I'm a little late to the game. I usually am. Nevertheless, I wanted to document a thought, just one, I ruminated on regarding my hubby yesterday, Father's Day.
There was a plethora of touching tributes to fathers and pictures of dads with their children as I scrolled through my facebook and instagram feeds yesterday. But, I remained silent. I am not sure entirely why I do this. Mother's Day, Father's Day, people's birthdays. I freeze up. There's always been something about these days having hints of obligation behind one's card, gift or words of well wishes that just keep me at a distance.
I know. I have issues. Let's just move on.
The one thing, the most pronounced and really important thing that makes my husband an amazing father is simply this: he loves us when we are unlovable. He has demonstrated this to me more times than I could enumerate over the thirteen years that we have been married. He is now demonstrating this to our children with a steadfastness that seems impenetrable at times. He is not perfect in this, of course, but he perseveres with some unlovely creatures here in our home at times.
He is patient and soft-toned many times. He comes alongside us in our emotional pits and encourages us, cheers us on, and reminds us Whose we are, that God loves us, and that we also love God and want to live for Him. And, he makes us laugh when the air becomes just a little too thick for comfort with intense emotion. He lightens the mood and enlivens our hearts to love one another again.
He is a picture of Jesus to us in this characteristic of his fatherhood and as a spouse. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Thank you, Lawrence, for demonstrating some serious love to me, your wife, and to our children, at our most unlovely moments.
Showing posts with label Lawrence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lawrence. Show all posts
Monday, June 22, 2015
Thursday, October 16, 2014
The Perfect Master of Our Less Than Perfect Marriage
We are not your Hallmark couple
Though we both love the Hallowed One who made us a couple
We have not been a safe place for each other
But we know and love and run to the One who is an inpenetrable Refuge.
We are not each other's best friends
Yet we have a friend Who sticks closer than a brother.
We have wounded and wronged each other more times than we can count.
Even so, our souls have been bought by the One who was wounded for us and Who will one day make all wrongs, right.
We have grown tired and weary in our striving for peace
Yet our lives are sustained by the Prince of Peace whose understanding none can fathom!
We have scratched and clawed our way to 12+ years of wavering faithfulness and devotion to one another
But the strong arms of God's unfailing love have held us and carried us to today.
We have said so many hurtful, hateful things, condemned and criticized
Though we stand no longer condemned by the One whose judgment alone counts.
We are loved and accepted by Him who speaks only words of affirmation and love over us.
Our marriage is to be a reflection of Christ's love for His bride and the church's reciprocal love and yieldedness to Jesus
Instead we have reflected much lesser, base values of this world.
It has reflected our often wandering hearts that crave delights that cannot satisfy.
There is: who we are, what we see and have experienced in trying to love one another
Then there is: WHOSE we are and what we have not YET seen but will one day---
I have been an imperfect bride.
You have been a less than loving lover.
But the Lover of our souls is perfect.
His love has never failed us.
We are together His bride--cleansed, whole, healed, and eternally loved.
Together, we are still becoming all Jesus fought for us to be.
Today, again, I choose to stand with your hand in mine,
Your heart intertwined with mine
Our gaze on Him, our perfect Savior
our perfect Lord
our perfect God
Awaiting the day He makes us what He's claimed us to be:
His perfect bride.
Though we both love the Hallowed One who made us a couple
We have not been a safe place for each other
But we know and love and run to the One who is an inpenetrable Refuge.
We are not each other's best friends
Yet we have a friend Who sticks closer than a brother.
We have wounded and wronged each other more times than we can count.
Even so, our souls have been bought by the One who was wounded for us and Who will one day make all wrongs, right.
We have grown tired and weary in our striving for peace
Yet our lives are sustained by the Prince of Peace whose understanding none can fathom!
We have scratched and clawed our way to 12+ years of wavering faithfulness and devotion to one another
But the strong arms of God's unfailing love have held us and carried us to today.
We have said so many hurtful, hateful things, condemned and criticized
Though we stand no longer condemned by the One whose judgment alone counts.
We are loved and accepted by Him who speaks only words of affirmation and love over us.
Our marriage is to be a reflection of Christ's love for His bride and the church's reciprocal love and yieldedness to Jesus
Instead we have reflected much lesser, base values of this world.
It has reflected our often wandering hearts that crave delights that cannot satisfy.
There is: who we are, what we see and have experienced in trying to love one another
Then there is: WHOSE we are and what we have not YET seen but will one day---
I have been an imperfect bride.
You have been a less than loving lover.
But the Lover of our souls is perfect.
His love has never failed us.
We are together His bride--cleansed, whole, healed, and eternally loved.
Together, we are still becoming all Jesus fought for us to be.
Today, again, I choose to stand with your hand in mine,
Your heart intertwined with mine
Our gaze on Him, our perfect Savior
our perfect Lord
our perfect God
Awaiting the day He makes us what He's claimed us to be:
His perfect bride.
Saturday, January 04, 2014
One Word
One word for the new year. One word. Not several journal pages full. Not a list of resolutions. No bullet points. Just.One.Word.-- To provide a focus for one's year, a way to 'see' what God may be trying to accomplish in one's life. One word. Really? Just one? Impossible task for this verbose girl.
I first read about this idea from one of my favorite bloggers, Ann Voskamp, over on her blog, A Holy Experience. She references the book, "My One Word: Change Your Life with Just One Word" as her inspiration and direction with this exercise. I have read many of Ann's blog posts, and one thing I love about Ann's writing is her use of words, many of them, constructed as a poetic prose to prevail upon my hard, broken, needy heart. Yet, she has chosen just ONE word for her year the last several years. Her word for 2014 is "Jesus." Seems a little like cheating to me. How can you go wrong with that one?
**That was my first and likely last criticism of this godly lady, even if it was "tongue in cheek."
My "California friend, Bethany" (as I refer to her because while I have never met her in real life, she is a friend to me, and she lives in California) mentioned on her facebook status that she has been thinking it over as well. What will her one word be for 2014? California Bethany, like me, likes to use a lot of words to describe a circumstance or her feelings. This is, in a small way, why I feel we are kindred spirits. And, I thought, "If these ladies can narrow down to one word, so can I!" Why must I turn everything into a competition? Goodness gracious, some habits die hard.
Other friends of mine have jumped in on this exercise. My friend, Danielle, announced on instagram her ONE word for the year, "Blessing."
And so, I have been thinking about this one word idea.
The first word that came to me was, "RUN," not in the sense of run from one's problems, even though I am often tempted to do that at times, but rather in the literal sense of the word. In the past 6 months, God has given the gift of running back to me after going nearly 6 years without running regularly. With an instable and weak spine, I thought regular running was out of the cards for me for good. Nevertheless, I gave it another try this summer and into the fall. I had been running on average 3 times a week and had worked up to 5 mile runs. Nearing the end of 2013, I began to think about trying for a half marathon in 2014. It's been something I have wanted to do for a long time.
I mentioned it to my hubby, started looking up races I could sign up for in 2014 along with training schedules. Running on a mixture of head strong intentions, 4 days worth of Christmas goodies and worn out sneakers, I ended up throwing my back out at the end of December after getting greedy by going for a 6.5 mile run. More than a week later, I'm still icing it and typing this from the floor.
All that to say, I am uncertain about choosing the word, "Run" for 2014. I will still pursue the half marathon as much as I am able, but I have to recognize my road to the half may be a long and often interrupted course.
The next word that I thought of was "ABSORB" as in absorbing others', particularly my husband's, offenses. Ever listen to or read something that sticks with you for life? A message John Piper gave entitled, "Blessed are the Meek" from Matthew 5 contained one line that has stayed with me years later. It was, "Meekness is the power to absorb adversity and criticism without lashing back." I am not meek, especially when it comes to absorbing any hint of criticism my hubby throws my way. I lash back like a lion, ferociously. This needs to change in order for LA and me to move forward in our communication and love for one another. So, "absorb" seems like it could be a good fit.
As I thought over "absorb", however, I sensed its focus was on me, my behavior, my ability to be Christ like or inability moreso. And, the thought of spending concentrated, mental and emotional energy on changing my heart and subsequent behavior that oozes out of that heart discouraged me. Quickly, I recalled the changes God has been bringing about in my life, and I realized I want to walk away from old patterns of self focus, of 'law bound' effort and self atonement. Choosing a word like absorb, I fear, would cast me daily into that pit again of self loathing and defeat. No thanks.
"Forgive" was the next word that jumped into my mind because I have some bitterness and hard feelings toward some folks, and I need to forgive and move on, whatever that is supposed to look like. Honestly, I have no idea what to even aim for with this one, how to go about it, and all that I mentioned in the previous paragraph again applies here.
"Rebuild"? As in rebuild my relationship with my husband, my Lord, His church. There has been much upheaval in our lives in the past year, and we are ready to rebuild, shift paradigms and patterns of thinking, being and doing. I still feel a little unsure on some of the foundation work, however. I know that Christ is our Bedrock, our sure Foundation. That has not changed. He remains the same. His love endures. He is still our all in all. But, some of the ways we have done life for so long are changing, and we need to rebuild. eventually. I am just not certain we have all the foundation pieces in place quite yet. "Rebuild" feels a little premature still.
"Pray"? Prayer is good. It is always a good thing. Prayer accomplishes more than anything else I could do. Prayer could be all encompassing.
At this point, I am perplexed and just want to be silly about the whole thing. How about the word, "Fun" because really, don't girls just want to have fun? But, again, I have to try to have fun, or have a glass of wine in me to be fun. Fun is out.
HEAL? because I have felt particularly broken this last half of 2013.
OPEN? to what and where and to whom God wants us to bless in 2014.
GRATEFUL? because as A.Voskamp says, "it always precedes the miracle", and I need some miracles in my life.
GRACE? because I have lived 32 years of life on earth professing to be a believer in Grace-Incarnate, Jesus Christ, and I don't really know that I "get grace", on the receiving or giving end.
TRUTH? because I am seeking afresh God's truths. What does it look like to follow Jesus who says HE is the TRUTH?
READ? because I always want to be reading more than I do.
WRITE? because I always want to be writing more than I do.
ARITHMETIC... because....just kidding. That was just was a stream of consciousness move there. ha!
It is at this point in my post that I stopped and had my hubby read it. He looked at me questioningly, "So, what's your word going to be?" I ramble on about how I don't only want to write when I have a nicely packaged conclusion or life lesson to share, but when I am still in process. I want to write when I've got nothing.
Responding to that, LA shared with me that he has been thinking about a mantra for 2014. He is our "mantra maker", and he comes up with good ones that almost always reflect our life rather well. He's certainly the concise one among the two of us. And he said that as he prayed about 2014, the only thing that came to him was nothing.
We dialogued for a bit about this, puzzled, because for two task oriented, ambitious people, "nothing" does not sound all that appealing. It even sounds frightening. But, we both agreed that for us, for now, it sounds right on.
NOTHING. and in expanded form, "I've or We've got nothing."
Nothing in my hands I bring,
Simply to thy cross I cling;
Naked, come to thee for dress;
Helpless, look to thee for grace;
Foul, I to thy fountain, Lord, I fly;
Wash me, Savior, or I die.
I first read about this idea from one of my favorite bloggers, Ann Voskamp, over on her blog, A Holy Experience. She references the book, "My One Word: Change Your Life with Just One Word" as her inspiration and direction with this exercise. I have read many of Ann's blog posts, and one thing I love about Ann's writing is her use of words, many of them, constructed as a poetic prose to prevail upon my hard, broken, needy heart. Yet, she has chosen just ONE word for her year the last several years. Her word for 2014 is "Jesus." Seems a little like cheating to me. How can you go wrong with that one?
**That was my first and likely last criticism of this godly lady, even if it was "tongue in cheek."
My "California friend, Bethany" (as I refer to her because while I have never met her in real life, she is a friend to me, and she lives in California) mentioned on her facebook status that she has been thinking it over as well. What will her one word be for 2014? California Bethany, like me, likes to use a lot of words to describe a circumstance or her feelings. This is, in a small way, why I feel we are kindred spirits. And, I thought, "If these ladies can narrow down to one word, so can I!" Why must I turn everything into a competition? Goodness gracious, some habits die hard.
Other friends of mine have jumped in on this exercise. My friend, Danielle, announced on instagram her ONE word for the year, "Blessing."
And so, I have been thinking about this one word idea.
The first word that came to me was, "RUN," not in the sense of run from one's problems, even though I am often tempted to do that at times, but rather in the literal sense of the word. In the past 6 months, God has given the gift of running back to me after going nearly 6 years without running regularly. With an instable and weak spine, I thought regular running was out of the cards for me for good. Nevertheless, I gave it another try this summer and into the fall. I had been running on average 3 times a week and had worked up to 5 mile runs. Nearing the end of 2013, I began to think about trying for a half marathon in 2014. It's been something I have wanted to do for a long time.
I mentioned it to my hubby, started looking up races I could sign up for in 2014 along with training schedules. Running on a mixture of head strong intentions, 4 days worth of Christmas goodies and worn out sneakers, I ended up throwing my back out at the end of December after getting greedy by going for a 6.5 mile run. More than a week later, I'm still icing it and typing this from the floor.
All that to say, I am uncertain about choosing the word, "Run" for 2014. I will still pursue the half marathon as much as I am able, but I have to recognize my road to the half may be a long and often interrupted course.
The next word that I thought of was "ABSORB" as in absorbing others', particularly my husband's, offenses. Ever listen to or read something that sticks with you for life? A message John Piper gave entitled, "Blessed are the Meek" from Matthew 5 contained one line that has stayed with me years later. It was, "Meekness is the power to absorb adversity and criticism without lashing back." I am not meek, especially when it comes to absorbing any hint of criticism my hubby throws my way. I lash back like a lion, ferociously. This needs to change in order for LA and me to move forward in our communication and love for one another. So, "absorb" seems like it could be a good fit.
As I thought over "absorb", however, I sensed its focus was on me, my behavior, my ability to be Christ like or inability moreso. And, the thought of spending concentrated, mental and emotional energy on changing my heart and subsequent behavior that oozes out of that heart discouraged me. Quickly, I recalled the changes God has been bringing about in my life, and I realized I want to walk away from old patterns of self focus, of 'law bound' effort and self atonement. Choosing a word like absorb, I fear, would cast me daily into that pit again of self loathing and defeat. No thanks.
"Forgive" was the next word that jumped into my mind because I have some bitterness and hard feelings toward some folks, and I need to forgive and move on, whatever that is supposed to look like. Honestly, I have no idea what to even aim for with this one, how to go about it, and all that I mentioned in the previous paragraph again applies here.
"Rebuild"? As in rebuild my relationship with my husband, my Lord, His church. There has been much upheaval in our lives in the past year, and we are ready to rebuild, shift paradigms and patterns of thinking, being and doing. I still feel a little unsure on some of the foundation work, however. I know that Christ is our Bedrock, our sure Foundation. That has not changed. He remains the same. His love endures. He is still our all in all. But, some of the ways we have done life for so long are changing, and we need to rebuild. eventually. I am just not certain we have all the foundation pieces in place quite yet. "Rebuild" feels a little premature still.
"Pray"? Prayer is good. It is always a good thing. Prayer accomplishes more than anything else I could do. Prayer could be all encompassing.
HEAL? because I have felt particularly broken this last half of 2013.
OPEN? to what and where and to whom God wants us to bless in 2014.
GRATEFUL? because as A.Voskamp says, "it always precedes the miracle", and I need some miracles in my life.
GRACE? because I have lived 32 years of life on earth professing to be a believer in Grace-Incarnate, Jesus Christ, and I don't really know that I "get grace", on the receiving or giving end.
TRUTH? because I am seeking afresh God's truths. What does it look like to follow Jesus who says HE is the TRUTH?
READ? because I always want to be reading more than I do.
WRITE? because I always want to be writing more than I do.
ARITHMETIC... because....just kidding. That was just was a stream of consciousness move there. ha!
It is at this point in my post that I stopped and had my hubby read it. He looked at me questioningly, "So, what's your word going to be?" I ramble on about how I don't only want to write when I have a nicely packaged conclusion or life lesson to share, but when I am still in process. I want to write when I've got nothing.
Responding to that, LA shared with me that he has been thinking about a mantra for 2014. He is our "mantra maker", and he comes up with good ones that almost always reflect our life rather well. He's certainly the concise one among the two of us. And he said that as he prayed about 2014, the only thing that came to him was nothing.
We dialogued for a bit about this, puzzled, because for two task oriented, ambitious people, "nothing" does not sound all that appealing. It even sounds frightening. But, we both agreed that for us, for now, it sounds right on.
NOTHING. and in expanded form, "I've or We've got nothing."
Nothing in my hands I bring,
Simply to thy cross I cling;
Naked, come to thee for dress;
Helpless, look to thee for grace;
Foul, I to thy fountain, Lord, I fly;
Wash me, Savior, or I die.
Thursday, November 08, 2012
The "Heart"
Referencing the Paul Tripp marriage conference entitled, "What Did You Expect" that Lawrence and I had the privilege to attend a few weekends ago, Tripp draws our attention to a popular "game" we all play, especially with our spouse. I'm sure you've heard of it and play it yourself from time to time: the blame game. You know the rules of this game; I don't have to spell them out for you. Most likely, you started playing this game around the same time I did, as a toddler perhaps even before we could walk or talk.
In marriage, we play the blame game any time we become convinced that our marriage would be so much better if our spouse would change. Tripp confronts this thought saying, "The 'blame game' is heresy--it never leads to a good marriage; it never leads to unity, understanding or love."
How often are we caught in that trap? When we think that, we are believing a lie. My speech and/or behavior is NEVER caused by my husband. It can be a response to something he's done or said, but it comes from within my own heart. A person cannot say or do anything that wasn't birthed within the desires, motivations and inclinations of her own heart.
Our hearts are what Paul Tripp calls the "causal core of one's personhood", the steering wheel, if you want to think of it that way, determining what comes out of your mouth and what dictates your actions.
"My words and actions always tell me more about ME than they do about my spouse".
So what have my words and actions told me about ME this week?
It depends on the moment. But, many times I must say that my words and actions toward my family especially indicated that I love myself a lot more than I love them.
I have grown irritated and impatient with my children when they haven't obeyed me right away.
I have demonstrated anger toward my husband when he neglected to demonstrate thoughtfulness toward me in a way I expected him to.
I can gratefully say, however, that God has been right there with me in those moments, convicting me of my self-centeredness, pride and anger. By God's grace, confession and repentance came quickly in those moments when I took a harsh tone with my children or gave the "cold shoulder" to Lawrence.
Truthfully, I can grow quickly discouraged that I am still growing so easily angered with my children and husband. But, instead I want to see the grace there has been in these moments....not grace that removes temptation but rather causes me to confess sin when I've blown it and even sometimes not give into the temptation in the first place. Those are really sweet moments. I experienced some of that this morning with my daughter.
She was having a really hard time focusing on school, staring out the window rather than attending to the work she had to do, fidgeting in her seat, with her hair and fingernails. I just wanted to get through the lessons and move on to helping the boys so that they could be finished with their school work before their Abuelo (grandfather) arrived to teach them Spanish. I had a long list of "to do" items clamoring for my attention. I did not appreciate her dragging her feet with her school work.
Impatience was "knocking at my door"; anger was welling up, and I wanted to be coercive and manipulative in that parenting moment to get her to pay attention and do her work. Here's one of those "little moments" that matter. By God's kindness, He captured my attention in the moment and allowed me to see the opportunity that lie before me to grow in godliness!
In my mind over and over again, I cried out to Jesus to help me demonstrate patience and long suffering to Bella, to persevere with her and encourage her rather than grow frustrated with her. He gave me empathy for her recalling times and circumstances when I've been asked to do something I don't want to do or have the energy to do. Most significant of all, He reminded me of how HE has treated me--with long suffering, patience, always being for me not against me, always wanting me to grow and thrive, never brow-beating me or manipulating me into obedience to Him.
I took many deep breaths, "breathing in" the Holy Spirit's power to do what is so far beyond me to do, rule over my emotions rather than allowing them to rule over me. And, we got through the work. It wasn't fun; it wasn't easy, but God was there with us in that moment.
My heart is a storehouse of desires, motivations, will and emotions and so is yours. Out of those full hearts, we speak and act. What have your words and actions communicated about what's in your heart this week?
In marriage, we play the blame game any time we become convinced that our marriage would be so much better if our spouse would change. Tripp confronts this thought saying, "The 'blame game' is heresy--it never leads to a good marriage; it never leads to unity, understanding or love."
How often are we caught in that trap? When we think that, we are believing a lie. My speech and/or behavior is NEVER caused by my husband. It can be a response to something he's done or said, but it comes from within my own heart. A person cannot say or do anything that wasn't birthed within the desires, motivations and inclinations of her own heart.
Our hearts are what Paul Tripp calls the "causal core of one's personhood", the steering wheel, if you want to think of it that way, determining what comes out of your mouth and what dictates your actions.
"My words and actions always tell me more about ME than they do about my spouse".
So what have my words and actions told me about ME this week?
It depends on the moment. But, many times I must say that my words and actions toward my family especially indicated that I love myself a lot more than I love them.
I have grown irritated and impatient with my children when they haven't obeyed me right away.
I have demonstrated anger toward my husband when he neglected to demonstrate thoughtfulness toward me in a way I expected him to.
I can gratefully say, however, that God has been right there with me in those moments, convicting me of my self-centeredness, pride and anger. By God's grace, confession and repentance came quickly in those moments when I took a harsh tone with my children or gave the "cold shoulder" to Lawrence.
Truthfully, I can grow quickly discouraged that I am still growing so easily angered with my children and husband. But, instead I want to see the grace there has been in these moments....not grace that removes temptation but rather causes me to confess sin when I've blown it and even sometimes not give into the temptation in the first place. Those are really sweet moments. I experienced some of that this morning with my daughter.
She was having a really hard time focusing on school, staring out the window rather than attending to the work she had to do, fidgeting in her seat, with her hair and fingernails. I just wanted to get through the lessons and move on to helping the boys so that they could be finished with their school work before their Abuelo (grandfather) arrived to teach them Spanish. I had a long list of "to do" items clamoring for my attention. I did not appreciate her dragging her feet with her school work.
Impatience was "knocking at my door"; anger was welling up, and I wanted to be coercive and manipulative in that parenting moment to get her to pay attention and do her work. Here's one of those "little moments" that matter. By God's kindness, He captured my attention in the moment and allowed me to see the opportunity that lie before me to grow in godliness!
In my mind over and over again, I cried out to Jesus to help me demonstrate patience and long suffering to Bella, to persevere with her and encourage her rather than grow frustrated with her. He gave me empathy for her recalling times and circumstances when I've been asked to do something I don't want to do or have the energy to do. Most significant of all, He reminded me of how HE has treated me--with long suffering, patience, always being for me not against me, always wanting me to grow and thrive, never brow-beating me or manipulating me into obedience to Him.
I took many deep breaths, "breathing in" the Holy Spirit's power to do what is so far beyond me to do, rule over my emotions rather than allowing them to rule over me. And, we got through the work. It wasn't fun; it wasn't easy, but God was there with us in that moment.
My heart is a storehouse of desires, motivations, will and emotions and so is yours. Out of those full hearts, we speak and act. What have your words and actions communicated about what's in your heart this week?
Thursday, November 01, 2012
Made for Worship
The first principle Paul Tripp points out about marriage is that a "marriage of unity, understanding, and love is not rooted in romance, but in worship".
Worship?
Say what?
Consider this truth: All mankind was born for worship--not to BE worshiped, though don't we all think so at times, but TO worship another, namely our Creator. If you need a little convincing, ponder your experience of the most recent sporting event you watched or attended, an amazingly scrumptious meal or dessert you ate, or even a museum you walked through. It's likely either you or another were participating in inferior forms of worship...what the Merriam Webster dictionary would call the giving of "extravagant respect or admiration for or devotion to an object of esteem".
Worship is innate. It is something we were born to do. But, the object of our worship for which we were created is often replaced by lesser things.
Romans 1: 25 says, "They exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator who is forever praised".
Daily, in some form, we make this exchange. We forget or deny that we were born to worship One and only One, and it's not ourselves.
What does this have to do with marriage?
There are many implications of this truth on marriage, but the one I'm going to focus on first is this: When we are not worshiping God, our Creator, giving our devotion and respect and ultimate admiration to God, we can assume that in some way we are worshiping ourselves. I am tempted a gazillion times a day to take God off the throne of my heart and put myself in His place, mindful only of what I want, what I need, what I feel. When that happens, there's bound to be marriage problems.
Here's one example of what it looks like for me...
My hubby comes home from work and I am tired from a full day of homeschooling, running errands, doing housework, breaking up sibling squabbles. I am not interested in serving another person. I've served all day. At that moment, I am really not thinking about anyone else's needs or desires or feelings other than my own. And, boy am I acutely aware of my own. I describe them in vivid detail almost every evening to my husband.
I want my husband to come in and take over, to know precisely the "line" I've required my children to tow all day and not lower the standard thereby undermining my authority. I want him to correct and train and encourage the children so I can emotionally and mentally "check out". If he'd help with the dinner dishes and picking up the house, that would just be a bonus.
So, when the kids don't respond to my call to come set the table or they complain about the meal I prepared and LA doesn't verbally jump all over them for it, if he's just a bit slower to respond than I normally am, I can absolutely lose it...on him and on the kids. I make the assumption that he was never going to address the children, he doesn't care or see the level of disrespect they have toward me. It goes further then to character judgments as well--he's checked out on us emotionally or is being lazy not wanting to address my children's hearts or behavior. He's apathetic toward my feelings.
All this happens within a snap.
Ever been there or somewhere similar?
And, you can imagine that what comes out of my mouth (because this girl has trouble keeping it shut!) is harsh, judgmental, accusatory and disrespectful (oh the irony). On the rare occasion I do manage to keep my mouth shut, the silence and slamming ensues. Slam cupboards and dishes all while pursing my precious lips tightly shut.
Believe it or not, I am worshiping in these moments. What I want, for my husband to engage with my children, is not a bad thing. It's a good thing; I should want that. When it takes the form of worship in my heart is when I am wanting it more than I am wanting God and His will for that moment in time. He wants me to grow in patience. Perhaps, He wants to help my children grow in hearing and responding to His Spirit convicting them in the quiet of their thoughts and heart versus being reprimanded immediately by their parent. He certainly doesn't want me to be bitterly spewing angry statements at my husband.
So, what do I do knowing my inclination to worship my desires, needs and wants?
Where do I go when the worship of myself has eclipsed the worship of God?
I'm grateful that God continues to stop me in moments like what I just described to convict me of my self worship. Sadly, I don't always bow to His conviction right away. Sometimes it takes me awhile. But, God's Spirit, thankfully, always wins and brings me to a godly sorrow over my sin. And, it is then that I can confess that sin, run to Jesus, the One who bore all the wrath of God that I deserved for all my moments of self worship.
And, God reminds me in I John 1:9 that when I confess my sin, HE is faithful and just to forgive me of that sin and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.
Then, I think upon God, upon HIS perfection, HIS wisdom, HIS righteousness, HIS beauty, goodness, grace and mercy and bow again to HIS will for this small moment in my life.
In "real life", I ask for forgiveness from Lawrence (and my children if they were witnesses of my behavior or speech) and think on things that are excellent and praiseworthy about those brief moments around the dinner table. I think about what God may have been seeking to accomplish in my life, in my children's lives and in my husband's life at that instant. And, I consider God's redemption of my wrongs. I ponder all the ways God could be making good on my bad, and it's at this moment that I'm typically undone....for at least 3 minutes before something else may tempt me toward self worship. ;)
It's moment by moment here in my world. The little moments DO matter.
Worship?
Say what?
Consider this truth: All mankind was born for worship--not to BE worshiped, though don't we all think so at times, but TO worship another, namely our Creator. If you need a little convincing, ponder your experience of the most recent sporting event you watched or attended, an amazingly scrumptious meal or dessert you ate, or even a museum you walked through. It's likely either you or another were participating in inferior forms of worship...what the Merriam Webster dictionary would call the giving of "extravagant respect or admiration for or devotion to an object of esteem".
Worship is innate. It is something we were born to do. But, the object of our worship for which we were created is often replaced by lesser things.
Romans 1: 25 says, "They exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator who is forever praised".
Daily, in some form, we make this exchange. We forget or deny that we were born to worship One and only One, and it's not ourselves.
What does this have to do with marriage?
There are many implications of this truth on marriage, but the one I'm going to focus on first is this: When we are not worshiping God, our Creator, giving our devotion and respect and ultimate admiration to God, we can assume that in some way we are worshiping ourselves. I am tempted a gazillion times a day to take God off the throne of my heart and put myself in His place, mindful only of what I want, what I need, what I feel. When that happens, there's bound to be marriage problems.
Here's one example of what it looks like for me...
My hubby comes home from work and I am tired from a full day of homeschooling, running errands, doing housework, breaking up sibling squabbles. I am not interested in serving another person. I've served all day. At that moment, I am really not thinking about anyone else's needs or desires or feelings other than my own. And, boy am I acutely aware of my own. I describe them in vivid detail almost every evening to my husband.
I want my husband to come in and take over, to know precisely the "line" I've required my children to tow all day and not lower the standard thereby undermining my authority. I want him to correct and train and encourage the children so I can emotionally and mentally "check out". If he'd help with the dinner dishes and picking up the house, that would just be a bonus.
So, when the kids don't respond to my call to come set the table or they complain about the meal I prepared and LA doesn't verbally jump all over them for it, if he's just a bit slower to respond than I normally am, I can absolutely lose it...on him and on the kids. I make the assumption that he was never going to address the children, he doesn't care or see the level of disrespect they have toward me. It goes further then to character judgments as well--he's checked out on us emotionally or is being lazy not wanting to address my children's hearts or behavior. He's apathetic toward my feelings.
All this happens within a snap.
Ever been there or somewhere similar?
And, you can imagine that what comes out of my mouth (because this girl has trouble keeping it shut!) is harsh, judgmental, accusatory and disrespectful (oh the irony). On the rare occasion I do manage to keep my mouth shut, the silence and slamming ensues. Slam cupboards and dishes all while pursing my precious lips tightly shut.
Believe it or not, I am worshiping in these moments. What I want, for my husband to engage with my children, is not a bad thing. It's a good thing; I should want that. When it takes the form of worship in my heart is when I am wanting it more than I am wanting God and His will for that moment in time. He wants me to grow in patience. Perhaps, He wants to help my children grow in hearing and responding to His Spirit convicting them in the quiet of their thoughts and heart versus being reprimanded immediately by their parent. He certainly doesn't want me to be bitterly spewing angry statements at my husband.
So, what do I do knowing my inclination to worship my desires, needs and wants?
Where do I go when the worship of myself has eclipsed the worship of God?
I'm grateful that God continues to stop me in moments like what I just described to convict me of my self worship. Sadly, I don't always bow to His conviction right away. Sometimes it takes me awhile. But, God's Spirit, thankfully, always wins and brings me to a godly sorrow over my sin. And, it is then that I can confess that sin, run to Jesus, the One who bore all the wrath of God that I deserved for all my moments of self worship.
And, God reminds me in I John 1:9 that when I confess my sin, HE is faithful and just to forgive me of that sin and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.
Then, I think upon God, upon HIS perfection, HIS wisdom, HIS righteousness, HIS beauty, goodness, grace and mercy and bow again to HIS will for this small moment in my life.
In "real life", I ask for forgiveness from Lawrence (and my children if they were witnesses of my behavior or speech) and think on things that are excellent and praiseworthy about those brief moments around the dinner table. I think about what God may have been seeking to accomplish in my life, in my children's lives and in my husband's life at that instant. And, I consider God's redemption of my wrongs. I ponder all the ways God could be making good on my bad, and it's at this moment that I'm typically undone....for at least 3 minutes before something else may tempt me toward self worship. ;)
It's moment by moment here in my world. The little moments DO matter.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
"What Did You Expect"
My husband and I had the enormous blessing of being able to
attend a marriage conference this past weekend hosted by Sovereign GraceChurch, Cherry Hill. The speaker was
Paul Tripp, and if you have not heard him speak or read anything he has
written, you need to stop reading this post now and go to Amazon to order
ANYTHING that he’s authored. I promise you no matter where you are in life, it
will meet you in some way. Paul Tripp is a profound biblical author and speaker
and has been used by God throughout the varying seasons and circumstances of my
life to point me again to God’s truth, the wisdom of His ways and the goodness
of His heart.
Anyone who knows me just a little bit probably knows that I don’t
consider my marriage to be an easy one. It’s okay; my husband knows I feel this
way. He feels that way, too. J We’re both in it for the long haul. We love
Jesus; we love each other. I would say that we’re incredibly different and that
those differences are the cause of our frequent and heated conflicts, but I don’t
think that’s entirely true. We’re
actually incredibly alike in the ways sin ensnares us, I think. We often say
the most arrogant man on earth was attracted to and married the most arrogant
woman on earth and boy, do the sparks fly!
The latter explanation likely gets a lot closer to pinpointing why Lawrence
and I endure so much conflict in our marriage to one another.
Over the next week or two (or however long it takes me to
actually write these posts), I thought I would share some of the key points I
noted from the marriage conference in hopes that I would come a little closer
to actually applying and God willing, gaining some traction toward a more God
glorifying relationship with my husband.
I decided to do this publicly on my blog for two reasons: 1.
Writing these posts will be a form of accountability for me to review my notes
from the marriage conference which is one step closer in applying them. 2. I am
hoping anyone who reads this will pray for me and our marriage (yes, this is a
shameless plea for prayer…I’m pretty comfortable with asking for prayer!)
One inadvertent effect, I hope, from writing these posts
will be that some of you who read may be encouraged and challenged in your
marriages or other relationships because truth be told, so much of what I will
share from the conference is applicable in a variety of relationships, not just
marriage.
So, first post’s big idea is this:
“The character of marriage is set by the little moments. The little moments matter because that’s where we live and that’s where God is.”
“The character of marriage is set by the little moments. The little moments matter because that’s where we live and that’s where God is.”
For me that means I pay
attention to what many would call my “bickering” with Lawrence over just
about anything and everything. We seem to find ourselves arguing at times about
what most others would probably overlook or not even notice in the first place,
like how to fold a blanket. True story.
It means putting down my dinner preparations to greet him warmly
when he gets home from work with a hug and/or kiss.
It means not rolling my eyes when he flirts with me.
Many times, it means just thinking before I speak rather
than reacting with words and a tone I often regret.
What might it mean for you to pay attention to the little
moments?
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Discouraged Lately?
To say I'm prone to discouragement is likely an understatement. I'm discouraged early and often and lately, it's been a daily battle. What is there to be discouraged about you may ask? For me, it's anything and everything these days.
I'm discouraged that my children are so hateful and disrespectful toward each other and me and their father. I'm then discouraged as I consider that LA and I have sadly set that example for them.
I'm discouraged that I have gained 5 pounds in the last several months. But, then I'm also discouraged that I can't be mature enough to not care, that my vanity is still so great that I obsess about the silly 5 pounds that likely few, if any notice. (Now you will. Ha!)
I'm discouraged by the lack of Christian witness I think my family displays when out in public: kids screaming and hitting each other, me screaming at them or being harsh. But, then I'm discouraged that I have chosen the lifestyle of homeschooling my children which forces us to be in each others' faces all. day. long and potentially creates more context for conflict and more temptation. This leads to the discouraging reminder that other families are homeschooling their (more than 3) children and have a rather peaceful co-existence. They even ENJOY one another's company. When out in public, they are pleasant, smiling, or at very least not drawing all kinds of negative "press" to the homeschooling community.
I'm discouraged by my inconsistency to keep in touch with family members and friends. But, then I realize I'm still trying to figure out how to keep my own little nuclear family clothed and fed most days. That thought discourages me to consider I am 8 years into this mothering thing and STILL haven't figured out how to juggle some rather simple balls of home management AND keep some semblance of relationship with those outside my four walls.
I'm discouraged when I spend too much time on Facebook, twitter or emailing at the apparent neglect of my family's needs, which are obviously great as evidenced by their hateful and disrespectful speech and actions toward one another.
I'm discouraged that after 10 years of marriage, it remains almost as difficult to communicate with my husband as it was when we were first married. In fact, it may even be more difficult now because in our communication we're both tempted to bring in that whole "record of wrongs" we're not supposed to keep.
I'm discouraged that I don't read my Bible more, serve more people at my church or in more capacities, follow through on burdens put on my heart from time to time, particularly the burden to write both here on the blog and personal notes of encouragement or thanks to others.
And, the greatest discouragement of all for me is quite the irony. It's that I'm discouraged!! Doesn't the Psalm say,
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
I'm discouraged that my children are so hateful and disrespectful toward each other and me and their father. I'm then discouraged as I consider that LA and I have sadly set that example for them.
I'm discouraged that I have gained 5 pounds in the last several months. But, then I'm also discouraged that I can't be mature enough to not care, that my vanity is still so great that I obsess about the silly 5 pounds that likely few, if any notice. (Now you will. Ha!)
I'm discouraged by the lack of Christian witness I think my family displays when out in public: kids screaming and hitting each other, me screaming at them or being harsh. But, then I'm discouraged that I have chosen the lifestyle of homeschooling my children which forces us to be in each others' faces all. day. long and potentially creates more context for conflict and more temptation. This leads to the discouraging reminder that other families are homeschooling their (more than 3) children and have a rather peaceful co-existence. They even ENJOY one another's company. When out in public, they are pleasant, smiling, or at very least not drawing all kinds of negative "press" to the homeschooling community.
I'm discouraged by my inconsistency to keep in touch with family members and friends. But, then I realize I'm still trying to figure out how to keep my own little nuclear family clothed and fed most days. That thought discourages me to consider I am 8 years into this mothering thing and STILL haven't figured out how to juggle some rather simple balls of home management AND keep some semblance of relationship with those outside my four walls.
I'm discouraged when I spend too much time on Facebook, twitter or emailing at the apparent neglect of my family's needs, which are obviously great as evidenced by their hateful and disrespectful speech and actions toward one another.
I'm discouraged that after 10 years of marriage, it remains almost as difficult to communicate with my husband as it was when we were first married. In fact, it may even be more difficult now because in our communication we're both tempted to bring in that whole "record of wrongs" we're not supposed to keep.
I'm discouraged that I don't read my Bible more, serve more people at my church or in more capacities, follow through on burdens put on my heart from time to time, particularly the burden to write both here on the blog and personal notes of encouragement or thanks to others.
And, the greatest discouragement of all for me is quite the irony. It's that I'm discouraged!! Doesn't the Psalm say,
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
my Savior and my God.
So this is one of those life-long, ongoing battles I face and have been facing rather acutely in the last several months. Where do I go with these thoughts? By God's grace, because of His goodness and mercy that runs hard after me day after day, I am not satisfied to let them sit and fester negativity and anxiety in my mind. I do not want these oft repeated, discouraging thoughts to lead me down to the pit of despair where I have been before and never want to go again. Though, I will admit that the temptation to give in to discouragement is STRONG.
So, where do I go?
Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
Psalm 40:12, 13
God will complete the good work He's begun in me. (Philippians 1:6)
God loves my children more than I love my children, and He is able to begin and complete His good work in them as well.
God's grace is greater than my sin, greater than the sin of my children, greater than my weaknesses and shortcomings. I have two quotes hanging on my kitchen cabinet doors that I look to often lately.
God specializes in using ordinary people whose limitations and weaknesses make them ideal showcases for His greatness and glory. taken from "Biblical Womanhood in the Home" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss
God is always bigger than the need. Believing that God is bigger than your situation produces passion in your praise. (And, because of my shortcomings and weaknesses, I can't properly site the source for this.)
So, where do I go?
- I pray.
Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
Psalm 40:12, 13
- I sing.
- I remind myself of what is true, lovely, pure, excellent, praiseworthy.
God loves my children more than I love my children, and He is able to begin and complete His good work in them as well.
God's grace is greater than my sin, greater than the sin of my children, greater than my weaknesses and shortcomings. I have two quotes hanging on my kitchen cabinet doors that I look to often lately.
God specializes in using ordinary people whose limitations and weaknesses make them ideal showcases for His greatness and glory. taken from "Biblical Womanhood in the Home" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss
God is always bigger than the need. Believing that God is bigger than your situation produces passion in your praise. (And, because of my shortcomings and weaknesses, I can't properly site the source for this.)
- I talk
Admittedly, I've been doing less of this lately, and perhaps that is contributing to my overall sense of gloom and doom these past few months. Nevertheless, I do seek out my community of fellow believers in Christ and share the ways in which I'm tempted to give in to discouragement. I ask for prayer. So often God will use others to encourage me with perspective, hope and encouragement to keep fighting the good fight, keep believing in God to be greater than my circumstances.
- I journal
Just recently LA came home, and I asked for just a half hour after dinner to sit at our local Target with a cup of coffee and journal. Because he's an amazing husband and very kind to me, he happily obliged knowing it would be for his good as well as mine for me to get away for a bit and journal. I had what I call a "heart dump" to the Lord. Via stream of consciousness, I wrote down all the burdens, anxieties, perplexities, concerns in my head and heart at the time. I believe it was 4 pages long, a list of the gazillion things in my teeny world concerning me that my God is MORE than sufficient to carry.
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
let my cry come to you!
2 Do not hide your face from me
in the day of my distress!
let my cry come to you!
2 Do not hide your face from me
in the day of my distress!
Incline your ear to me;
answer me speedily in the day when I call!
answer me speedily in the day when I call!
Psalm 102
- I listen
On the occasion that I don't have a child helping me prepare dinner, I will listen to a sermon online. I often go to desiringgod.org where I will scroll through the abundance of audio sermons by one of my favorite preachers, John Piper. Here's the one I listened to tonight (a re-listen):
- I wait
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!
Psalm 27:14
I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry.
Psalm 40:1
It's not a passive wait but a desperately humble one knowing ultimately it is God who must prevail upon my heart, upon my affections and mind. But I trust in Him and His Word. He says that no one whose hope is in Him will be put to shame. So, by God's grace, I will persevere. I will give thanks. I will look for the good, hope in Him, strive to see my life and circumstances through the lens of faith. And, by God's grace I will again be encouraged.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark.
That looks on tempests and is never shaken...
William Shakespeare
Looking at old pictures and a notebook full of sentiment and sap from our 'courting' days, I couldn't help but laugh just a little. At the time I penned so many words to Lawrence, now my husband of 10 years, then just a boy I thought I loved. I'm good for words, lots of words. I speak them. I write them. But, it's actions that count, isn't it?
And, for 10 years, it's been Lawrence's actions that have spoken louder than his few words, though his words are priceless, too. (For the record, he still has the best pick up lines ever, and they work every time.)
We thought we knew each other when we said, "I do." There was so much knowing yet to discover. And it certainly wasn't all pretty or enjoyable. We've seen the ugliest there is to see in a person. Anger.Bitterness.Betrayal.Selfishness.
We've had some really dark moments, some brought on by our own sin and others brought simply by the Sovereign Hand of God. So, how did we get to 10 years--two of the most opinionated (and always of differing opinions), prideful, stubborn people on the planet.
Marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ with His church. Christ lays down his life for His Bride, the church, and the church joyfully submits to the leadership of Christ, no matter the cost, assured of His love for her. Have we demonstrated this so well through our marriage? Not perfectly, probably not even well. But, we are trying.
We keep forgiving. We keep persevering. We keep suffering long. We keep looking to the One who does love perfectly. We keep covering over a multitude of sins because that's the only way we're going to get to 20 years and 30, 40 and should we both live long enough, 50 and 60!
For now, I'm just beyond ecstatic to be celebrating 10 years married to Lawrence Noe Almengor not because it's been better than I could have asked or imagined because, quite truthfully, it's been a nightmare at times. It's been a hard, hard road. It's been a fight to love and cleave and not look back. But, I celebrate because all that hard, all the fight, all the resolve to make this work is ALL because of God's abundant grace.
There is NO way we'd be here today if God had not set His affection on us, if He did not open our eyes to HIS great love that covers over a multitude of our own sins, freeing us to then in turn cover over a multitude of each other's sins.
I do love you, Lawrence. You are my man. I love that we have shared life's most gut wrenching moments together along with its greatest joys. I love your lines, and I am undone when I consider how you have asked God to allow me to die before you so you can "usher me into His arms." You have shown me great grace. You have done me great good. I thank God for you.
Happy 10 years of covenant love, Lawrence!
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