that "fog" of sorts. It did not last forever.

Motherhood is still really hard for me. It still feels like I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I do question my choice to be at home full time and homeschool my children most days.  But, something HAS changed. I HAVE grown in stamina for these long days. My thresholds for mess, chaos, noise and ongoing refereeing of youthful conflicts HAVE increased.  I am giving of my time, talents and emotional capacity more readily, more second nature.  The need still outweighs my capacity. I still am crying out to Jesus in desperation much of my day. But, I have grown. Jesus has grown me. The daily sacrifice of "doing the next thing" has brought about change and growth in my life and heart.

I love fitness, so I liken this to doing a new exercise routine of any kind. Let's take push ups for an example. If you have never done push ups, your first goal is just to do ONE push up in right form. So, you do that ONE push up in correct form everyday for a week or more. Eventually, with consistency, one push up becomes easy, too easy. You decide to try for five push ups. Again, giving it consistency and time, you find yourself capable of doing five push ups without breaking a sweat. You move onto ten, then twenty. Some people can do 100 push ups. That is not you.  But, you are also not the person who isn't able to do push ups at all. You can do 20 now because of consistency and time.

So, all this for the "take away."  If you are a new mom or just new at something, any new 'role', you may feel awkward and weak and sure that you will always feel this way.  But, you won't. You will grow; it will change. Give it time. Give it consistent effort, consistently doing the next thing, consistently laying your heart and hands before the Lord, asking Him to establish you, establish the work of your hands, establish your heart in steadfastness, faithfulness and love for what HE has called you to. And, at some point in time, imperceptibly, things will change. And, you will have a hard day, a day like mine, when you feel like you do now. Only it will be an out of place feeling because you will have moved on from that emotional place you are in now. And, it will remind you of how far you have come, how far God has brought you.