Go Slow, Let it Go, Anticipate

I love mantras, intentions, a focus. Each month, I spend some time going through the prompts provided by my Cultivate Planner and chose a word or a phrase that will serve to guide me intentionally through the month.
I ask God to set words apart for me that will provide a visual reminder of how He wants me to cooperate with His Spirit and His work in my life for that month. 

Obviously, I cannot know what the month ahead will hold, but I can look at my calendar, think about the season of life I am in and decide how to make the most of it all. 

For this December, I chose the phrase, "Go slow, Let it go, Anticipate."

Christmas can be such a time of frenzy. It can come and go so fast that by January 1st, we wonder what just happened. It can also be heavy with expectations that are hard to meet, demands we place on ourselves and others. 

I've spent too many years getting to December 25 and feeling like I wasted a month. I have stood at Christmas Eve service with my candle lit, unable to truly enter in the solemn anticipation of what we are about to receive in recognizing the coming of Christ because I cannot stop obsessively going through the mental checklist of all I wanted to do, had to do, forgot to do, and still need to do. 

So, for several years now, I have sought to approach December differently than I have in the past, intentionally, purposefully.  I want to come to January 1st knowing that I was not whisked through the whirlwind of shopping, decorating, baking, and all the other typical trappings of Christmas and missed the wonder of it all. 

Go slow
I am task oriented by nature and love efficiency, probably to an idolatrous level. Just this morning, I found myself stirring my emergen-c drink while trying to fill my K-cup with coffee grounds at the same time. I mean, I do have two hands.  Might as well make both of them work at the same time?! Ah...this is my default setting. 

And, then I remembered how I actually want to go through my days: walking not sprinting. I want to go slow.
For me, it means

• doing ONE thing at a time
• walking through my house at a reasonable pace (I am known to move rather quickly from task to task)
• not allowing my brain to shift into its default setting of frenetically thinking through all that needs to be done but rather purposing to be fully present with what is right in front of me.

But, guess what happens when I slow down, am fully present and not rushing through my days?  I don't get to everything I want to get to. 

Laundry piles up. 

Floors remain crumby. 

Leaves continue to blanket my yard. 

I miss a lot of deals on stuff we might want to buy for ourselves or others. 

There is not a ubiquitous supply of cookies and fudge in my house throughout December and so on and so on. 

Hence, the second part of my guiding mantra for December, "Let it go."

Let go of my endless expectations to make it all perfect.
Let go of the expectations others may have of me to show up, give the best gift, give a gift at all.
Let go of the expectations the culture around me that tells me there is a specific and comprehensive way to "do Christmas right."  It just ain't so. 

Let go of the fear of letting my kids down.  (Maybe the hardest one for me. Am I right, mommas?)

As I go slow and let it go, it makes room for me to anticipate, and this, for me is what December is really all about. Or, at least for me, this is what I want the month of December to be all about. 

A few ways I anticipate the coming of Christ.

• Choose an advent book or plan to go through by myself and one I go through with my family. This year, I am using a book I found at a used bookstore, a total gamble of a purchase and a departure in style and content from many of the advent books I have used in the past, but one I am excited about nonetheless. It's called, "Simply Wait: Cultivating Stillness in the Season of Advent" by Pamela C. Hawkins.
  
  For my family, I am using a free online study I received in my inbox from Study Gateway. It is a "Case for Christmas" written by Lee Strobel.  This was a timely study for our family this year, so we are jumping in each week watching the videos and spending just a brief time in discussion.
  

A plethora of advent material exists. Do just a quick search on Amazon, and you will find a host of products, books and materials to choose from.

A few of my favorite over the years are:
Ann Voskamp's, "The Greatest Gift."  She has a book for adults and separate ones for you to use with your children. 

Russ Ramsey's "Behold the Lamb of God: An Advent Narrative."

Sally Lloyd Jones's "Jesus Storybook Bible" and advent plan.

When my children were preschoolers, I simply looked up "Free printable advent coloring pages," found something I loved and printed them.  I had the kids color them, and we hung them on a long piece of twine in our basement as a fun visual for them to add up the days to Christ's coming.

• Light it up!  My husband and I are big fans of light: natural light, candlelight, LED light, etc. Christmas is the perfect time of year to confront the ever-darkening days of winter with lights of every kind. We light our Christmas tree, wrap stringed lights around our floor lamp poles, weave lights through our pine garland, and set candles wherever there may be any shadows.
  
  Each morning, I amble down the dark hallway with the glee of knowing I get to turn on all the lights. I used to wait until the evening came, but I am finding this year, I want to enjoy the lights all day long.
  
  I try to pass on the spirit of anticipation and glee by giving special permission to my youngest to light the candles.  Kids love playing with fire, and this builds an atmosphere that something special is happening.

Over the years, there have been other ways I have built anticipation into our daily December rhythms such as putting an empty manger (think shoe box with straw inside) under the Christmas tree. On Christmas morning, "baby Jesus" shows up in the manger (think whatever baby doll I can find lying around the house, usually one that had no clothing on it...which, come to think of it, is probably rather accurate.)  

I have a nativity set with a manger and baby Jesus that is separate. So, I hide that baby Jesus as well; He comes out on Christmas morning to take His place of 'honor.'  

I have visual "cues" around the house to foster a spirit of anticipation such as scrabble pieces that spell out "We Wait" on my kitchen window sill above where I wash dishes daily, the word, "Adore" decoratively hanging from a birch peg log my parents gifted me years ago, nativity sets from all around the world providing the bulk of our Christmas decor in the main living areas of our home, and framed Christmas cards that speak of the Christ to come. 

These are just a few ways I have sought to cultivate a spirit of anticipation in my home. I know many of you could come up with many more and creative ways to do similar. And, I would love to hear about them in the comments. 

If you love the hustle and bustle, and the frenetic pace most people get caught up in this time of year gives you a buzz, then go for it. It's your jam and your way of making the most of this season.  For me, however, I will choose to go slow, let it go and anticipate. 

January

gloomy, gray days
when will the fog lift?
for an ice storm?
into a bank one drifts

illness after illness
squeeze life and laundry
into the cracks
between runs for antibiotics

fill the diffusers
pump the fluids
wash hands
daily probiotics

make bone broth
take immune boosters
lots of vitamin C
and hand sanitizer

cover your mouth
don't share food
wonder why one well sibling
is in school

wafts of lysol
drinks of ACV or hard liqor
to tighten up
a loose stomach

postponed plans with friends
finally cancelled 'til spring
sickness circulates
keeping track of meds

rest
hot tea
blankets
lots of TV

This is January.

Sunday Night Summary, August 30, 2015

Reading: A friend (thank you, Jen Fisher) allowed me to borrow her copy of Jen Hatmaker's "For the Love," and I am so glad she did. This book. This woman. I love it and her. I love the journey God has taken her on in discovering how to truly love Him and people well. I love that she is not only willing but also incredibly gifted in telling the story of her journey and all that she has learned along the way. In her early 40's, Jen Hatmaker has a wealth of wisdom mixed with a lot of humor to offer in her latest release, "For the Love."

From blog world this week, I read this post by Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience, the heart of which has been challenging me significantly, causing me to ask myself, "How am I really living out the good news that Jesus is and declared through His life, death and resurrection to ALL people, those inside and outside the church?"

Make time to read this all important, incredibly relevant post of Ann Voskamp's. Let this paragraph whet your appetite for the entire post:

When we are against abortion but are for the cutting of social safety nets, when our political agendas are loud but our daily schedules are pretty quiet about serving people different than us, when we get up on our soapboxes about morality but don’t get out of our comfortable boxes to make real friends with those who live a different lifestyle —— we look like we’re more about pro-birth than we are pro-life, we look like we’re more about self-preservation than community transformation, we look like we’re more about judgement than Jesus.

The life of Jesus would radically suggest: The most conservative in theology, should be the most liberal in loving.
The life of Jesus would radically suggest: Don’t advertise your beautiful faith without advertising your broken-down faults — because those broken-down faults are the exact reason why you need your beautiful faith.

Both Jen Hatmaker and Ann Voskamp, in their vastly different yet uniquely beautiful writing and speaking, articulate so many things for which my heart beats loud and hard. These women use strong words and better words than I seem to be able to put together to communicate so much that rings true for me in the walking out of my faith. I am grateful for their diligent pursuit of the gifts God's deposited in them and sacrifices they have made to see those gifts enjoyed and benefited from by others, far and wide. 

Eating: I scored a glut of re-fried black beans at BB's several weeks ago, and have been making a layered taco dip with them that has been a huge hit at several summer gatherings we've had to bring a food dish to.
Here is the ever so easy to put together layered dip, a spin on the traditional taco dip.

1 can re-fried black beans 
Sour Cream or Greek Yogurt (your choice; I use greek yogurt)
Guacamole (homemade or store bought, your choice)
Salsa (same as above)
Shredded Cheddar or mozzarella cheese 

Simply layer the above ingredients and serve with your favorite tortilla chips. It's delicious!

Running out of quick breakfast options this past week, I had to resort to making an overnight french toast. Pioneer Woman's recipes never fail me. I looked up an overnight french toast recipe from her, and I was again pleased. Try it. You won't regret it. http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/cinnamon-baked-french-toast/

Doing: Many returned to school this past week, and so did we. Though, I have learned over the last 5 years of doing this home school gig that a gentle easing back into school goes much better for us than jumping into a full schedule from Day 1. As such, I begin a little earlier than some of my com padres and affectionately call it our "Soft start."

We only took on about half our subjects this week and even then, only completed four school days out of the five. Midweek we took the day off for one final girls' day for Bella at a friend's house who lives right on the waters of the Chesapeake Bay.

My friend, Jill, has gathered Bella along with a handful of other girls Bella's age at her house several times this summer and throughout last spring to spend time with the girls and teach them all things domestic arts related. 

This last girls' day, Jill's focus was spending time with God. Jill graciously allowed me to lead a small time of teaching the girls from what I have learned over my life time about developing, sustaining and strengthening one's relationship with God through Bible reading, prayer and journaling. 

I have to say these are the kinds of opportunities that absolutely make me feel so alive and purpose driven. I love talking about my relationship with God. I love teaching others, especially girls and women, about spiritual things. It was by far one of the highlights of my week, especially the time we had with the girls, talking about what they did and/or learned after they practiced some of the things I taught them. 

We had several doctors' appointments this week. Do I say that a lot? I feel like I say that a lot. sigh. The kids and I all had dental appointments. The kids managed no cavities for which I gave much thanks. I, however, did not fare so well. 

I am telling you, I am the most ardent brusher/flosser in this family, and I always end up the one having the most dental procedures. sigh again. In the midst of scheduling two different teeth extractions, I now have to get a filling to boot. Seriously?  I am ready to have them yank all my teeth and fill my mouth with dentures. I'd have a new party trick at least. 

We enjoyed a more fall-ish feeling week weather wise, and are beginning to see other signs of fall like dried, brown leaves already coating our yard and spiders spinning some rather impressive webs right outside our windows at night. 

The kids and I enjoyed one final "Fun Friday," with some of our home school buds again at our friend, Jill's house. Jumping off her pier, playing "King of the Inter-tube," and eating take out pizza was a great way to celebrate the end of summer and our first week of school simultaneously.

I had my own unintended celebration, winning at my neighborhood Bunco that night. Woot!

I put in just under 10 miles this week running, less than I want but more than nothing. And all my runs were under a 9 minute/mile pace for which I am thrilled. I am just grateful to be out there. 

Oddly enough, one of my favorite things to do all month is my big grocery shop at a discount store 50 minutes from my house. I wake up at 6:30 a.m. on the first Saturday of the month typically, am on the road by 7 a.m. and arrive to BB's as they are opening their doors at 8 a.m. I spend 4 hours grocery shopping and love every second of it, except for maybe the 120 seconds I spend in the deep freezer. That's not as much fun.  But, this grocery store fills my freezers, fridge and pantry for about a quarter of the cost of shopping at any of my local grocery stores. It is so worth the time and trip in this season of my life. And, I get a solid 6 hours all by myself. I catch up on podcasts I want to listen to. I sit in sheer silence and breathe a little deeper. I pray. I love it. 

Saturday afternoon, I attended a baby shower my church hosted for the Greater Baltimore Center for Pregnancy Concerns.  I had never been to a baby shower like it, and was so grateful for the ways in which my church seeks to play a role in a number of ministries reaching out to and meeting the needs of communities outside its own reach.

Along those lines, as a family we attended a special evening potluck and service at our church tonight that gave attention to the various international missions folks from our church have been on and/or are still a part of. My soul was lifted and enlarged to hear about the activity of God and the unity of His Spirit across the world, specifically in the Dominican Republic, Guatemala, Scotland, Sudan and Russia.

Looking Ahead: I gotta say that I am fighting to look at the week ahead with a cheerful outlook. The heavy circumstances of various friends and family are weighing on my heart tonight in addition to my own little family's needs for this week ahead.

Our truck barely got us home tonight, dash lights indicating several things, more things than we already knew about, needing our attention. So, we need to get that taken care of. 

I am scheduled for my first tooth extraction on Wednesday. I cannot tell you how much I am not looking forward to this. The thing I keep consoling myself with is the thought that maybe, just maybe, I might lose a pound or two due to not being able to eat solids for some time while I heal.

And, hey, because this is how we roll around here...why don't we just end this banner week with a laser treatment for Judah. Friday afternoon, we would love your thoughts and prayers. 

Sunday Night Summary, August 9, 2015

Reading: I'm nearing the end of "Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe," and am convinced I would be well served to read other books written by the co-authors of this one--the newly released book, "Longing for Paris" by Sarah Mae along with Sally Clarkson's "Own Your Life."

My biggest take away from "Desperate" has been to see the details of my life as unique and moreso, the "formula" needed to thrive as a wife and mother as unique as well. I have a tendency to look at the lives of others who I esteem or judge as thriving in their roles of wife and mother and try to imitate aspects of what I see them doing, thinking that doing so will make me thrive.  Only, it doesn't work, and then I become frustrated, defeated, confused and can even despair.  

What this book is helping me to see and embrace, with the help of the Holy Spirit, is that who I am, who my husband is, who each of my children are all add up to a unique situation here with a unique mixture of temperaments and needs, preferences, desires, goals and ways of achieving those goals.

It requires me to slow down long enough to observe MY family, to listen and pray, to try things that may seem counter intuitive, to release my expectations on how to parent and what the outcomes may be of such parenting, and to adjust routines, priorities, and expectations in order to achieve the right mix of activity, rest, productivity and consumption our family needs to thrive to the best of its ability. 

Specifically, I am seeing increasingly how little I can actually give of my time, attention and resources to things and people outside my little family. When I say "little," I have to clarify that my idea of "little" is probably someone else's "a lot."  By nature, I am an ambitious person who all too often wants to be the answer to all the problems, meet all the needs of all the people everywhere, world round. I want to participate in all the ministries and start some new ones. I want to read all the books, watch all the documentaries, sign all the petitions, march in all the crusades...You get the idea. I kind of can't do that and serve my family well.
I know. I shouldn't have to read a book and be 11 years into this mothering thing before I figured that out. 

Nevertheless, there has been some grieving involved in this for me, but as I am cutting things out and saying no to opportunities, I am experiencing greater peace in my own heart, mind and soul which translates to a more peaceful home in general.  This is good. 

Eating: The kids were at something called "Action Camp" which is similar to VBS, only it's in the evening, and they are served dinner. Win for me on dinner prep. this week! 

I made a 7 layer salad at the start of the week and ate that pretty much all week long. Lawrence and I were able to catch dinner out, sans kids, Monday evening with a gift card to Friday's. Yay for gift cards. But, I gotta say; I'm sick of Friday's.

We typically have family pizza/movie night on Friday night each week. This week, it happened on Saturday, however, as Action Camp had their own family night to end the week.  

I have made a pizza twice now that LA and I have so enjoyed, he told me I should name it after he found out I made it up. So, here it is if you care to try it yourself.

Pizza Crust (I love the Earth's Pride brand I can buy at BJ's)
Jalapeno and Cilantro Monterey Jack Cheese (not something that is easy to find, but well worth it if you can find it!)
Cream Cheese or Greek Yogurt (your pick; both work well)
red onion
colored peppers
zucchini (optional)
mushrooms (optional)
bacon
mozzarella cheese, shredded

I like to pre-bake the crust at 475 for a few minutes to allow it to get a bit crusty, not crisp, just crusty. 

I mix the jalapeno/cilantro cheese with cream cheese or greek yogurt, equal parts, to make like a cheese 'paste.'  This will be the "sauce" for your pizza. 

You can pan fry or oven bake your bacon, whichever method you prefer. I used both regular bacon and turkey bacon for this, and both tasted great. So, do what is right for you.

I sauteed the red onion, peppers, zukes and shrooms, adding them to the saute pan in that order. The onions need a little more time to saute to the point of caramelizing. I also prefer my zukes and shrooms to not get too mushy. So, I throw them in later in the sauteing process.

To assemble pizza, spread the cheese 'paste' onto the crust. Pile on the sauteed veggies. Break up bacon pieces on top of veggies. Finally, sprinkle mozzarella cheese on top to bind all that veggie/bacon goodness together. Yum!

Doing: 
It felt like a slower paced week for us.
The kids attended Action Camp in the evenings, though Tucker had to miss two days for running random, low grade fevers for a day and a half. They were so out of the blue with no other symptoms, but I have my own theory about this.

We were two days without the Pilot again this week which meant hitching a ride to musical practice on Monday and otherwise being home bound for Monday and Tuesday.  

Plans I had for the boys to participate in a Minecraft Mania event at one of our local libraries on Tuesday were cancelled, and a swimming get together scheduled for Wednesday was also cancelled for a variety of reasons. 

Tucker's fever prevented us from getting together with friends who wanted to drop in on Thursday and also a scheduled creek play day at our house with friends on Friday. 

A lot of cancelled plans for the boys' "Week of Birthday," which is typically hugely disappointing for all of us, but I wonder if my kids, along with me,  have been needing some down time, some space, quiet, rest, even boredom to get a grip on our relating with each other and seeing how much having no plans can afford us within our home and with each other. 

The boys and I pulled out a game they received for Christmas and finally learned how to play, Settlers of Catan. We set the board up on Monday and played a little each day.
I played cards with Bella several times. 

I was on top of my laundry, even managing to fold it and put it away all week long!  I spoke with my sister, sister-in-law and mom on the phone, something I just do not make time to do typically. I read. We swam. I napped. 

I even managed to log close to 14 miles this week in my running shoes. My goal has been 13. 

Surprisingly, I enjoyed the semi-secluded life this week, aspects of it anyway. With the increased focus and peace, however, came some unsettling temptations for me personally. 

Having to cancel plans or just not have many in place this week, I realized that I often initiate with others for the fear that I will be forgotten otherwise.
Hard to admit that, but it's true.

God has definitely been putting His finger on that in my life lately--this fear of being forgotten or left out. I know I am not alone. FOMO is a "thing" I didn't create but apparently "suffer" from. 

Thursday night, I attended a parenting course, called "Trust Based Parenting," LA and I are going through with some friends of ours. The sessions we watched and discussed this week were immediately applied and benefited from in our home and parenting.  

Though not always easy to implement, they are simple changes really.  Get down on eye level with your child. Give eye contact and request eye contact from your child. Use a soft tone of voice and gentle touches.  It may not sound all that profound, but the affects have been profound!

Too often, I am barking orders from another room in the house. I am breaking up fights happening in the basement while I continue to cook in the kitchen. I am "listening" to my son tell me all about his Lego creation while I scroll my Instagram feed. This can work for some kids and even my kids some of the time. But, what I am communicating to my children through my body language is that they are not enough of a priority in that moment to go to them, to give them eye contact and my full attention and patience.

Today, I tried another way, this method of parenting, with one of my children who absolutely lost control of herself in the car ride home from church. She (I guess you can tell who I'm talking about, huh, using "she"?) screamed at the top of her lungs over and over and banged on the window because she missed seeing a roadside attraction we occasionally drive by on our way to and from church.
Totally inappropriate behavior for a 8.5 year old. Absolutely disproportionate response for the circumstance.

Typically, I may have yelled, or tried to yell over top of my daughter to tell her to NOT SCREAM at something like that. Or, I would let her know that she would be receiving some form of discipline at home for the way she just over reacted.

Today, I remained quiet and calm. I asked LA to pull the car over. When he did, I calmly unbuckled my seat belt, turned around in my seat to look directly at my daughter. She covered her mouth as though I was about to flick her for screaming, another thing I have sadly done in the past. In a calm tone of voice, I simply told her that I understood it was disappointing to not have seen "the lady" but that her screaming was not appropriate, and she was not demonstrating the self control she should for that circumstance.
That's it.

She acknowledged and affirmed what I said.
I asked her to apologize to everyone in the car for screaming and ask for forgiveness for not having self control.
She did. And, that was that. Done.
No screaming match, no escalating behaviors from any of us. No further correction or punishment needed. 

If I allow pride to reign in my heart, I can be embarrassed to admit that I am applying these kinds of good parenting procedures as a result of watching this course's videos when in reality so much of what I am doing is just obeying what God has told us to do all along...Love is PATIENT, KIND, GENTLE, NOT RUDE OR SELFISH. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. 
Yeah, apparently that makes for good parenting, too.

Friday night, we all enjoyed the end of Action Camp Family Night at Christ Fellowship Church. Free Chic Fil-A dinner, Kona Ices, inflatable bouncy and water Slides, face painting and tug of war. 

Saturday is typically a work day for us here at Montford. We mowed, weeded, had some intensive bathroom cleaning training and prepared our home to host LA's family today for our monthly Sunday Family lunch.  We ended our work day with a dip at our friends' pool who so generously allow us use of their glorious pool and property. It is a little taste of Heaven at MistyGlen Farm, and we are always so blessed to spend some time there. Lucky for us, they are just five minutes' drive from our house.

Today, we celebrated the boys' 11th birthday with LA's family. I can really, hardly believe they are 11. I am loving, though, watching them grow independent, more responsible and articulate.  We enjoyed one of their favorites, macaroni and cheese, along with meatball sandwiches, sauteed green beans, and black bean taco dip. For dessert, Judah had a chocolate ice cream cake, and Tucker savored one of his favorites, lemon meringue pie. 

Looking ahead: 
We will be working on Bella taking her new medication. It's a capsule, and she wasn't having it. We tried tonight very unsuccessfully. We are taking a step back and practicing with smaller pieces of candy. Hopefully, she'll be taking her new medicine like a champ this time next week.
Also on the health front, Judah will have a follow up with his eye surgeon.
I am looking forward to running a 5K at a local vineyard next Sunday night, Boordy Vineyard. Running and wine--two of my favorites together. Awesome!

If you haven't had your daily dose of caffeine, you may want to grab that cup of coffee or sweet tea before you read this. In fact, you may not really want to read this at all because I am finding myself most wanting to write on days that I feel tired, defeated, discouraged, confused or frustrated. I don't only write when in that frame of mind, but I definitely do write when in that frame of mind. It must be some sort of release valve for me. So, as with so many of my posts, this one is more for me than anyone else.

I've been trying to establish a new routine of putting myself to bed by 11 pm and waking consistently by 7 am each morning. I know for some 7 am would be a dream as your morning comes much earlier. For a long time, I would have felt guilty that I have to make an effort to wake up by 7 am knowing that in the vast majority of 30 something year olds' lives, 7 am would be considered sleeping in. I no longer feel like a slug about this. I am seeking to live unapologetically a life that pleases God which, for me, includes waking up when I do. for now. And, obviously by having to write an entire paragraph about this, I am clearly walking in absolute freedom about this fact. Or NOT.  HA!

ANYWAY, I didn't wake up at 7 this morning because I was up past midnight enjoying my hubby's company on our first "in house date night."  Given our children, at ages 9 and 6, still do not seem to grasp the meaning of "GO TO BED," they are put to bed close to ten times or more before they actually STAY in their room.  Falling asleep does not happen until around 10 pm, and that is on nights we mandate they turn their lights out, stop reading, playing legos and/or talking!  So, LA and I do not really relax until they are asleep.

Parents of teens, I am so sorry. When must you ever get to spend time together?  I know harder days are ahead, and you are just laughing at me right now, not feeling the slightest bit sorry for me.  It's ok. I know I'm pathetic.

I did wake up before 8 am, which was good because we had agreed to meet friends at Chic-Fil-A by 8:30 am for their promotional free breakfast this week.  Morning chores were not entirely accomplished before we had to head out, but we were at least all dressed.

Arriving to Chic-Fil-A first among our small group of friends, I ordered our free breakfast, a bagel for each of us, and had a jump on my kids eating before friends arrive. For my children, socializing takes priority over eating any day. I suppose the apple does not fall far from the tree on this one. Although, I have to say that as I age, I think I am beginning to turn the corner on this one and may just enjoy eating more than socializing much of the time, which may explain the extra 10 pounds I have amassed over this past year. Unfortunate true story.

First to arrive, first to leave. I told the kids we would have a limited amount of time for breakfast and playtime with friends because we had to have a focused effort at school today given we had a dentist appointment after lunch to scramble to and errands to run after that. Giving them the heads' up was a good move; grumbling was minimal and I don't believe any tears were shed or threats made. Success.

Walking in my house, however, at 9:30, to see the pencil, paper, sweatshirt on the floor, legos on my console (my spot of beauty that is NOT to be adulterated by the kids' stuff), random pencil on the bench in the kitchen, empty baggies on the counter, just STUFF strewn here and there, a little bit in a lot of places...sent me to a place of angst and anxiety. Immediately, my blood started flowing a little faster and my mind was racing.  What do I attack first?  

I knew I had to keep the kids on a short leash and get them started on school, but I also want them to grow in picking up after themselves, in seeing the little trails they leave behind them everywhere they go. I kind of freaked out a little bit. I basically asked my kids to bow to my idol of order by saying, "Mommy cannot think straight with all this stuff strewn all over the place. My house feels a little cluttered, so my mind is feeling a little overwhelmed. Can we take 2 minutes, move as fast as we can to get all these little things put back into their homes?"

My children have heard this oh, once or twice. They knew what to do. We all sprang into action, took a little more than 2 minutes, and had a "fresh palette" from which to work.

Deep breath. I truncated our typical morning school routines by omitting our bible story but not neglecting prayer. We needed to pray. We always need to pray here. I could tell it was going to be an uphill kind of day. Kids had presentations to work on, challenging writing and grammar work this week and a Math test that may or may have not gone so well. I didn't know for sure because I still had to grade it.

I set the kids to work on research for their presentations on a famous artist. Tucker and Bella worked together on Carl Linnaeus; Judah read about Rembrandt.  I graded the boys' math tests. One boy did great on  his test; one did not do so great. Many errors, about half the test, prompted a little conversation with said boy about reading the problems before jumping into calculations.  On top of all else he had to accomplish in our shortened school day, he also now had to re-take his test.

After about 45 minutes, two of the three were pretty much finished with their presentations. One was still writing, writing, writing about his artist, watching videos, looking at pictures, tediously putting together his presentation for co op next Monday.  While I love to see my children really pore over information or give themselves to a project, I often feel a tension with the time it takes to go deep when I feel we have to go wide in this season of education. It's a tricky balance to find as a homeschool mom.

There is so much more that took place within those 3 short hours of school today, but I am already tired of rehashing every last detail of this painfully, long day.

Broad strokes include a tedious time teaching Bella about graphs in Math, helping her through words like "picturesque" and "clique" (hello, she's in first grade already!) in Reading, waiting for her to figure out that she wrote her "p" backward in the sentence I dictated to her (I think it took more than 10 minutes and I finally just told her that it was written backward), and correcting her poetry recitation when she missed the small, insignificant-to-me-but-not-to-poetry-memorization words like "the" and "but."  Nevermind the umpteen times I had to "check in" with the boys to make sure that all that ruckus I heard from my bedroom where I was reading with Bella was really them quizzing each other on their Grammar charts.

Oh my dear Lord, by lunch time I really wanted to quit the day, go for a run, hide in a corner and eat chocolate chips.  I was so spent by our 3 hours of "hurry up and get school finished", and I still had to get through lunch, dentist appointments, grocery shopping and dinner before I could come up for air.

I could go on to write about lunch with my children, who for whatever reason just do not like to eat when it's meal time; they do not like to sit still and eat a meal that is put before them. They take 4 bites and feel like their tummy is going to explode. I kid you not. I am trying to keep them from eating snacks in between meals, but they still balk about eating "a lot" in one sitting. By a lot I mean a full sandwich, 5 carrot sticks and a chocolate chip cookie. That was today's lunch. I had one who ate the carrots and cookie and left his entire sandwich but for one bite.  Whatever. I had to get them to the dentist. I didn't have time to fight today.

The dentist was probably the best time we had all day, ironically enough. No cavities; the hygienist and dentist were efficient and gentle, and Bella placed her own x-ray slide in her mouth for the x-ray technician, thoroughly impressing all the staff. Yup, that's my fiercely, independent, "Do not help me" girl!

3:00 pm. I have been going for 7 hours at this point, juggling the needs and demands of my three kids, working through conflicts with them, taking care of the physical needs that home management requires--all while giving cursory attention to the tens of thoughts, ideas, and questions running through my own mind each minute. If you have ever spent some time with me or my children, you know we really like to talk.  We have the capacity to talk a mile a minute. And, while that is true, what is even more true is that our minds go at even greater speeds. My.mind.never.shuts.up!  Unless I am hiking or watching 'my birds.' Thank you, Jesus, for my bird feeders and the woods that I now call "home."

So, I am about an hour into this post, and I have made myself even more tired than I was when I started.
What was the point again?
I think it was this.

There were so many moments in my day today when I heard a myriad of statements in my head:
I cannot do this. 
I am so tired. 
Why am I a mom? 
Why do I homeschool my children? 
We need to be a part from one another more often. 
I just have to make it to 5:30 when LA takes them to Tae Chuan Do tonight. They ARE going to Tae Chuan Do tonight no matter what.  
Just do the next thing. 
You can make it. 
I cannot lift my arms, I feel that exhausted.

And at one point--I think it was when I was finally driving home after running our grocery store/bank errands--I thought, "Wow, I haven't felt this way for a while."

Today reminded me of a season when my children were younger and I felt like this every.single.day.  And, when I was there, I thought I had been there from the time my kids were born and that I was never going to feel any different about motherhood and being at home full time with my kids. But, today, in the midst of feeling this way again, I was reminded that I don't feel this way all the time. I did come out of that "fog" of sorts. It did not last forever.

Motherhood is still really hard for me. It still feels like I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I do question my choice to be at home full time and homeschool my children most days.  But, something HAS changed. I HAVE grown in stamina for these long days. My thresholds for mess, chaos, noise and ongoing refereeing of youthful conflicts HAVE increased.  I am giving of my time, talents and emotional capacity more readily, more second nature.  The need still outweighs my capacity. I still am crying out to Jesus in desperation much of my day. But, I have grown. Jesus has grown me. The daily sacrifice of "doing the next thing" has brought about change and growth in my life and heart.

I love fitness, so I liken this to doing a new exercise routine of any kind. Let's take push ups for an example. If you have never done push ups, your first goal is just to do ONE push up in right form. So, you do that ONE push up in correct form everyday for a week or more. Eventually, with consistency, one push up becomes easy, too easy. You decide to try for five push ups. Again, giving it consistency and time, you find yourself capable of doing five push ups without breaking a sweat. You move onto ten, then twenty. Some people can do 100 push ups. That is not you.  But, you are also not the person who isn't able to do push ups at all. You can do 20 now because of consistency and time.

So, all this for the "take away."  If you are a new mom or just new at something, any new 'role', you may feel awkward and weak and sure that you will always feel this way.  But, you won't. You will grow; it will change. Give it time. Give it consistent effort, consistently doing the next thing, consistently laying your heart and hands before the Lord, asking Him to establish you, establish the work of your hands, establish your heart in steadfastness, faithfulness and love for what HE has called you to. And, at some point in time, imperceptibly, things will change. And, you will have a hard day, a day like mine, when you feel like you do now. Only it will be an out of place feeling because you will have moved on from that emotional place you are in now. And, it will remind you of how far you have come, how far God has brought you.

Because I must remember

We were informed today about a national competition through Classical Conversations called the "National Number Knockout." You can learn more about it here:  https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/880708408/national-number-knockout

The grand prize is $10, 000!

My son, Tucker, upon pondering the potential of winning this grand prize declared to me that he would buy a snack machine and an escalator with the money after he gave a portion to the church.

Dating

Judah asked me tonight where LA took me when we were dating.

Judah: "Where did Papi take you when you guys went out on dates?"

Me: "Starbucks, to the park or the mall.  We would sit outside a lot and talk."

Judah: "Where should I take my dates?

Me: "Here!"

Judah: "Or to Friday's or Bonefish Grille?" 

Lemon Chicken Soup

My mom served this soup to us over Christmas vacation which proved to be timely as all of my kiddos and my husband have come down with some kind of respiratory virus in the past week. It is kicking their little behinds. I made the soup twice this week! I think the first to get sick may be on the mend given his complaining tonight at dinner, "All we have eaten this week is soup, soup, soup."

Here is the original recipe with a few of my additions:

2 Tablespoons of olive oil
1 large onion, chopped
2 large garlic cloves, finely chopped
1/2-3/4  teaspoon of pureed ginger (or you can grate some fresh ginger which would be even better!)
2 carrots, diced
2 stalks of celery, diced
1/2 large red pepper, finely chopped
8 cups chicken broth
2 cups bow tie pasta
2 cups chicken, cooked and diced or shredded
2 Tablespoons fresh lemon juice
2 tsp. lemon zest
4 cups of fresh baby spinach

Sautee onion in olive oil for about 4 minutes. Add garlic and ginger and sautee for an additional minute. Add carrots, celery, and red pepper. Sautee vegetables until crisp-tender.  Add chicken broth and bring to boil. Turn heat down and simmer for about 20 minutes with lid on top. Add bow tie pasta, chicken, fresh lemon juice, lemon zest, and spinach.  Allow to simmer until noodles are al dente and spinach is bright green.  Salt and pepper to taste.

2013, the year of "NEW"

2013 was a year of change, transitions and lots of "new" in our life.

One of the biggest changes was the purchase of our new home at the end of June. We have been blessed beyond our expectations and dreams with this new home. Lawrence and I still recall some of the 40 homes we considered and even put offers on and pinch ourselves that God made a way for us to buy the one we did.

Along with the joys of our new home has come more responsibility and a lot to learn. We are still figuring out how to take care of our property and our home's interior needs. We are super grateful for friends and family who are more knowledgeable and skillful than we are and are willing to offer that to us as we need it.

Purchasing our new home led to new routines, including my exercise regimen. It may sound trivial, but our membership to the Y was crucial for my overall well being for the last 4+ years. Having to drop that membership, I had to figure out how and what to do in order to keep my mind and body in shape.

I have long loved to run, but with my chronic back issues, I gave it up for good, or so I thought, six years ago.  In God's kindness, I have been under the care of a chiropractor for the last three years who has brought significant improvement and relief in my back. I have been pain free for the majority of the time I have been treated by him. So, I thought I would give running a try again.  Lo and behold, in the last six months, I have surprised myself by reaching 5 mile runs with comfort.

Running has opened the door for relationship with one of our neighbors, Kim, and I have enjoyed taking several runs with her in the last several months.  She has three boys: a set of twins who are my boys' age and  her oldest who is 11.  Soon after we moved into our home, Kim and I enjoyed several afternoons talking while our kids played well together.

Once settled a bit, we began to reach out to other neighbors and discovered several, wonderfully friendly families in our neighborhood who appear to want to build community with each other. Lawrence and I are very excited about the potential opportunities for this.

New relationships abounded in 2013 for us. After 13 years at our church, we left for a variety of reasons. Though not an easy decision, it was necessary and has proven to be beneficial for us in many ways. While we have not yet settled into a new church "home", we have been attending a church about 20 minutes from our home that has been a good fit for us in this season.

We have remained a family on the 'fringes' so to speak, but have still been able to get to know a few individuals and families.  We are encouraged and challenged by the lead pastor's messages each Sunday morning and greatly appreciate his heart for God's mission of advancing His Kingdom in the local region and the world.

Leaving our old church initiated conversations afresh between Lawrence and me and among others on how to "do church". While we pray and read God's Word, talk with each other and trusted friends on this topic, we are also asking questions anew on how to do marriage and parenting as well in a way that honors God and reflects His image.

To help us navigate through these conversations, Lawrence and I began marriage counseling this past fall with a most excellent counselor, Eliza Huie. We are grateful for her grace-filled, biblical insights and input into our relationship. Though it be slow and small and so very inconsistent, we have seen change, maturity, and most of all a more loving and gentle handling of one another as we work through conflict and learn how to communicate with one another. Yes, even after 11 years of married life, three babies and two moves, we are still and just (?) learning how to communicate with one another.

New ways, new patterns are needed. This is evident to us both. Leaving the old ways is oh so hard, and we are still blowing it most of the time.  Ask my family who observed such old ways between Lawrence and me over Christmas vacation. Yuck. But, we are committed to growth, to change, to learning how to love like Christ. I think this is going to be the longest and possibly most painful journey of our lives, but one worth taking.

In addition to a new home, new church, new relationships, I took on a new role as 'tutor' at the homeschool co op with which the kids and I participate, Classical Conversations. While the role of a CC tutor is not the same as that of a typical classroom teacher, it has scratched the "itch" I have to instruct a crowd of more than my own three monkeys. It has required sacrifice on my part to plan for and execute each Monday's classroom time, but one I have gladly embraced (most of the time).

The last bit of "new" for our year was by far the most exciting and worthy of celebration. Lawrence's brother, Sam, married a wonderful, godly woman, Carrie, in September, adding another Tia for our kiddos and sister in law for LA and me.  To boot, they announced at Christmas that they are expecting their first baby in July, 2014. We are all thrilled for another Almengor grandchild/cousin/niece or nephew!!

On my side of the family, there will be another set of twins born in March, 2014 to my brother, Garrett, and his wife, Kristin, who have two boys already.  Who would have guessed two sets of twin grandkids for my parents?! And, my youngest brother, Brandon, proposed to his girlfriend, Brooke, and they are planning a wedding for May, 2014.

So much new! So much change to adjust to. Most of it is welcomed though some of it came via the path of grief and loss.  The dust is still settling, but it will settle. We will adjust. We will embrace it all eventually. We will learn and grow through all these transitions.

I trust 2014 will be a year of laying down tracks that we will be able to run in for years to come. As you think of our family, will you pray for us as we adjust to all the new in our lives? Will you pray that we will be thoughtful, purposeful, and most of all, make much of God in the new patterns, relationships, roles and responsibilities He has brought into our life?

We would love to hear from you, too, on how we can pray for you in 2014. Leave a comment here or email us directly and stay in touch!

Vulcan Quarry

Our homeschool co-op, Classical Conversations, took a field trip today to a local quarry, Volcan Materials Co. in Havre de Grace, MD.  It proved to be a timely field trip as we are memorizing geological science facts this half of the year.

It was free to all, buses included, which, for homeschoolers, is quite a big deal. I coordinated the trip with Pat Pieton, the assistant plant manager at Vulcan. He was super friendly and a delight with whom to work. He led our tour today which began with a classroom portion, followed by a bus tour of the quarry.













At one point during the bus tour, we were able to exit the bus at the top of the quarry and look out over the vast "hole in the ground". The following are some photos of our time.

What are the three types of rocks? 

Miner Jessie 

Is it a rock or a mineral?

It's petrified dinosaur poop!!!

Preparing for a blast!

Happy New Year's Day Hike

We participated in something called, "First Day Hikes" this a.m. to kick off 2013 as a family. We love taking hikes and thought it would be a great way to get some fresh air, step away from the cookies and fudge for a bit and enjoy time as a family. We had more fun than we anticipated.

When we arrived, we were the only family with children present. I cringed thinking we might prevent  the rest of the group from advancing down the trail at their desired pace. But, thankfully, another family with three young children showed up, and our kids proved to demonstrate themselves as experienced hikers, keeping up with the crowd with little prodding or help from mom and dad.

The hardest part for them was not being able to stop and explore as much as they're accustomed to when we go by ourselves. Nevertheless, it allowed me to step back and observe how different life experiences are through the eyes of a child. My kids love to observe and explore. And, I love to let them. Hiking is a fantastic way to foster this childlike pleasure.

With the exception of one root-filled, semi-rocky incline, the trail was rather simple to traverse. We wore rain or snow boots anticipating mud and muck, which indeed was plentiful. But, mud means moderate temperatures and therefore a welcomed obstacle.  Truth be told, mud makes hiking all that more fun for kids even though mommy has more laundry to do as a result this afternoon.

Mud to muck in, sticks to turn into staffs, felled trees to climb over and under, and streams to cross all make for an enjoyable, memorable hike. It doesn't get much better than that as far as hiking goes, unless, of course, mommy manages to slip and fall into icy rapids and become soaked from hip to toe.

Our furthest destination on the hike today was a spot called "The Pot Rocks", a conglomeration of large boulders with holes in the tops of them resembling pots. I love bouldering, but not on January 1st and not with my kids in tow.  LA had a different idea. Most of the other hikers were keeping their distance from the water's edge, simply and safely admiring the view. But, not so my husband or children.

They tipped their toes as close to the edge of the rocks without slipping into the rushing water, making me a nervous momma and wife. My concerns were heard and considered, I think, but the other dad in our group must have sent out some sort of "man must conquer" vibe, and there was no turning back for Lawrence. He decided he would cross the rapids to reach the rocks.

My husband and children successfully to the other side, I breathed a brief sigh of relief knowing they would still have to cross back. After a few minutes of exploration, the ranger kindly let me know that we were welcome to hang out at the rocks for a while and head back to the trail head on our own, but that he would be leading the rest of the group back to the cars.

We decided to stick with the group; LA and the kids made their way back to the crossing. Being the conscientious (read nervous) momma, I stood on the other side of the watery gap waiting to grab my kids' hands to ensure their safe and dry return. Tucker was first up.

LA held on to him on one side while I reached for Tucker's hand on the other. The grip on my boots failed me; Tucker's reach sent me off-kilter, and into the icy water I fell.  In trying to avoid getting wet at all, I ended up falling right on my butt soaking myself from hip to toe.  Laughs abounded from everyone but me. I have to say, though, my heart was cheered knowing that though I was cold and wet, that was likely to be the most memorable moment of our hike.

And, on that concluding note, some pictures. Click on the slideshow images to see larger versions:

The "Heart"

Referencing the Paul Tripp marriage conference entitled, "What Did You Expect" that Lawrence and I had the privilege to attend a few weekends ago, Tripp draws our attention to a popular "game" we all play, especially with our spouse. I'm sure you've heard of it and play it yourself from time to time: the blame game. You know the rules of this game; I don't have to spell them out for you. Most likely, you started playing this game around the same time I did, as a toddler perhaps even before we could walk or talk.

In marriage, we play the blame game any time we become convinced that our marriage would be so much better if our spouse would change.  Tripp confronts this thought saying, "The 'blame game' is heresy--it never leads to a good marriage; it never leads to unity, understanding or love."

How often are we caught in that trap?  When we think that, we are believing a lie. My speech and/or behavior is NEVER caused by my husband. It can be a response to something he's done or said, but it comes from within my own heart. A person cannot say or do anything that wasn't birthed within the desires, motivations and inclinations of her own heart.

Our hearts are what Paul Tripp calls the "causal core of one's personhood", the steering wheel, if you want to think of it that way, determining what comes out of your mouth and what dictates your actions.

"My words and actions always tell me more about ME than they do about my spouse".

So what have my words and actions told me about ME this week?
It depends on the moment. But, many times I must say that my words and actions toward my family especially indicated that I love myself a lot more than I love them.
I have grown irritated and impatient with my children when they haven't obeyed me right away.
I have demonstrated anger toward my husband when he neglected to demonstrate thoughtfulness toward me in a way I expected him to.

I can gratefully say, however, that God has been right there with me in those moments, convicting me of my self-centeredness, pride and anger. By God's grace, confession and repentance came quickly in those moments when I took a harsh tone with my children or gave the "cold shoulder" to Lawrence.

Truthfully, I can grow quickly discouraged that I am still growing so easily angered with my children and husband. But, instead I want to see the grace there has been in these moments....not grace that removes temptation but rather causes me to confess sin when I've blown it and even sometimes not give into the temptation in the first place. Those are really sweet moments.  I experienced some of that this morning with my daughter.

She was having a really hard time focusing on school, staring out the window rather than attending to the work she had to do, fidgeting in her seat, with her hair and fingernails. I just wanted to get through the lessons and move on to helping the boys so that they could be finished with their school work before their Abuelo (grandfather) arrived to teach them Spanish. I had a long list of "to do" items clamoring for my attention. I did not appreciate her dragging her feet with her school work.

Impatience was "knocking at my door"; anger was welling up, and I wanted to be coercive and manipulative in that parenting moment to get her to pay attention and do her work. Here's one of those "little moments" that matter. By God's kindness, He captured my attention in the moment and allowed me to see the opportunity that lie before me to grow in godliness!

In my mind over and over again, I cried out to Jesus to help me demonstrate patience and long suffering to Bella, to persevere with her and encourage her rather than grow frustrated with her. He gave me empathy for her recalling times and circumstances when I've been asked to do something I don't want to do or have the energy to do. Most significant of all, He reminded me of how HE has treated me--with long suffering, patience, always being for me not against me, always wanting me to grow and thrive, never brow-beating me or manipulating me into obedience to Him.

I took many deep breaths, "breathing in" the Holy Spirit's power to do what is so far beyond me to do, rule over my emotions rather than allowing them to rule over me.  And, we got through the work. It wasn't fun; it wasn't easy, but God was there with us in that moment.

My heart is a storehouse of desires, motivations, will and emotions and so is yours. Out of those full hearts, we speak and act. What have your words and actions communicated about what's in your heart this week?

Made for Worship

The first principle Paul Tripp points out about marriage is that a "marriage of unity, understanding, and love is not rooted in romance, but in worship".

Worship?
Say what?

Consider this truth: All mankind was born for worship--not to BE worshiped, though don't we all think so at times, but TO worship another, namely our Creator.  If you need a little convincing, ponder your experience of  the most recent sporting event you watched or attended, an amazingly scrumptious meal or dessert you ate, or even a museum you walked through. It's likely either you or another were participating in inferior forms of worship...what the Merriam Webster dictionary would call the giving of "extravagant respect or admiration for or devotion to an object of esteem".

Worship is innate. It is something we were born to do. But, the object of our worship for which we were created is often replaced by lesser things.

Romans 1: 25 says, "They exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator who is forever praised".

Daily, in some form, we make this exchange. We forget or deny that we were born to worship One and only One, and it's not ourselves.

What does this have to do with marriage?

There are many implications of this truth on marriage, but the one I'm going to focus on first is this: When we are not worshiping God, our Creator, giving our devotion and respect and ultimate admiration to God, we can assume that in some way we are worshiping ourselves. I am tempted a gazillion times a day to take God off the throne of my heart and put myself in His place, mindful only of what I want, what I need, what I feel. When that happens, there's bound to be marriage problems.

Here's one example of what it looks like for me...
My hubby comes home from work and I am tired from a full day of homeschooling, running errands, doing housework, breaking up sibling squabbles. I am not interested in serving another person. I've served all day. At that moment, I am really not thinking about anyone else's needs or desires or feelings other than my own. And, boy am I acutely aware of my own. I describe them in vivid detail almost every evening to my husband.

I want my husband to come in and take over, to know precisely the "line" I've required my children to tow all day and not lower the standard thereby undermining my authority. I want him to correct and train and encourage the children so I can emotionally and mentally "check out". If he'd help with the dinner dishes and picking up the house, that would just be a bonus.

So, when the kids don't respond to my call to come set the table or they complain about the meal I prepared and LA doesn't verbally jump all over them for it, if he's just a bit slower to respond than I normally am, I can absolutely lose it...on him and on the kids. I make the assumption that he was never going to address the children, he doesn't care or see the level of disrespect they have toward me. It goes further then to character judgments as well--he's checked out on us emotionally or is being lazy not wanting to address my children's hearts or behavior. He's apathetic toward my feelings.

All this happens within a snap.
Ever been there or somewhere similar?

And, you can imagine that what comes out of my mouth (because this girl has trouble keeping it shut!) is harsh, judgmental, accusatory and disrespectful (oh the irony). On the rare occasion I do manage to keep my mouth shut, the silence and slamming ensues. Slam cupboards and dishes all while pursing my precious lips tightly shut.

Believe it or not, I am worshiping in these moments. What I want, for my husband to engage with my children, is not a bad thing. It's a good thing; I should want that. When it takes the form of worship in my heart is when I am wanting it more than I am wanting God and His will for that moment in time. He wants me to grow in patience. Perhaps, He wants to help my children grow in hearing and responding to His Spirit convicting them in the quiet of their thoughts and heart versus being reprimanded immediately by their parent. He certainly doesn't want me to be bitterly spewing angry statements at my husband.

So, what do I do knowing my inclination to worship my desires, needs and wants?
Where do I go when the worship of myself has eclipsed the worship of God?

I'm grateful that God continues to stop me in moments like what I just described to convict me of my self worship. Sadly, I don't always bow to His conviction right away. Sometimes it takes me awhile. But, God's Spirit, thankfully, always wins and brings me to a godly sorrow over my sin. And, it is then that I can confess that sin, run to Jesus, the One who bore all the wrath of God that I deserved for all my moments of self worship.

And, God reminds me in I John 1:9 that when I confess my sin, HE is faithful and just to forgive me of that sin and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.

Then, I think upon God, upon HIS perfection, HIS wisdom, HIS righteousness, HIS beauty, goodness, grace and mercy and bow again to HIS will for this small moment in my life.

In "real life", I ask for forgiveness from Lawrence (and my children if they were witnesses of my behavior or speech) and think on things that are excellent and praiseworthy about those brief moments around the dinner table. I think about what God may have been seeking to accomplish in my life, in my children's lives and in my husband's life at that instant. And, I consider God's redemption of my wrongs. I ponder all the ways God could be making good on my bad, and it's at this moment that I'm typically undone....for at least 3 minutes before something else may tempt me toward self worship. ;)

It's moment by moment here in my world. The little moments DO matter.