Bitter or Better, Our Choice

I rounded the corner at the end of the hallway and realized I knew where I was. This was a familiar place. When it dawned on me, I looked to my boys, now 13, and with a smile, pointed to these two chairs and said, “Boys, I nursed you in those chairs and on the floor of one of the exam rooms in the back. Initially, I recounted this to them as a fond memory, filling them in on a time they were very much a part of but would have no remembrance because they were just babies, days old as a matter of fact. 

But then, as I took a seat to wait once again for an ultrasound to be taken of my oldest’s (by two minutes) eyes, the tears welled up in my own eyes. Surprised by this rush of emotion, I tried to quell the sobs that were building, to no avail. There in the pediatric division of Wilmer Institute at Johns Hopkins, I sat and sobbed. My sons inquired; a nurse walked by observing and offered us dum dums, the quintessential, “This will make everything better” offering to all children in every hospital or medical clinic worldwide, I am convinced. The external stimuli jolted me out of that traumatic place the sight of those two chairs took me, and I was able to compose myself enough to decline the sweet nurse’s offer of comfort in lollipop form. 

• 
  

It’s been 13 years walking a road I never could have anticipated traveling. When we were first told about our son’s diagnosis of Sturge Weber Syndrome and all the potential havoc it could wreak on his, and subsequently our lives, we were shell shocked. Entering Hopkins’ clinics just days after my twins were born introduced us to a world of specialists, medical jargon, tests, procedures and surgeries we would not know anything about should God have spared us from this lot. But 13 years later, I can see how much we have all grown through what God chose for us. I can see we have learned so much; we have grown in empathy and informed compassion for a whole segment of this world that we may have otherwise overlooked or even ignored. I can see our endurance for life’s challenges, curve balls, unexpecteds and unknowns has been strengthened. 

• 
  

 I want to take this opportunity to encourage anyone who’s been thrust upon a life path you never would have chosen and can’t get off of. Or maybe you did run after & welcome a certain life trajectory, but it’s all new and proving to be harder than you thought it would be, with costs you aren’t sure you’re prepared to pay. Time really is an important player that you will either thank or regret depending on what you cultivate with that time. 

It may be cliche, but the truth nevertheless remains. Circumstances can make you bitter or better, and it’s time that will deepen what you chose to cultivate. Let me be a voice in your life today urging you to fight to be shaped for the better by whatever it is that is pressing down hard on you right now. Be vigilant about uprooting those bitter seeds that want to grow deep in your soul. They often sound like, “This isn’t fair. I deserve better than this. I hate my life. Why do things go well for everyone else but me? What have I done to deserve this? How will anything good come from this?” 

I’m not saying that there won’t be struggle or that I never thought these things or still don’t sometimes think these things. But, let’s together remember we have a choice in what we’re going to do when these thoughts come. We can choose to nurture these embittering thoughts or reject them and replace them with God’s truth. He has promised to work all things together for the good of those who love Him. He has promised to fulfill His purposes for our lives, and as those who love Jesus and have given our lives to Him, we can trust His purpose is to prosper us and not to harm us. It might look oh so different than we could ever have imagined, but He is wise. He is good. And He will sustain us even through the darkest of times. 

• 
  

We received another diagnosis yesterday for my son, one that likely has been there since he was born. And despite the numerous eye specialists who have spent hours, that could likely amount to days if added up, looking into the depths of my son’s eyes, this anomaly was not discovered until yesterday. It’s likely the cause of his extremely poor vision in his one eye, at least according to the doctor we saw yesterday. Honestly, who really knows? 

I could be tempted to anger over this, but for 13 years, I have sought to cultivate a firm belief that God is my son’s Creator, Sustainer and his ultimate Physician. And He reveals what He wants and keeps hidden what He wants hidden even to the “Best of the Best.” And because I’ve cultivated that truth over a long period of time, I do not have to get angry about this potentially missed diagnosis. I do not have to wonder if we could have preserved better vision in that eye had this been discovered earlier in his journey. I can fully trust that we have sought God throughout my son’s whole life for help with his needs. We have followed through on what God led us to do, the doctors to whom He led us. And we can have confidence that though we undoubtedly have not walked this out perfectly, we have a God who is perfect in all His ways even when His ways seem to run counter to our finite wisdom. For 13 years, I have imperfectly but genuinely cultivated trust in God, and I’m not going to stop trusting Him now. 

Today, I’m beckoning you to do the same.

Observations from my sick bed on Thanksgiving

No one chooses when illness comes nor trials of any kind. 
But they come nevertheless. Unannounced, unwelcomed, inconvenient.
Expectations are rearranged, reshaped, sometimes bending us out of shape. 

Illness came for me this year over a holiday, Thanksgiving. 
After delivering what I hope to be an "inaugural teaching" called, "Giving Thanks in the Thick of It," I found my very self in the thick of it with achy muscles and joints, low-grade fever, chills and general malaise. 

I lay in bed that first night of fighting the chills thinking, "It must just be the crash after the build up of giving this talk."  I didn't think I had built up this talk in my mind or heart. I was not giving it my normal obsessive attention. I was not nervous, more than I thought was reasonable at least. I asked for input and prayer from others, and had committed the results to God a part from how I "performed." Perhaps my body was telling a different tale.

Seven days later, today, Thanksgiving day, I can say my body was not crashing from some mentally frenzied build up of anticipation to fulfilling a dream of mine. No, I just simply got sick. 

Some virus. Four days in, I went to my doctor who said, "Gone are the days of the 24-hour bug. Viruses are stronger now and last longer. There is nothing to do but wait it out."

So, I am waiting it out. and waiting. and waiting. 

And, there are all kinds of observations to be made in the waiting rooms of life.
Once one gets past the obvious observation that she doesn't like to wait, there is a lot more to see. 

1. A husband who goes after life with all the tools I find completely useless.  But, he utilizes them and gets things done after all. Different tools, different strategies. But, the man gets things done.

I spend far too much time criticizing him for the "tools" he chooses to use and how he chooses to use them...spreadsheets, clipboards, hours of planning, researching. I am often busy blazing a trail with whatever stick I found on the path, working really hard but not smart, and criticizing him for wasting time looking up "the best tools to blaze a trail" on google.

Father, thanks for giving me this time to do nothing but watch him, watch my husband do what he does so well. He does it his way which is not my way, but it is A way and sometimes the better way if I'm humble enough to admit it. He is good at doing things his way. Things get done. People are served and loved. And, he is a gift to me. Help me to stop criticizing and trying to convince him that he's wasting time but rather to cheer him on and to give thanks for giving me a man who is so completely my opposite and yet loves me fiercely and so, so well. 

2. My children can be rather self sufficient when they need to be. I love and hate that at the same time. For forever, it felt like, I just wanted my children to grow up so they could cut their own food, buckle themselves into their seats, dress and wipe themselves in the bathroom. And now they can do all of that and more. But from the vantage point of laying on the couch, all of them helping themselves and then moving on, I was sad to not be able to serve them. I realized what a gift it is to serve others. 

Father, thank you for giving me this undeserved role of "mom." I complain about it so often, and I feel so ill-suited for the role, but you gave it to me anyway. And, I actually love it. I love being my kids' mom. I love serving them. I love helping them learn how to live life. It is an incredibly undeserved gift You've given me, motherhood.  Thank you. 

3. There is far less to do in life than what I think needs to be done.
I make lots of lists. I have a lot of things to do. always. Illness has this way of distilling down to the bare necessities on those lists I love. Day after day has passed of me accomplishing very little but simply putting in another day, fighting to be healthy again. 

I L O V E productivity. I A D O R E getting things done. I derive immense satisfaction at coming to the end of a day, looking back on that day having done many, many things. I may even find a bit of my self worth wrapped up in being a productive person. I know in my mind that my worth is not in what I accomplish, but I still function and respond to life as though it were at times. I do not find great joy in simply "being." No, "Doing" has always been my jam. 

But, I have had to figure this out because God has laid me out time and time again. I have had to come face to face with what and in Whom I am going to find value and worth, not just for myself but for everyone else, too.

Am I lovely because I am? Are you lovely because you are?  Am I worthy because Jesus calls me worthy, or is it because I crossed ten things off the list today?

Father, this is a hard thank you, but a thank you nonetheless, for taking me out of the game of life from time to time. You do this far more often than I would prefer, but apparently I am a very slow learner. Thank you for loving me simply because you made me to be loved. Thank you for making me work hard to find my value and worth in YOUR greatness rather than my own, in YOUR ability rather than my own. 

4. In my own suffering, I am so much more aware of others suffering this year. Friends who are battling chronic illnesses of various kinds, friends who are mourning loss or fretful about impending loss of some kind--you are all so close to my heart right now and in my thoughts.

If this is how acutely aware I am of those suffering, how much more so is God not only aware but so very near. Psalm 34:18 says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit.

Father, thank you that you are a God who sees and knows, who cares for us and carries our sorrows. Thank you that you are a God who sympathizes with us in all our frailty because you took on human flesh yourself. You came down to our earth and experienced it in all its brokenness and mess, in its illness and grief. And, now Jesus, you stand to the right of God,the Father, who sits on the throne of grace, and you pray for us by name to our Father who is merciful and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness. Thank you that though my home be without human companions at the moment, I keep the company of Christ with me always.

There seem always more words to write and say, but my frailty allows me no more strength to peck it out. It is time to rest. again. 
A truly, "Happy Thanksgiving" to all no matter what state or circumstance you find yourself in.

Sunday Night Summary, September 13, 2015

Reading: I started "In the Land of the Blue Burqas" by Kate McCord after a friend gave it to me to borrow. As one eager to understand the cultures and religious expressions of others, I am enjoying this book. As one who values the well being and honor of women, I am not enjoying this book at all. 

It is a very difficult read for me as it exposes the treatment of women within this particular religious and geographical culture goes beyond being unappreciated to being devalued and even dehumanized. This is hard to slog through. 

But because the author is a Christian and shares how she weaves the truth of God's grace, love and mercy for all humankind, including women, into the conversations she has with the Afghans, I keep flipping the pages to find hope upon hope for a people deluded and estranged from the true and Living God. 

Eating: I've got two fabulous recipes for you this week. At this point in the summer, most people have had enough of the garden ripe tomato. You've either canned tomato-based everything until the skin of your fingertips peeled off from all the acid, or you have given tomatoes away to everyone you know and some strangers, too. Maybe, like me, you learned this wonderful tip of freezing whole tomatoes but now you don't actually know what you're going to do with all of those frozen tomatoes.

I have at least one, very good solution for you and it comes by way of Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa. When I discovered her fresh tomato soup, I knew I would never be able to consume canned tomato soup again. (*unless you graciously serve it to me at your table, and then I will spoon up every bit of it and kiss you for making food for me)

And, guys, it's not hard to make. It might seem intimidating, but just try it one time. But whatever you do, do NOT try the whole "you can make soup in your Vitamix thing."  Ask me why later. 
Here's the link to this delicious and nutritious soup: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/cream-of-fresh-tomato-soup-recipe.html 

Serve it up with grilled cheese made with garlic bread, and you have got yourself an awesome, autumnal meal.

I cranked out quite a few homemade desserts this week, and I'm not even entirely sure I know why I did that when I have six, yes 6, packages of Neumann-O's (like Oreos) in my pantry. Nevertheless, we had friends over on Saturday night, and my folks visited this afternoon and this dessert was a winner with both: http://www.jocooks.com/bakery/cakes/chocolate-magic-cake/

Doing: We had a low key Labor Day weekend last weekend because the recovery from my tooth extraction was is taking way longer than I anticipated. I was still taking ibuprofen around the clock, icing my jaw and avoiding talking five days post procedure. Avoiding talking?  You gotta know it was bad if I was asking to NOT talk.
Regardless, we were able to host two sets of friends on Sunday night for a small fire on our stone patio and s'mores while I iced my jaw. And, Monday, I felt well enough to make and take dinner to another friend's house where we enjoyed a small fire and s'mores again because, hey, it's almost fall and 'tis the season for fires and s'mores. Anyone with me?

We dealt with a recall on our Pilot and learned that we are apparently still not done with repairs. What is up, Honda?  Lawrence told me we have three things yet to take care of on this vehicle, but they can wait. Like until we have money again, maybe?!  Anyway, truly, I am grateful to have the resources to be able to take care of our vehicles and teeth even if it's not the most fun way to spend one's money. 

On Friday, the kids and I had our first day of homeschool co-op called Crossroads. A part from some nervous jitters and a bee sting during gym, we all thoroughly enjoyed our time and are looking forward to our year learning with this community of fellow homeschoolers. 

Friday night, I was able to attend a volunteer orientation with World Relief to learn more about how my family and I can serve the needs of refugees coming to our area. It was an enlightening time, learning from my friend, Nan Ross, the volunteer and church coordinator for World Relief. 

Saturday was filled with cooking, baking, cleaning and hanging with friends. One of our friends spent the majority of the summer in Russia, where my girlfriend is from, and we were grateful to have some time to catch up on Saturday night over coconut pie and chocolate magic cake.  

Today we thoroughly enjoyed a visit from my folks who made the two hour trek to see us. We haven't been able to travel up to Pennsylvania much this summer with the various car repairs and medical needs we needed to attend to. So, it was really nice to have a visit from them, eat fresh tomato soup that I made and vegetable beef soup that my mom made and catch up on all things family, house and health related along with a few games of Quirkle. 

Looking Ahead: The fall schedule is about to commence in full force this week... a field trip, summer and fall extra curriculars overlapping and some really fun social gatherings for me and the kids. And, I am really hoping and praying I can hit the pavement again running. It's been two weeks! I miss it like crazy, but even the walks I've done (it has sadly, only been two) have left my tooth throbbing afterward. So, we'll see what my body says "yes" to this week. 

Sunday Night Summary, September 06, 2015

Reading: Much of what I read this week had to do with the refugee crisis. I am slain by the overwhelming need and fighting my cynicism to believe God's people in particular will not turn away in apathy or complacency but will do one.small.thing, as Ann Voskamp so eloquently encourages in this, her one of several posts on the call to the Church to be the hands and feet and mouthpiece of Christ. 

Please take some time to read some of the links she provides, to NOT TURN AWAY but to absorb and feel and then ACT. Though not in the same way as these refugees, I have nevertheless been a person in need. I have been a person who has grieved loss again and again. Life's circumstances could have broken me and made me bitter, but by God's mercy, they have not. They have shaped me, though, forging empathy into the fiber of my being. But, I am only one person. I have limited resources, but God has given me a heart that feels things so very deeply and a voice that I am not afraid to use to solicit others to action. 

Honestly, in light of what I have learned this week about refugees, I found it difficult to give emotional focus to anything else I read. Though, I finished "For the Love" by Jen Hatmaker and will say it was the most enjoyable and resonating book I have read in a long time.

She is beginning a book club of sorts for her book, and I am hoping to not only participate but include a few of my fellow "For the Love" local friends. I would much rather discuss the ins and outs of living out our faith sitting face to face with you, a glass of wine and piece of chocolate in hand, than online staring at a computer screen. Anyone in?  I'll provide the wine and chocolate. :)

Eating: This week it was a lot of smoothies and pureed food for me. I had my first tooth extracted. First, yes, of hopefully only two teeth that will ever be pulled from my mouth. The extraction itself wasn't so awful, but the recovery has been more painful and lengthy than I anticipated. By day 3, I fully expected to be back to normal. Instead, on day 4 I am still drinking smoothies, slurping soup, popping ibuprofen every 4 hours and icing the side of my face.

The upside to this is that I was able to pre-maturely prepare one of my fall favorites, Butternut Squash Soup. Of the plethora of recipes available, this is my current favorite.  Don't let the "vegan, paleo, gluten free" labels scare you. It's absolutely scrumptious.

I don't know about you, but I am eagerly anticipating the cooler temperatures of fall for the simple joy of making soup again. I am rather fond of soup despite my family's mere tolerance of it. I suppose it is too close to a casserole concept for my family's liking. I am one of those odd ducks that just loves casseroles, soups and salads.  Everything is in or on one pot, plate or bowl. Minimalist to the core. What's not to love?

For whatever reason (and that reason NOT being that I am pregnant) I was craving an Italian Wedding Soup and so took a stab at making it for the first time this week.  While the appearance of it was rather odd due to a technical error incorporating the eggs, the taste was outstanding. Even my hubby liked it enough to eat leftovers!
What soups are among your fall favorites?  Leave a link in the comments.

Doing: Well, this wasn't one of my favorite weeks ever. But, hey, "Momma said there'd be days like this." And, I've had weeks like this past one before. I know they are inevitable. And, I know we get through them.  That's what we did. We got through this week as best as we could. 

As I mentioned, I had my first tooth extraction. It went better than I anticipated. The surgeon and his assistant are wonderful--patient, thorough, sympathetic and skilled.  I was grateful to find an oral surgeon with whom I was comfortable.

Two days after my extraction, Judah had a laser treatment. For whatever reason, he experienced more pain with this treatment than he ever has before. He screamed all throughout the treatment and cried for about an hour afterward. He was in so much distress after his treatment that he felt he was going to pass out at one point. 

The doctor brought an ice pack for his face, and Judah sat with his face directly in the air conditioning fans of my hubby's car the entire ride home, moaning and asking God why He was torturing him. 

It was not one of the more fun "mom moments" but one in which I was very grateful Judah has a mom and a dad to be with him in these dark hours, to hold his hand, remind him to breathe, assure him the pain won't last forever. And, it didn't. 

By the time we were within 15 minutes of home and passing a local ice cream shop, Judah was feeling better enough to accept our offer for ice cream. Chocolate and Cookies-N-Cream with rainbow sprinkles and gummy worms for the win!

"Medical" and "Mechanical" are two budget categories that are absolutely bleeding us currently. Since the end of May, we have had near non-stop medical needs along with issues with our vehicles. 

This past week, our Pilot was at the mechanic again. Lo and behold as Lawrence pulled out of the mechanic's parking lot after having a sensor replaced, a part that we had fixed just a month ago broke AGAIN! No kidding. He literally turned out of the parking lot only to turn right back in and leave the Pilot with the mechanic for another day. 

Thankfully, the mechanic did not charge us for this second fix, but we are researching Honda recalls to find out if this is something the manufacturer can be held responsible for.  We have had the same mechanic for years and trust his reliability and skill. We will be taking it to the Honda dealer this upcoming week for a recall on another part that has been needing fixed for a while. 

I am grateful it will be covered financially and that I have friends who live relatively near enough to provide shuttle service or run errands for us as needed. Community is a beautiful thing. And, while we often try to arrange our lives so as to not need anything from anyone else, I have found God force me into this place of need time and time again to remind me that He comes near to those who humble themselves, ask for help and are willing to receive it. 

For some of us, the self sufficient, pick-yourselves-up-by-the-bootstraps, American ideal of "I can do it by myself" is the very thing that keeps us from enjoying the rich benefits of intimate relationships within community. Being a giver as well as a receiver is necessary for robust and well rounded relationships. 

Looking ahead: It is looking like a quieter week of plodding away at school and needs at home, of rest and healing and gearing up for the fullness of a fall schedule, which for us here at Montford includes A LOT of leaf blowing!

The kids and I have the first day of our new homeschool co op, Crossroads, on Friday. I am looking forward to jumping in headlong to this new community of fellow home educators and learners. 

Sunday Night Summary, August 30, 2015

Reading: A friend (thank you, Jen Fisher) allowed me to borrow her copy of Jen Hatmaker's "For the Love," and I am so glad she did. This book. This woman. I love it and her. I love the journey God has taken her on in discovering how to truly love Him and people well. I love that she is not only willing but also incredibly gifted in telling the story of her journey and all that she has learned along the way. In her early 40's, Jen Hatmaker has a wealth of wisdom mixed with a lot of humor to offer in her latest release, "For the Love."

From blog world this week, I read this post by Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience, the heart of which has been challenging me significantly, causing me to ask myself, "How am I really living out the good news that Jesus is and declared through His life, death and resurrection to ALL people, those inside and outside the church?"

Make time to read this all important, incredibly relevant post of Ann Voskamp's. Let this paragraph whet your appetite for the entire post:

When we are against abortion but are for the cutting of social safety nets, when our political agendas are loud but our daily schedules are pretty quiet about serving people different than us, when we get up on our soapboxes about morality but don’t get out of our comfortable boxes to make real friends with those who live a different lifestyle —— we look like we’re more about pro-birth than we are pro-life, we look like we’re more about self-preservation than community transformation, we look like we’re more about judgement than Jesus.

The life of Jesus would radically suggest: The most conservative in theology, should be the most liberal in loving.
The life of Jesus would radically suggest: Don’t advertise your beautiful faith without advertising your broken-down faults — because those broken-down faults are the exact reason why you need your beautiful faith.

Both Jen Hatmaker and Ann Voskamp, in their vastly different yet uniquely beautiful writing and speaking, articulate so many things for which my heart beats loud and hard. These women use strong words and better words than I seem to be able to put together to communicate so much that rings true for me in the walking out of my faith. I am grateful for their diligent pursuit of the gifts God's deposited in them and sacrifices they have made to see those gifts enjoyed and benefited from by others, far and wide. 

Eating: I scored a glut of re-fried black beans at BB's several weeks ago, and have been making a layered taco dip with them that has been a huge hit at several summer gatherings we've had to bring a food dish to.
Here is the ever so easy to put together layered dip, a spin on the traditional taco dip.

1 can re-fried black beans 
Sour Cream or Greek Yogurt (your choice; I use greek yogurt)
Guacamole (homemade or store bought, your choice)
Salsa (same as above)
Shredded Cheddar or mozzarella cheese 

Simply layer the above ingredients and serve with your favorite tortilla chips. It's delicious!

Running out of quick breakfast options this past week, I had to resort to making an overnight french toast. Pioneer Woman's recipes never fail me. I looked up an overnight french toast recipe from her, and I was again pleased. Try it. You won't regret it. http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/cinnamon-baked-french-toast/

Doing: Many returned to school this past week, and so did we. Though, I have learned over the last 5 years of doing this home school gig that a gentle easing back into school goes much better for us than jumping into a full schedule from Day 1. As such, I begin a little earlier than some of my com padres and affectionately call it our "Soft start."

We only took on about half our subjects this week and even then, only completed four school days out of the five. Midweek we took the day off for one final girls' day for Bella at a friend's house who lives right on the waters of the Chesapeake Bay.

My friend, Jill, has gathered Bella along with a handful of other girls Bella's age at her house several times this summer and throughout last spring to spend time with the girls and teach them all things domestic arts related. 

This last girls' day, Jill's focus was spending time with God. Jill graciously allowed me to lead a small time of teaching the girls from what I have learned over my life time about developing, sustaining and strengthening one's relationship with God through Bible reading, prayer and journaling. 

I have to say these are the kinds of opportunities that absolutely make me feel so alive and purpose driven. I love talking about my relationship with God. I love teaching others, especially girls and women, about spiritual things. It was by far one of the highlights of my week, especially the time we had with the girls, talking about what they did and/or learned after they practiced some of the things I taught them. 

We had several doctors' appointments this week. Do I say that a lot? I feel like I say that a lot. sigh. The kids and I all had dental appointments. The kids managed no cavities for which I gave much thanks. I, however, did not fare so well. 

I am telling you, I am the most ardent brusher/flosser in this family, and I always end up the one having the most dental procedures. sigh again. In the midst of scheduling two different teeth extractions, I now have to get a filling to boot. Seriously?  I am ready to have them yank all my teeth and fill my mouth with dentures. I'd have a new party trick at least. 

We enjoyed a more fall-ish feeling week weather wise, and are beginning to see other signs of fall like dried, brown leaves already coating our yard and spiders spinning some rather impressive webs right outside our windows at night. 

The kids and I enjoyed one final "Fun Friday," with some of our home school buds again at our friend, Jill's house. Jumping off her pier, playing "King of the Inter-tube," and eating take out pizza was a great way to celebrate the end of summer and our first week of school simultaneously.

I had my own unintended celebration, winning at my neighborhood Bunco that night. Woot!

I put in just under 10 miles this week running, less than I want but more than nothing. And all my runs were under a 9 minute/mile pace for which I am thrilled. I am just grateful to be out there. 

Oddly enough, one of my favorite things to do all month is my big grocery shop at a discount store 50 minutes from my house. I wake up at 6:30 a.m. on the first Saturday of the month typically, am on the road by 7 a.m. and arrive to BB's as they are opening their doors at 8 a.m. I spend 4 hours grocery shopping and love every second of it, except for maybe the 120 seconds I spend in the deep freezer. That's not as much fun.  But, this grocery store fills my freezers, fridge and pantry for about a quarter of the cost of shopping at any of my local grocery stores. It is so worth the time and trip in this season of my life. And, I get a solid 6 hours all by myself. I catch up on podcasts I want to listen to. I sit in sheer silence and breathe a little deeper. I pray. I love it. 

Saturday afternoon, I attended a baby shower my church hosted for the Greater Baltimore Center for Pregnancy Concerns.  I had never been to a baby shower like it, and was so grateful for the ways in which my church seeks to play a role in a number of ministries reaching out to and meeting the needs of communities outside its own reach.

Along those lines, as a family we attended a special evening potluck and service at our church tonight that gave attention to the various international missions folks from our church have been on and/or are still a part of. My soul was lifted and enlarged to hear about the activity of God and the unity of His Spirit across the world, specifically in the Dominican Republic, Guatemala, Scotland, Sudan and Russia.

Looking Ahead: I gotta say that I am fighting to look at the week ahead with a cheerful outlook. The heavy circumstances of various friends and family are weighing on my heart tonight in addition to my own little family's needs for this week ahead.

Our truck barely got us home tonight, dash lights indicating several things, more things than we already knew about, needing our attention. So, we need to get that taken care of. 

I am scheduled for my first tooth extraction on Wednesday. I cannot tell you how much I am not looking forward to this. The thing I keep consoling myself with is the thought that maybe, just maybe, I might lose a pound or two due to not being able to eat solids for some time while I heal.

And, hey, because this is how we roll around here...why don't we just end this banner week with a laser treatment for Judah. Friday afternoon, we would love your thoughts and prayers. 

Sunday Night Summary, August 16, 2015

Reading: This wasn't a super exciting reading week. What little time I took to read, I spent it in a book entitled, "Seizures and Epilepsy in Childhood, A Guide," by John Freeman, Eileen Vining, and Diana Pillas.  Published by Johns Hopkins Press, it was a book recommended by Bella's neurologist. Admittedly, I did not get very far into this book before wanting to put it down. Not exactly a page turner, but something I feel I need to read to best understand what is happening in my daughter's brain. 

The definition of absence seizures, the type of seizure Bella has is thus, An absence seizure, formerly called petit mal, is a very special and uncommon type of seizure.  It starts suddenly and without warning.  The child displays a glazed look and stares.  She doesn't know what is happening and usually cannot later recall things that occurred during the seizure.  Occasionally, there is a little eye-blinking or head-bobbing.  The episode usually lasts seconds, occasionally as long as fifteen seconds, and ends as abruptly as it started.  When the seizure ends, the child is immediately alert.  There is no confusion afterward.  These seizures may occur many times a day and are often mistaken for day dreaming."

Thankfully, Bella has never been hurt during one of her seizures, and they do not last longer than a few seconds.  Nevertheless, we are still trying to work on controlling them through medication and other means. 

Another book I continued this week was a Bible study on the prophets of the Old Testament by Nancy Guthrie, entitled, "The Word of the Lord: Seeing Jesus in the Prophets." I read to the end of Jeremiah this week and started reading the book of Daniel. 

Watching: More exciting than reading about seizures, LA and I started a new Netflix series called, "Chef's Table." This series ropes me in on many levels: the food, the psychology of each chef featured and the journey they have taken to arrive at the status of a world renown chef.  

We have only watched two of the six episodes in this series,but I wonder if I already watched my favorite episode, the 2nd, which highlighted Chef Dan Barber.  Aside from his near constant, foul language, his passion for flavor and as a result for the ways in which food is grown and soil is cared for really resonated with me.

Lawrence had a meeting one evening this week, so the kids and I watched "Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire."  The boys have read devoured the entire Harry Potter series over this past year. It has provided much fodder for imaginative play and thoughtful discussion with our kids about good vs. evil, what the spells in Harry Potter mean (I am totally counting this as a Latin credit for my boys!), about magic and the way it can appropriately be viewed as entertainment but also inappropriately applied when one tries to gain control over someone or something over which only God Himself has control. 

On family night, we brought out a classic to watch with the kids, "Chariots of Fire."  Competitive running for the glory of God versus one's self glory is one of the themes of this film and why I love it so much. "When I run, I feel God's pleasure," a statement made by one of the film's main characters, Eric Liddell, is a sentiment I share. 

My children did not share my appreciation. Sigh. They were bored and respectfully bit their tongues throughout the movie so that I alone could enjoy it. 

Eating:  We enjoyed one of my summer favorites this week: Tomato Pie. You don't have to love tomatoes to love this savory pie.  It seems I was the last of my friends who I know also love this dish to make and enjoy it. Here is the recipe link:  http://www.home-ec101.com/tomato-pie/

Doing:  We continued with musical practice with the performance scheduled for September 27th.  J and T are both working on speaking parts, and B is working on a special dance the 7 and 8 year old girls will be doing. 

Judah had his annual follow up with his eye surgeon. After many tests, pictures, dilation and bright lights shone in his eyes, Judah was sent off with the great report of stable eyes.  We are so grateful. 

Providentially, we were at Hopkins the same day a friend of ours' step father was admitted for brain surgery. Judah and I had the opportunity to take some small snacks to them and spend a few minutes talking and praying for God's peace and healing.

Hopkins is a "home away from home" for us, an oddly comfortable place for us to bring a familiar face and hopefully the presence of God and His goodness to those who might find themselves there. 

This past weekend, we had three different sets of friends who were there for one reason or another. It's not a place of ministry I would have ever chosen for myself or my kids, but it has become a place where God has shown me so much of Himself, His provision and many mercies. It is a place in which I am grateful our family can serve and bless others in ways we have so richly been blessed. 

We enjoyed lunch dates, play dates, and more swimming this week.

Bella had the opportunity to have her hair cut with a friend which was so fun for both girls. My only regret is not getting this done at the BEGINNING of the summer rather than at the end. Duh!

We continued with our Trust Based Parenting class, the third of four sessions we will have. I am grateful to be exposed to another way of thinking through and responding to my (and others') children's behavioral challenges.  If nothing else, it is growing in me more empathy, compassion and understanding that people, like books, cannot be judged by their "covers." 

It was so refreshing to be at church this morning; I needed to hear truth and laud truth after the day I had yesterday. A conflict between LA and me spiraled me into a web of lies that I pondered and perseverated on until it literally wore me out physically. By the end of the day, when we were scheduled to have a family over for dessert, I was "stuck" in bed. I crawled in bed at 6 and slept heavy for 2.5 hours. When I woke, I was postured so differently, level headed and reasonable, patient and willing to be entreated. 

I am not much different from a child, I suppose. I need to have proper rest, exercise, good eating and my meds. all on board to function anything close to normal.

And, here's the thing. The conflict remains unresolved. Honestly, I don't know how it is going to be resolved. I don't even really know what needs to happen, who needs to move on his position. But, LA and I are united again to persevere in grace with one another. We are committed afresh to keep fighting for peace and further unity, and that alone is a huge victory or at least a huge victory for us.

This morning, we listened to a message our pastor boldly delivered on self deception. It happened to Saul. It happens to all of us. His big idea was that self deception is not in itself evil, but rather the means by which many evils are done.  

I topped off the week running a 5K at a local vineyard. It's a race I did with a group of girlfriends last year and had so much fun. This year for a variety of reasons, all the girls who registered to run with me couldn't make it. So, my hubby and kids came with me to cheer me on and watch me run.  

It was a hot run and not the time I was hoping for, but an opportunity to run nonetheless. And, I am always grateful for each time I complete another run; I know I am not owed any of those paces. But, boy do I love running!

Looking ahead:  This is the last week of summer vacation for us. We will have our "soft start" to school on the 24th of August. So, I am sure I will pack in as much fun as I can possibly muster amidst the ordinary needs of life.

Father's Day

I'm a little late to the game. I usually am. Nevertheless, I wanted to document a thought, just one, I ruminated on regarding my hubby yesterday, Father's Day. 

There was a plethora of  touching tributes to fathers and pictures of dads with their children as I scrolled through my facebook and instagram feeds yesterday. But, I remained silent.  I am not sure entirely why I do this. Mother's Day, Father's Day, people's birthdays. I freeze up. There's always been something about these days having hints of obligation behind one's card, gift or words of well wishes that just keep me at a distance.
I know. I have issues. Let's just move on.

The one thing, the most pronounced and really important thing that makes my husband an amazing father is simply this: he loves us when we are unlovable. He has demonstrated this to me more times than I could enumerate over the thirteen years that we have been married. He is now demonstrating this to our children with a steadfastness that seems impenetrable at times. He is not perfect in this, of course, but he perseveres with some unlovely creatures here in our home at times. 

He is patient and soft-toned many times. He comes alongside us in our emotional pits and encourages us, cheers us on, and reminds us Whose we are, that God loves us, and that we also love God and want to live for Him. And, he makes us laugh when the air becomes just a little too thick for comfort with intense emotion. He lightens the mood and enlivens our hearts to love one another again.

He is a picture of Jesus to us in this characteristic of his fatherhood and as a spouse. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Thank you, Lawrence, for demonstrating some serious love to me, your wife, and to our children, at our most unlovely moments. 

What God Asks and Never Asks of His Own

God asks His children to endure hard, hard things,
Painful things,
To endure long periods of unknowns
Without answers or relief.

God asks us to have courage and be strong,
To trust Him
and lean not on our own understanding.

God asks us to take on things that are out of our comfort zone--
That hurt and stretch us.

God asks us to give things up,
To surrender,
To lean on Him.

God asks us hard, hard things.


But He NEVER has
And never will ask us
To be without Him through any of it.

We always, always have His presence.

We always, always have His power to overcome.

We always have His name to call on,
His promises to lean on.

We always have His wisdom guiding,
His Spirit abiding.

We always, always have the Father's perfect love
To cast out every fear.

We always have His favor,
His acceptance,
Affection,
His attention.

WE always, always have Him.

The Unexpected Gifts of Chronic Pain

I just ended treatment with my chiropractor of the last 3 1/2 years, and I started sobbing. 
Yes--sobbing. 

Chronic pain has a way of taking you to a place of desperation and humility like very few other things can.  So when you find someone who relieves that pain even in minute ways, you give sincere thanks to God above and you think long and hard about ever parting ways with said care provider.

But, it was time. 

I have had pains creeping, now constant, in other joints without relief or any guess as to the cause. After waiting, praying, talking with others and trying once to leave, it came time to confidently end treatment with my current chiropractor in order to try yet another specialist with the hopes that a new set of eyes on my scans, my history and me will perhaps gain me more ground in recovering a pain- free body. 

But, I wonder often if my quest is a worthwhile one. How much money should I spend?  How many different specialists should I see? tests should be done?  Self doubt enters in and I beat myself up, (figuratively because you know, I'm kind of already feeling beat up enough physically) with thoughts of others who have "real" chronic pain (the kind that has a diagnosis). I think, 
I must just be a wimp or overly sensitive or too attune to my body.  
I'm too high-strung, and my character flaws are actually the root cause of my physical ailments. 
I think too much about myself and my body. I should pour myself out more into the pains and problems others are facing. 
I need to toughen up and deal with it; I am just getting older and this is life. 

And, you know what? All these thoughts MIGHT actually be true. But, it is of little consequence really because whatever the source of my (or your) pain might be, it is for us a context from which to live desperate.

Desperation is likely not on anyone's list of New Year's resolutions. It's not something most people aim for, pray for or welcome into their lives. But, out of desperation comes the sweetest intimacy one can experience, the most genuine experience of Immanuel, God with us, the One whose birth we just finished remembering and celebrating. 

We so often want to do anything and everything we can to rid our lives of pain whether it be physical, emotional or otherwise. We want to dismiss it, deny it or mask it but not press into it, feel it fully and allow it to just be present without answers or remedy to take it away.

But, one thing I have learned over the last seven years of  living with pain is that this thing that I would swiftly kick to the curb if I could, is the very thing that keeps me ever so close to Jesus. It is one of the most pronounced tools God uses in my life to draw my heart closer to His, to experience His abiding love for me, His mercy sustaining me, His ear bent to listen to my cries for help, His hands extending to be that help I need.

The pain that I often wish I could numb is the thing that keeps me from being numb to others' pain. In its height, it heightens my awareness of others' suffering. It fills me with great empathy. It fuels passionate prayers on behalf of others. The thing that I think is stealing my life away is actually what is making me live it more fully, more deeply, more keenly aware of what is worthwhile and eternal.

Today I am seeing a new-to-me doctor with the hopes that he will help me discover the causes and cure for some of the chronic pain I experience.  While I still hold out hope to lose the pain, I pray I will never lose the unexpected gifts pain has given me. 

Are you living with chronic pain, physical, emotional or spiritual?
I would love to pray for you.
No need to write specifics if you are not comfortable doing so; you could simply leave a comment of, "Yes," and I would be honored to pray for you today. May you, too, see and relish the unexpected gifts of chronic pain. 

Full but Blessed Days

My days are ridiculously full. I come to the end of one and forget what I did at the beginning. My gas tank empties faster than it once did, and I am becoming an expert at meals on the go.  Dates with my hubby are scheduled because if it is not on the calendar, it simply will not happen.  I am surprised I haven't scheduled going to the bathroom each day.  (My husband would probably say I should given how much time I spend there ;) )

I miss my girlfriends--leisurely talks over coffee or walks with our toddlers. (YES, there is a perk to having toddlers--you can still strap them into a stroller and go. I know all you moms of toddlers are wondering if there are any perks to this phase of motherhood you're in. So, there you go. That's one. You're welcome.)

Relationship happens in the transition from one event to another while waiting for dance practice to end or Lego League to begin.  Sometiems that only amounts to making a cognitive note that my friend is still alive. And, just knowing that another overscheduled and underpaid mom has made it another day has to be enough to buoy me onto the next.

But I am living in the blessed days. I know that when I drop my kids off for speech club, enjoy a rare ten minutes ALONE in the car on my way home....and miss them. 

The Perfect Master of Our Less Than Perfect Marriage

We are not your Hallmark couple
Though we both love the Hallowed One who made us a couple

We have not been a safe place for each other
But we know and love and run to the One who is an inpenetrable Refuge.

We are not each other's best friends
Yet we have a friend Who sticks closer than a brother.

We have wounded and wronged each other more times than we can count.
Even so, our souls have been bought by the One who was wounded for us and Who will one day make all wrongs, right.

We have grown tired and weary in our striving for peace
Yet our lives are sustained by the Prince of Peace whose understanding none can fathom!

We have scratched and clawed our way to 12+ years of wavering faithfulness and devotion to one another
But the strong arms of God's unfailing love have held us and carried us to today.

We have said so many hurtful, hateful things, condemned and criticized
Though we stand no longer condemned by the One whose judgment alone counts.
We are loved and accepted by Him who speaks only words of affirmation and love over us.

Our marriage is to be a reflection of Christ's love for His bride and the church's reciprocal love and yieldedness to Jesus
Instead we have reflected much lesser, base values of this world.
It has reflected our often wandering hearts that crave delights that cannot satisfy.

There is: who we are, what we see and have experienced in trying to love one another
Then there is: WHOSE we are and what we have not YET seen but will one day---

I have been an imperfect bride.
You have been a less than loving lover.
But the Lover of our souls is perfect.
His love has never failed us.

We are together His bride--cleansed, whole, healed, and eternally loved.

Together, we are still becoming all Jesus fought for us to be.

Today, again, I choose to stand with your hand in mine,
Your heart intertwined with mine
Our gaze on Him, our perfect Savior
                              our perfect Lord
                              our perfect God
Awaiting the day He makes us what He's claimed us to be:
His perfect bride.

Nature's Hidden Treasures

Between the stress of having to be a responsible parent far beyond my preference or capacity this week and the clear, blue skies, this day beckoned me to enjoy some outside time.

I was in great need of refreshment for my soul, mind and body. For me, nothing sooths my soul, quiets my mind and energizes my body quite like being in the great outdoors.

After spending some time watching our kiddos and their friends splash in the spring-cold water of our nearby stream, make mud pies, jump on the trampoline and romp through our daffodils, I decided to pick up where my mother in law left off just a few days ago clearing away layers of leaves left from last fall in one of our flower beds.

 

                                

What looked like a thin layer of leaves turned out to be a rather thick blanket of them which I discovered was hiding precious treasures beneath it.

                               

First, little green sprouts appeared that may be tulips?  This is our first spring here in our new home, and we have not yet seen what beauty spring will have for us here at Montford, but we are excited to find out.

The more I raked, the more I began to see that there was quite a number of blooming plants I had no idea existed beneath all those leaves.

A part from the sheer (odd?) joy I find in physical labor, which was raking today, I was near giddy to be rewarded for my work with these gems.  This propelled me to keep raking even as dusk was settling in and my arms were beginning to quiver from the repetitive task of raking.

I could not finish the entire flower bed before I needed to set the rakes aside for the night in order to complete indoor tasks and prepare myself and our home for this upcoming week's needs.  But, I eagerly made a plan to return to my work tomorrow evening, hoping no rain is in the forecast and I can get back to raking, uncovering more of nature's hidden treasures that might still be lying underneath those layers of leaves. 

It made me think of some aspects of friendship. Initially, when we meet someone we see just the surface. But, we work at discovering what might be below the surface. And, it is work, isn't it? Asking questions. Giving time and careful attention to the details of another's story? Remembering new information about the person. Finding ways to bless her and communicate affection for her.

With time, attention and persistence, however, we often discover gems just waiting to be uncovered.

I am in a season of needing to make and develop new friendships.  There have been several changes in our life over this past year, and I know God is calling me to pursue and embrace new friendships--not at the forsaking of "old" friendships, which I always have to assure myself of because I am a "loyal to the death" type of friend and the idea of "moving on" relationally can start the water works flowing for this girl rather quickly (*if you are just getting to know me, you might want to take note of that and run now.)  ;)  And, yes, I know that was one, really long RUN ON sentence. oy!

So as I move forward relationally, I am going to hold on to this lovely picture God provided tonight as I raked my flower bed, that of hidden treasures lying below the surface. I want to gear myself up for a 'treasure hunt.'

How about you?  Have you experienced friendship in this way, finding unexpected treasures in your pursuit and/or committment to a friend? I'd love to hear about it.

Health is a Gift

Sometimes I am lulled into thinking of health as a given in this life.  We go a week or two or an entire month--which is always and usually, only December simply because I have set a boundary around that month of not scheduling any doctor's appointments unless emergent--without having to see a doctor. An entire season or even two may pass without any of us catching a virus or other infection of any sort, and I begin to think health is ours for the taking.  This week is reminding me it is not. This winter has reminded many that health is not a given. It is a blessing and in many parts of the world, a mark of the privileged.

At the outset of this week I had four doctor's appointments scheduled. As the week has ensued, it looks like I will be making a fifth appointment.  Only one of these appointments is routine; all the others are for some kind of ailment.  And, even the routine check up was with a doctor I see an hour's drive from my home because she specializes in a pain disorder I have.

I do not feel sorry for myself. And I do not want anyone reading this to feel sorry for me or my family. I mention all of the above to draw out a point that health is not a given in this life. Not just in my life but in any life.

Health is a gift.

God grants this gift ultimately, but uses genetics, our diet, fitness, environment and/or medications/suppliments/oils/vitamins, etc. to sustain this gift.

For so many around the world, pursuing health is not an option. Needed medications are not affordable or available. Doctors or otherwise knowledgable medical persons are not accessible.  Environments are polluted or less than sanitary.  Nutrition is not optimal because the funds to acquire quality food are lacking.

So, when I waited an hour in the doctor's office today and was tempted to complain or be frustrated by the long wait, I was grateful for that nudge from God that reminded me that my complaint would stem from a life that has only known privilege and blessing, wealth, abundance and even, relatively good health.

2013 in pictures

Click on the pictures to see a larger image

2013, the year of "NEW"

2013 was a year of change, transitions and lots of "new" in our life.

One of the biggest changes was the purchase of our new home at the end of June. We have been blessed beyond our expectations and dreams with this new home. Lawrence and I still recall some of the 40 homes we considered and even put offers on and pinch ourselves that God made a way for us to buy the one we did.

Along with the joys of our new home has come more responsibility and a lot to learn. We are still figuring out how to take care of our property and our home's interior needs. We are super grateful for friends and family who are more knowledgeable and skillful than we are and are willing to offer that to us as we need it.

Purchasing our new home led to new routines, including my exercise regimen. It may sound trivial, but our membership to the Y was crucial for my overall well being for the last 4+ years. Having to drop that membership, I had to figure out how and what to do in order to keep my mind and body in shape.

I have long loved to run, but with my chronic back issues, I gave it up for good, or so I thought, six years ago.  In God's kindness, I have been under the care of a chiropractor for the last three years who has brought significant improvement and relief in my back. I have been pain free for the majority of the time I have been treated by him. So, I thought I would give running a try again.  Lo and behold, in the last six months, I have surprised myself by reaching 5 mile runs with comfort.

Running has opened the door for relationship with one of our neighbors, Kim, and I have enjoyed taking several runs with her in the last several months.  She has three boys: a set of twins who are my boys' age and  her oldest who is 11.  Soon after we moved into our home, Kim and I enjoyed several afternoons talking while our kids played well together.

Once settled a bit, we began to reach out to other neighbors and discovered several, wonderfully friendly families in our neighborhood who appear to want to build community with each other. Lawrence and I are very excited about the potential opportunities for this.

New relationships abounded in 2013 for us. After 13 years at our church, we left for a variety of reasons. Though not an easy decision, it was necessary and has proven to be beneficial for us in many ways. While we have not yet settled into a new church "home", we have been attending a church about 20 minutes from our home that has been a good fit for us in this season.

We have remained a family on the 'fringes' so to speak, but have still been able to get to know a few individuals and families.  We are encouraged and challenged by the lead pastor's messages each Sunday morning and greatly appreciate his heart for God's mission of advancing His Kingdom in the local region and the world.

Leaving our old church initiated conversations afresh between Lawrence and me and among others on how to "do church". While we pray and read God's Word, talk with each other and trusted friends on this topic, we are also asking questions anew on how to do marriage and parenting as well in a way that honors God and reflects His image.

To help us navigate through these conversations, Lawrence and I began marriage counseling this past fall with a most excellent counselor, Eliza Huie. We are grateful for her grace-filled, biblical insights and input into our relationship. Though it be slow and small and so very inconsistent, we have seen change, maturity, and most of all a more loving and gentle handling of one another as we work through conflict and learn how to communicate with one another. Yes, even after 11 years of married life, three babies and two moves, we are still and just (?) learning how to communicate with one another.

New ways, new patterns are needed. This is evident to us both. Leaving the old ways is oh so hard, and we are still blowing it most of the time.  Ask my family who observed such old ways between Lawrence and me over Christmas vacation. Yuck. But, we are committed to growth, to change, to learning how to love like Christ. I think this is going to be the longest and possibly most painful journey of our lives, but one worth taking.

In addition to a new home, new church, new relationships, I took on a new role as 'tutor' at the homeschool co op with which the kids and I participate, Classical Conversations. While the role of a CC tutor is not the same as that of a typical classroom teacher, it has scratched the "itch" I have to instruct a crowd of more than my own three monkeys. It has required sacrifice on my part to plan for and execute each Monday's classroom time, but one I have gladly embraced (most of the time).

The last bit of "new" for our year was by far the most exciting and worthy of celebration. Lawrence's brother, Sam, married a wonderful, godly woman, Carrie, in September, adding another Tia for our kiddos and sister in law for LA and me.  To boot, they announced at Christmas that they are expecting their first baby in July, 2014. We are all thrilled for another Almengor grandchild/cousin/niece or nephew!!

On my side of the family, there will be another set of twins born in March, 2014 to my brother, Garrett, and his wife, Kristin, who have two boys already.  Who would have guessed two sets of twin grandkids for my parents?! And, my youngest brother, Brandon, proposed to his girlfriend, Brooke, and they are planning a wedding for May, 2014.

So much new! So much change to adjust to. Most of it is welcomed though some of it came via the path of grief and loss.  The dust is still settling, but it will settle. We will adjust. We will embrace it all eventually. We will learn and grow through all these transitions.

I trust 2014 will be a year of laying down tracks that we will be able to run in for years to come. As you think of our family, will you pray for us as we adjust to all the new in our lives? Will you pray that we will be thoughtful, purposeful, and most of all, make much of God in the new patterns, relationships, roles and responsibilities He has brought into our life?

We would love to hear from you, too, on how we can pray for you in 2014. Leave a comment here or email us directly and stay in touch!

Balance

Balance.  

We’d all agree we need it. We’d all agree it’s something to strive for in life.

I wasn’t born for balance. I am wired for extremes it seems.  Swinging from one end of the pendulum to the next is something very familiar to me no matter the context. But, I am making concerted effort at finding balance in my life. The irony of that statement is not lost on me. Note: “concerted effort” connotes extreme.  Even in my trying to find balance, I operate from my tendency toward extremism. I find this comical at best, frustrating, defeating and hopeless at worst.

Since July, the same month we moved into our new home, I have been experiencing a physical hardship that is perplexing to many.  The skin on my eyelids, lips and a small orbital spot on my inner elbow has all been red, itchy, burning at times, flaky at other times, inflamed, swollen and mildly to wildly painful.

I have seen the dermatologist twice, optometrist once, read online forums, and consulted friends and family. I have tried various creams, facial washes along with washing regimens and leaving it alone. I began taking a probiotic and even have applied a stinky oil, called “Neem Oil”. It smells like garlic! I haven’t made out with my husband in months!  L

Could it be allergies? Maybe.  Could it be autoimmune? I think it might. Could it be something in our home and/or property that I’m responding adversely to? Yes, yes it could. Could it be stress manifesting itself in a rather painful, ugly form, declaring to all who set eyes on me, “This woman is way over her head in life and needs H.E.L.P.?” Probably is.

These are all the things I have heard as I've polled the field. And, here's where my mind goes...
I could see an allergist who would likely set up an appointment to do allergy testing. What if that's not conclusive? He may ask me to try elimination diets. What food would I eliminate first and how many do I eliminate before I conclude it's not a food allergy?

I could see an infectious disease doctor or an immunologist who would prescribe his own battery of tests. More appointments. More wait and see.  And, what if it is autoimmune?  I'm not going to hop on prescription medicine before I try a more natural approach via diet and lifestyle changes. And, what might that entail? How long would that take before I would be willing to try prescriptions?

What if it is something in my home that I'm allergic to?  What then? Air purification? Water treatment? Mold remediation? Sell our dream home and move?

My mind is spinning at this point and balance is NOWHERE to be found.
So, stress then is a very likely candidate. Nullifying all the other possibilities? No, but certainly compounding the problem.

Oh, this vicious cycle I can find myself in whenever dealing with unknown health issues or any unknown really.

God has been kind and persevering with me over the years, though, and I think there's been some movement toward a more godly, balanced response to unknowns. It is probably still not my "knee jerk" response, but I'm moving closer.  I push the "stop" button on the thoughts with which I can barely keep up, take a deep breath, and  pray. I affirm that God is in control and I am not, that He loves me and will not withhold His good from me.  I ask Him to reveal JUST the next step to me and provide what I need to take it.

And, then I do all that over again. and again. and again.


**I began pecking out this post a week ago, at a “breaking point” with my eyes. I was hurting so much physically and really having a difficult time persevering with it in my soul. I needed to get typing. It’s a catharsis for me.  I did see my general practitioner this week who thinks what I have going on with my skin is not a systemic issue because it’s so localized and specific. So, he suggested I try one of the creams that had worked temporarily for me before, along with taking fish oil by capsule and using vitamin E oil topically.  After 5 days of this regimen, my skin is feeling and looking much, much better. I’m grateful.

Open House at Montford

We had a delightful open house this past Saturday. The kids, LA's dad and LA all pitched in to help pull things together in our yard and home. My friend, De, shared of her wealth, both in resources and experience to help me bring order and beauty to our day. She gave me the idea for chalk board painting some moving boxes and arranging them around the house for our guests to do self guided tours.  We scoured her barn and garage to come up with our food table, recycle/trash bins, and adirondak chairs scattered throughout our yard.

The morning of our open house, De came with flowers and brownies even though she herself wasn't able to attend! I want to be like De when I "grow up."  She walked my yard, cut some fresh hydrangeas and roses and purposefully placed them around our home. I've learned a lot from her over the years, and I've still got a lot to learn. I was grateful for another opportunity to glean from all her years of extending exemplary hospitality.

LA and I were so grateful to have many friends join us on Saturday, and we're looking forward to many years to come of extending hospitality from this home! Here are a few snapshots from our day: 

"Montford"

The adrenaline I've been running on for the last two weeks, anticipating the closing on our new home which happened today just. ran. out.

A wave of exhaustion has come over me just in time to clean our new place, pack our old place and set up a new home at "Montford".

But, I could not put head to pillow tonight without trying to peck out a few words about how we arrived to this day and this home.

LA and I began a discussion with our realtors more than 5 years ago about moving out of our townhome into a home that could accommodate an in law apartment.  Many possible solutions were discussed, but the time came this past January to shift into high gear and start renovations on our town home with the purpose to sell come early spring.

Our realtors persuaded us to do what we thought was a crazy, crazy thing and that was to put our house on the market before looking for our next home to buy!  What at the time was a crazy philosophy to us proved to be wise advice in the end.

We would now recommend this strategy to anyone wishing to sell one home in order to buy another, especially if you're looking for that "dream" home or one you'd like to live out your days in.

Following our realtors' recommendations for improvements on our town home before placing it on the market brought about immediate interest, many showings and a contract within 10 days of being on the market.  We were thrilled to say the least!

As soon as we hit the market with our town home, we began looking for our "forever" home. Day after day, night after night, I scoured the listings for potential homes to view.  Weekend after weekend and some week days, too, we went out with one of our three (amazing) realtors to see what amounted to 40 homes total!!

About 2/3rds of the way through this process we came upon a home we thought was "it" on "Canterbury Lane."  Doesn't "Canterbury Lane" just sound like a street one would want to live on, almost enchanted?  Well, we were enchanted. Smitten. And, for LA and I both to be in love with the same home is nothing short of a miracle.

One of our realtors, Julie, laughed on more than one occasion as LA and I would walk through homes making exact opposite comments about it. She couldn't get over how opposing our perspectives would be at times.  After 11 years of marriage, I can say we're not surprised by our opposing points of view anymore, but don't find it any easier to deal with now than we did at first.

But, one promise LA and I made to each other at the outset of our home hunt was that we would not settle. We knew that was going to be a tall order, but our hearts were faith filled that God was up for the task.

He did not disappoint.

So back to Canterbury Lane.  This was the first home LA and I both adored and became confident that we wanted to put an offer on it even though it was what I called a bit "wonky."

It met so many of our "non-negotiables." It was at the end of the lane and cul-de-sak. It was a beautiful lot, semi-wooded, flat yard with an over-sized garage with ample room to convert to an in law apartment. BUT, it only had two bedrooms and one full bathroom on the main floor. There were two more bedrooms and another full bathroomin the basement, but because our kids are still young, we wanted all three bedrooms to be on the main level.

And, the house had two front doors. Yes, two front doors. Wonky. No one ever figured that one out. We took a contractor friend out to see the house with us and get his advice on how to configure the main level so as to get a third bedroom out of the space. It appeared doable and feasible for us to do this.

So, we saw the property for a 4th time with our realtor and decided more than confidently that we wanted to put an offer on the house. Long story short, our offer, one of four other offers that all came in on the same weekend after being on the market for a month with no offers previous, was not accepted. We waited two L O N G days to find out that we weren't accepted.

I was sad to say the least. In those two days of waiting, I prayed for my heart's desire. I asked God for the next part of my life to be lived out at Canterbury Lane, and I envisioned specific things for that home.

I mourned a bit, pouted some and took two weeks "off" from looking at homes. One of our realtors, Jess, commented to me later that our little hiatus from house hunting was not typical, and they, our realtor team, were becoming a little nervous that they were going to have to "drag" me back into the search.

But, in that two week time, God provided refreshment and perspective through what some might say the oddest of ways. He was so kind to provide LA and me an opportunity to serve our dear friends, the Neumanns, at the wedding of their daughter, Laura. The wedding was being held on their farm, and God had burdened my hubby's heart long before our house hunt even began to serve them for this momentous occasion in their life.

As the date neared, we wondered if we should have committed an entire Saturday (which actually turned into an entire weekend including the travel to and from my parents in PA where our kiddos stayed so we could serve the day of the wedding) in the midst of trying to find a home.

Well, God goes before us in time as it says in Psalm 139, and we saw His perfect timing for us to have committed to serve this precious family on their important day.

De and Glenn are servants extraordinaire. We have not only been the beneficiaries of their kind, humble and excellent service but have learned so much from watching them serve others. We want "to be like them when we grow up." They are among the hardest workers I know, alongside my own parents, truthfully. And they serve with genuine, exuberant joy. De has made many a hospital trip not just bearable but joy filled for both Judah and me.

When De and Glenn have their hand in any event, one can guarantee it's going to scream of excellence. Their daughter's wedding day was no different than the countless other amazing events they've helped plan and pull off. It was beautiful, stunning, like a fairy tale in many ways. Fresh peony bouquets, candle votives hung on tree limbs, farm tables under a tent, ceremony in the midst of hay field, surprise fireworks and the bride/groom riding off on Glenn's Triumph motorcycle after the sun had well set but sparklers were lighting the way all paled in comparison to one of the most strikingly beautiful parts of the day, and that was the number of De and Glenn's friends and family who came together to make the day happen with such loveliness and flare.

LA and I felt truly honored to play a small, small part in that. It sounds so cliche but it was a heart felt truth for us that day: It truly was better to give than receive. We had a blast. And, through serving our hearts were refreshed.

So, after participating in the loveliness of that day, LA and I shifted into high gear again in search of our home.

At this point, we were about two weeks away from the "deadline" our realtors had given us for finding a home in time so as to not have to move out of our townhome into a rental situation. That deadline was Memorial Day weekend!

So, we put our lists together and went out looking. Nothing the first weekend. We kept scouring the online listings. nothing. or so we thought. On a late Thursday night, likely close to midnight, I was going through the listings again and decided I would look at the pictures of each and every address no matter what.

I came upon "Montford" and looked even though I had passed it up previously, assuming the commute for LA to his office would be too long. When I looked at the pictures, my jaw nearly dropped. It was a beautiful home and property. Motivated, I typed in the address on google maps to see what LA's commute would look like. Without traffic, it would be about what it is now. But, that was without traffic.  Anyone who lives in the Baltimore/DC metro area knows there is no such thing as commuting to and from work "without traffic", not with a 9-5 type job anyway!

Nevertheless, I showed LA the pictures online and the google maps estimation of his potential commute, and he agreed to see it. I quickly shot off the address to my realtor asking her to add it to the list for homes to see over the weekend.

This was Thursday night. The house had just been put on the market the day before, Wednesday. We weren't going to see the home until Saturday. I had a feeling the house was priced to sell, though, and once our realtor, Cindy, saw it, she agreed. She proactively called the seller's agent to let him know that she had clients who were interested in the house and may put an offer on it that weekend.

Thankfully, the sellers were going to wait out the weekend to allow all potential offers to come in. That was Friday of Memorial Day weekend, and apparently there were already three offers on the home!

We didn't get far into the home before our realtor, Cindy, said, "Buy this!" You have to know Cindy to appreciate what I'm going to say about her, especially given the fact that she's a real estate agent. It may be hard to believe, but Cindy just doesn't say that, "Buy this!"  She doesn't. Most of the time. :) She is a gifted real estate agent, very experienced not just in real estate but in life. She is a wise woman who gets to know her clients and advises them individually, according to what she perceives is in line with their needs, wants, skill sets and limitations.

She doesn't tell someone to buy a home unless she really believes the home is a perfect fit for them and is a wise investment overall.  In fact, there were a number of homes I expressed some interest that Cindy "poo poo-ed".  I got over it and forgave her. ;)

Truth be told, Cindy didn't need to tell us to buy the house. We wanted to buy it all on our own with no need of convincing. Whether we COULD buy the house was another story.

You see, with the Canterbury home, we offered what we thought was the top of our price range. And, it was--for that house. I thought it was all we *comfortably* could afford as well, apart from the value of Canterbury. God apparently had something else in mind, however.

We stood in the living room of "Montford", after walking the multitude of pathways throughout the beautifully landscaped and wooded back yard, discussing with Cindy what kind of offer we needed to construct to be chosen among the other 3, possibly more, offers for this home.

Cindy displayed her experience and expertise in constructing our offer. We know that without a doubt and give her kuddos for doing the best job she could do. But, we are also in touch with another reality, one that Cindy subscribes to as well. That reality tells us that while Cindy did an amazing job at putting together a hard to beat offer for us, it was ultimately God who got us this house.

We left not knowing if God would choose this home for us.  This home FAR exceeded the Canterbury Lane home in value, space, amenities, beauty and quality structure. But would this be another disappointment like Canterbury?

We had planned to drive up to my parents in PA early Sunday morning of Memorial Day weekend to spend the rest of the long weekend with my family. I showed my siblings and parents the online pictures of the home, gushed over the possible life this home might grant us in terms of hospitality and ministry, let alone just straight up enjoyment for ourselves. We prayed together and waited.

Our agent told us the sellers would make a decision by Monday, Memorial Day. I was grateful to know that ahead of time, and I was glad we were surrounded by my family so they could be there to either celebrate with us or mourn with us.

I didn't cry until I told my mom and dad. Being able to deliver the good news to my parents in real life, to exchange hugs and see smiles was a sweet gift from God that He just didn't have to give, but did.

After 40 homes, we had found the one that is now ours.

The sellers were wonderfully kind to walk the property with us a few weeks before our settlement. After walking the border of the 4+ acre property with us, explaining all they've done in landscaping and remodeling the home, the wife shared with me that she wanted to see a family in this home. In the end there were 7 (SEVEN) offers for this home, one being a cash offer. But, the cash offer was from an older woman, and the owners really wanted a family to enjoy what they enjoyed with their own three children as they grew up.

This is just a sample of the details which came together providing assurance to LA and me that God truly directed our steps to "Montford".

We are excited to begin this next chapter of our life there, and are eager to have many friends, family and even people we have yet to meet enjoy the gift of this home and property with us.