Sunday Night Summary, August 9, 2015

Reading: I'm nearing the end of "Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe," and am convinced I would be well served to read other books written by the co-authors of this one--the newly released book, "Longing for Paris" by Sarah Mae along with Sally Clarkson's "Own Your Life."

My biggest take away from "Desperate" has been to see the details of my life as unique and moreso, the "formula" needed to thrive as a wife and mother as unique as well. I have a tendency to look at the lives of others who I esteem or judge as thriving in their roles of wife and mother and try to imitate aspects of what I see them doing, thinking that doing so will make me thrive.  Only, it doesn't work, and then I become frustrated, defeated, confused and can even despair.  

What this book is helping me to see and embrace, with the help of the Holy Spirit, is that who I am, who my husband is, who each of my children are all add up to a unique situation here with a unique mixture of temperaments and needs, preferences, desires, goals and ways of achieving those goals.

It requires me to slow down long enough to observe MY family, to listen and pray, to try things that may seem counter intuitive, to release my expectations on how to parent and what the outcomes may be of such parenting, and to adjust routines, priorities, and expectations in order to achieve the right mix of activity, rest, productivity and consumption our family needs to thrive to the best of its ability. 

Specifically, I am seeing increasingly how little I can actually give of my time, attention and resources to things and people outside my little family. When I say "little," I have to clarify that my idea of "little" is probably someone else's "a lot."  By nature, I am an ambitious person who all too often wants to be the answer to all the problems, meet all the needs of all the people everywhere, world round. I want to participate in all the ministries and start some new ones. I want to read all the books, watch all the documentaries, sign all the petitions, march in all the crusades...You get the idea. I kind of can't do that and serve my family well.
I know. I shouldn't have to read a book and be 11 years into this mothering thing before I figured that out. 

Nevertheless, there has been some grieving involved in this for me, but as I am cutting things out and saying no to opportunities, I am experiencing greater peace in my own heart, mind and soul which translates to a more peaceful home in general.  This is good. 

Eating: The kids were at something called "Action Camp" which is similar to VBS, only it's in the evening, and they are served dinner. Win for me on dinner prep. this week! 

I made a 7 layer salad at the start of the week and ate that pretty much all week long. Lawrence and I were able to catch dinner out, sans kids, Monday evening with a gift card to Friday's. Yay for gift cards. But, I gotta say; I'm sick of Friday's.

We typically have family pizza/movie night on Friday night each week. This week, it happened on Saturday, however, as Action Camp had their own family night to end the week.  

I have made a pizza twice now that LA and I have so enjoyed, he told me I should name it after he found out I made it up. So, here it is if you care to try it yourself.

Pizza Crust (I love the Earth's Pride brand I can buy at BJ's)
Jalapeno and Cilantro Monterey Jack Cheese (not something that is easy to find, but well worth it if you can find it!)
Cream Cheese or Greek Yogurt (your pick; both work well)
red onion
colored peppers
zucchini (optional)
mushrooms (optional)
bacon
mozzarella cheese, shredded

I like to pre-bake the crust at 475 for a few minutes to allow it to get a bit crusty, not crisp, just crusty. 

I mix the jalapeno/cilantro cheese with cream cheese or greek yogurt, equal parts, to make like a cheese 'paste.'  This will be the "sauce" for your pizza. 

You can pan fry or oven bake your bacon, whichever method you prefer. I used both regular bacon and turkey bacon for this, and both tasted great. So, do what is right for you.

I sauteed the red onion, peppers, zukes and shrooms, adding them to the saute pan in that order. The onions need a little more time to saute to the point of caramelizing. I also prefer my zukes and shrooms to not get too mushy. So, I throw them in later in the sauteing process.

To assemble pizza, spread the cheese 'paste' onto the crust. Pile on the sauteed veggies. Break up bacon pieces on top of veggies. Finally, sprinkle mozzarella cheese on top to bind all that veggie/bacon goodness together. Yum!

Doing: 
It felt like a slower paced week for us.
The kids attended Action Camp in the evenings, though Tucker had to miss two days for running random, low grade fevers for a day and a half. They were so out of the blue with no other symptoms, but I have my own theory about this.

We were two days without the Pilot again this week which meant hitching a ride to musical practice on Monday and otherwise being home bound for Monday and Tuesday.  

Plans I had for the boys to participate in a Minecraft Mania event at one of our local libraries on Tuesday were cancelled, and a swimming get together scheduled for Wednesday was also cancelled for a variety of reasons. 

Tucker's fever prevented us from getting together with friends who wanted to drop in on Thursday and also a scheduled creek play day at our house with friends on Friday. 

A lot of cancelled plans for the boys' "Week of Birthday," which is typically hugely disappointing for all of us, but I wonder if my kids, along with me,  have been needing some down time, some space, quiet, rest, even boredom to get a grip on our relating with each other and seeing how much having no plans can afford us within our home and with each other. 

The boys and I pulled out a game they received for Christmas and finally learned how to play, Settlers of Catan. We set the board up on Monday and played a little each day.
I played cards with Bella several times. 

I was on top of my laundry, even managing to fold it and put it away all week long!  I spoke with my sister, sister-in-law and mom on the phone, something I just do not make time to do typically. I read. We swam. I napped. 

I even managed to log close to 14 miles this week in my running shoes. My goal has been 13. 

Surprisingly, I enjoyed the semi-secluded life this week, aspects of it anyway. With the increased focus and peace, however, came some unsettling temptations for me personally. 

Having to cancel plans or just not have many in place this week, I realized that I often initiate with others for the fear that I will be forgotten otherwise.
Hard to admit that, but it's true.

God has definitely been putting His finger on that in my life lately--this fear of being forgotten or left out. I know I am not alone. FOMO is a "thing" I didn't create but apparently "suffer" from. 

Thursday night, I attended a parenting course, called "Trust Based Parenting," LA and I are going through with some friends of ours. The sessions we watched and discussed this week were immediately applied and benefited from in our home and parenting.  

Though not always easy to implement, they are simple changes really.  Get down on eye level with your child. Give eye contact and request eye contact from your child. Use a soft tone of voice and gentle touches.  It may not sound all that profound, but the affects have been profound!

Too often, I am barking orders from another room in the house. I am breaking up fights happening in the basement while I continue to cook in the kitchen. I am "listening" to my son tell me all about his Lego creation while I scroll my Instagram feed. This can work for some kids and even my kids some of the time. But, what I am communicating to my children through my body language is that they are not enough of a priority in that moment to go to them, to give them eye contact and my full attention and patience.

Today, I tried another way, this method of parenting, with one of my children who absolutely lost control of herself in the car ride home from church. She (I guess you can tell who I'm talking about, huh, using "she"?) screamed at the top of her lungs over and over and banged on the window because she missed seeing a roadside attraction we occasionally drive by on our way to and from church.
Totally inappropriate behavior for a 8.5 year old. Absolutely disproportionate response for the circumstance.

Typically, I may have yelled, or tried to yell over top of my daughter to tell her to NOT SCREAM at something like that. Or, I would let her know that she would be receiving some form of discipline at home for the way she just over reacted.

Today, I remained quiet and calm. I asked LA to pull the car over. When he did, I calmly unbuckled my seat belt, turned around in my seat to look directly at my daughter. She covered her mouth as though I was about to flick her for screaming, another thing I have sadly done in the past. In a calm tone of voice, I simply told her that I understood it was disappointing to not have seen "the lady" but that her screaming was not appropriate, and she was not demonstrating the self control she should for that circumstance.
That's it.

She acknowledged and affirmed what I said.
I asked her to apologize to everyone in the car for screaming and ask for forgiveness for not having self control.
She did. And, that was that. Done.
No screaming match, no escalating behaviors from any of us. No further correction or punishment needed. 

If I allow pride to reign in my heart, I can be embarrassed to admit that I am applying these kinds of good parenting procedures as a result of watching this course's videos when in reality so much of what I am doing is just obeying what God has told us to do all along...Love is PATIENT, KIND, GENTLE, NOT RUDE OR SELFISH. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. 
Yeah, apparently that makes for good parenting, too.

Friday night, we all enjoyed the end of Action Camp Family Night at Christ Fellowship Church. Free Chic Fil-A dinner, Kona Ices, inflatable bouncy and water Slides, face painting and tug of war. 

Saturday is typically a work day for us here at Montford. We mowed, weeded, had some intensive bathroom cleaning training and prepared our home to host LA's family today for our monthly Sunday Family lunch.  We ended our work day with a dip at our friends' pool who so generously allow us use of their glorious pool and property. It is a little taste of Heaven at MistyGlen Farm, and we are always so blessed to spend some time there. Lucky for us, they are just five minutes' drive from our house.

Today, we celebrated the boys' 11th birthday with LA's family. I can really, hardly believe they are 11. I am loving, though, watching them grow independent, more responsible and articulate.  We enjoyed one of their favorites, macaroni and cheese, along with meatball sandwiches, sauteed green beans, and black bean taco dip. For dessert, Judah had a chocolate ice cream cake, and Tucker savored one of his favorites, lemon meringue pie. 

Looking ahead: 
We will be working on Bella taking her new medication. It's a capsule, and she wasn't having it. We tried tonight very unsuccessfully. We are taking a step back and practicing with smaller pieces of candy. Hopefully, she'll be taking her new medicine like a champ this time next week.
Also on the health front, Judah will have a follow up with his eye surgeon.
I am looking forward to running a 5K at a local vineyard next Sunday night, Boordy Vineyard. Running and wine--two of my favorites together. Awesome!

Sunday Night Summary

It occurred to me recently as I spoke with a friend that I often need to "mind dump" in order to feel situated mentally. Same holds true of my emotions. I just need to get it out.
I journal quite a bit, but not as much as I like. 
I think about my family all the time but don't communicate with any of them consistently, even my mom. Sorry, mom.
I also have  not been writing consistently in this space, and I think it is partly due to me over thinking it. Listening to a podcast today with Maria Popova, author of famed blog, "Brain Pickings," which I admit I have never read, something she said struck a cord with me. She said that in order for a person's writing to be sustainable over the long haul, one should always write, in whatever medium, for one's self.

For these reasons and more, I thought I would start and hopefully, sustain, a "Sunday Night Summary" series here on my blog. I know myself well enough to know I will not write every Sunday night. I just won't. The only thing I am consistent with is inconsistency. I lie. I brush my teeth every day. Without fail. A part from that, there is just little else I do consistently that isn't necessary for my survival of course.  

But, I am hoping to tap out a *brief* (if this is possible for me) summary of my week

• to serve as a mind dump, a type of mental closure on my week. This is for me more than anyone who might read my blog. 
• to send to my family so they can at least have heard something from me on what's going on in my world.
• to write something here on the blog consistently.

Onto the inaugural Sunday Night Summary!

We'll go with categories for brevity's sake. 

Reading: "Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe" by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. In the chapter entitled, "Taming the Beast of Housework," Sally points out that, " a happy mom is a real gift for her children."  I am not the picture of a happy mom. I am grumpy a lot as I carry out my duties as a wife, mom and home maker. I become particularly grumpy about messes.

I know I am not alone in this struggle. But just because it is a common temptation for many a momma does not mean that I want to remain in this place. I want to find that gentle balance of having an orderly home environment while maintaining joy and peace in our hearts and relationships with one another. What good is an outwardly, orderly home when inwardly, we are all striving and embittered toward one another?

I appreciated her last thoughts of the chapter on creating a haven. No need to ditch my desire for order and cleanliness. I just have to learn how to motivate myself and my children in life giving ways. She suggests listening to an audio book , playing loud music, or setting timers with a promised reward at the conclusion of that time. I often do this for myself, but it has not often occurred to me to do this for my children.

I love how Sally motivates her reader to try a mentality and approach toward housework that will lighten everyone's mood by saying, "Adding color and interest into the tasks of life significantly diminishes that weight of stress and refills my soul to keep going."

Eating: For this category, I'll say that I was able to make my monthly trip to BB's on Saturday with a friend this time. This is an activity I look forward to each month. I love the thrill of finding great food at amazing prices and walking out with the immense satisfaction that I am saving my family a lot of money. This is good because I cost my family a lot of money in other areas of life, like car repairs....and oh boy, have we had a lot going on in that department lately. 

The deal I was most excited about this month? Organic Almond Butter for $2.00 and Neumann-O's (like Oreos but organic) for $1.49. Woo Hoo!!

Doing:
We had a very full week, having opportunities to hang out with many friends.
The kids had musical practice on Monday afternoon. I love when they sing the songs from the musical in the car and practice them at home. I love that my boys still have young boy voices. They are still "my babies" for a little while longer. 

Tuesday, we headed down to the Annapolis area to hang with some buds from Speech Club, the Logan's. We met another family there who is thinking about joining speech, the husband of which is a race horse trainer. That was quite fascinating to hear about his work. 

The kids swam all afternoon while I had the opportunity to hear more about Rachael's life in South Africa (this is where she grew up and lived until just several years ago). She told me about foods and other parts of her culture she misses along with the story of how God revealed Himself and the truth about Jesus to her when she was a college student. She actually came to know Christ through an event that Campus Crusade held on her campus. Oh, it made me miss my days on staff with Cru and long for another season of ministry like that. Maybe one day again. Maybe. 

That evening, our family joined a few other families to begin a four week course on "Trust Based Parenting."  We are seeking to support friends of ours who are preparing to become foster parents, and we are also looking for some parenting help for ourselves with some of the issues we face here with our own three who qualify as "kids from hard places" given the way they all experienced "trauma" at birth in their own individual ways. 

Wednesday, our Pilot was taken to the mechanic for some maintenance and to look at a tire and steering, both of which we have noticed some problems.  I thought I was going to be getting the Pilot back at the end of the day, but lo and behold our mechanic didn't even look at it that day. Ugh!

That evening, I hosted "Gather" for the 2nd month. I have invited a few of my neighbors who I have come to know over the last year or two to join me in my home once a month for a few bites to eat, sips to drink and thoughtful conversation about family and faith.  This month, two friends were able to come, and we had a great time chatting it up.  

Thursday, my plans were totally rearranged for the day given I had no car again. My friend, Meghan, kindly invited us to swim at her in-laws' pool and picked us up to boot.  The kids had a fantastic time swimming in what we counted was the 6th pool they have swam in this summer, until we heard thunder. Then it was a scramble to get out of the pool, dried off and into Meghan's car before it dumped on us. Dump it did. We pulled up to my house with the rain coming down hard. 

Because it was raining so hard, Meghan ended up hanging out at our house with her kids, and I had Judah call the library to let them know he wouldn't make it to "work" that afternoon. I love that he is volunteering at the library this summer. What a great life experience this has been for him, and I have loved catching a glimpse at the independence, responsibilities and growth that is coming down the road for my three.  

Friday, we were supposed to check out a local swimming hole with some friends, but because I still didn't have the Pilot back, those friends came to us, and we all swam at Mr. Harry's (my neighbor) pool. Mid afternoon, we all loaded up into Tiffany's van and headed to our local library for a program put on  by the Franklin Institute about space. It was so well done, and I even learned a few new things like how astronauts shower in space. Do you know?  

Friday night, after Lawrence retrieved our Pilot from the mechanic, we had our family pizza/movie night.  This week we watched "Star Wars."

Saturday, I went to BB's with a friend which took up a large chunk of my day. On my way home, 

the Pilot's steering went awry and dash lights came on. I pulled over, put my hazards on and called LA. Long story short, we are looking at another repair, and I am without my car for another four days. Grr..

With the unexpected curve ball of dealing w/ the car, we weren't sure if we were going to have time to pull off having three families to our home that evening for a fire/cookout we had planned.  But, our friends were gracious, helped us get things together and helped by bringing food and drinks. 

We had 14 kiddos, 8 adults and a lot of fun sitting around the fire, making smores, cracking jokes and talking about all things from the best Netflix murder mystery series to really weird church experiences to how in the world we are going to parent our children who are growing up too fast. 

I haven't enjoyed hosting this many people at one time this much in a long time, which was rather surprising given how busy my week had already been and all the craziness with our car. Maybe Lawrence and I  are finding a groove with hosting.  

One thing I am learning to do to make hosting large groups not only possible but also enjoyable for me is to ask for help both in bringing food/drink and getting it all ready and dispensed to everyone. I am also learning to Keep It Simple, Silly.  Hot dogs, salsa, chips, watermelon, and smores was all we needed. Easy Peezy. 

Today, I stayed home from church because LA only has the capacity for four people to ride in his car. I opted to stay home and rest. I decided with a quiet house for a few hours, I would finally start in on some of the painting projects I wanted to devote my summer to doing. 

I spray painted four chairs that will go around our dining table. They are four different colors, fall-ish colors that coordinate with the colors in our curtains for that room.  I also painted a trunk we have had for years and years. We bought it at a thrift store. It was hunter green with $19.99 written in sharpie on top of the lid. It is now orange and will sit in our school room at the foot of our leather chair in there to house the kids' games and allow for feet to be plopped on top.

We ended our week playing a card games with the kids, LA reading an article to the kids about redemption in suffering, and I read the next chapter from our current read aloud, "The Green Ember." 

And, now the house is entirely quiet except for the hum of fans and the sound machine and the clickety-clack of me typing. Ah, this is my favorite hour of all. And, it's not even midnight yet. Hoorah!!

Looking Ahead: It's WEEK OF BIRTHDAY here for the boys. They will wake up 11 year olds tomorrow!!

I am not the best at celebrating with pomp and circumstance, but I am praying that I will put the perpetually running, mental to-do list on "pause" and focus on really entering into the celebration of my boys' lives and the gift they are to me, our family and others. 

Father's Day

I'm a little late to the game. I usually am. Nevertheless, I wanted to document a thought, just one, I ruminated on regarding my hubby yesterday, Father's Day. 

There was a plethora of  touching tributes to fathers and pictures of dads with their children as I scrolled through my facebook and instagram feeds yesterday. But, I remained silent.  I am not sure entirely why I do this. Mother's Day, Father's Day, people's birthdays. I freeze up. There's always been something about these days having hints of obligation behind one's card, gift or words of well wishes that just keep me at a distance.
I know. I have issues. Let's just move on.

The one thing, the most pronounced and really important thing that makes my husband an amazing father is simply this: he loves us when we are unlovable. He has demonstrated this to me more times than I could enumerate over the thirteen years that we have been married. He is now demonstrating this to our children with a steadfastness that seems impenetrable at times. He is not perfect in this, of course, but he perseveres with some unlovely creatures here in our home at times. 

He is patient and soft-toned many times. He comes alongside us in our emotional pits and encourages us, cheers us on, and reminds us Whose we are, that God loves us, and that we also love God and want to live for Him. And, he makes us laugh when the air becomes just a little too thick for comfort with intense emotion. He lightens the mood and enlivens our hearts to love one another again.

He is a picture of Jesus to us in this characteristic of his fatherhood and as a spouse. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Thank you, Lawrence, for demonstrating some serious love to me, your wife, and to our children, at our most unlovely moments. 

A Sunday Prayer

After a week where it seemed that so many who are dear to me were suffering or in turmoil of various kinds, I arrived to church this morning feeling so very desperate, broken, and in great need. 

As we sang "Our God Reigns,"  I prayed and pleaded with God. 

Perhaps you are in a similar place and need words to replace the groans which is all that seems to come these days.  Here are a few of mine I share with you. Let's pray and trust the Lord hears the cries of the righteous and delivers them from all their trouble. 

Break cycles of bondage.
Be bigger, Jesus. 
Pour out resurrection power to overcome all that seeks to steal, kill and destroy. 
Do not hold darkness at bay; push it back.
Show Your might and mercy, your kindness, compassion and power. 

Shake us. Uproot all that needs uprooting. 
Make us fertile soil. 
Bring a harvest through the pain of this. 

Be our rock of refuge that stands firm.
Be not moved in our shaking.

May we not return evil for evil,
injustice for injustice, 
disrespect and hatred for disrespect and hatred. 

Help us to do good and not withhold, 
to love You and out of that love to go the extra mile, 
to be inconvenienced, 
to lay up for ourselves treasures in Heaven rather than on this earth, 
to be led by Your Spirit and bear the fruits of Your Spirit. 

Fill us as you empty us.
Fill us with Your love that is selfless,
with your grace that does unto others what we would have done unto ourselves. 

Give us empathy, a pause to think and feel for another. 

Fill us with gentleness 
and joy
and peace 
and faithfulness. 

Thank You that You do good unto all who love you, who call upon your name.
Thank You that You will not put your people to shame. 

The Monday After

There was a sense of let down when I woke up this morning. 
What now?
What for today?
Easter celebrations are over. 

I am having to remind myself that Easter celebrations for me, a Christian, are never over. 
Today, I celebrate afresh, again and for always--
     Christ is risen from the dead, 
     Trampling over death by death

I walk out onto my stone porch, leaving my over-sized sliding glass door open behind me so I can hear the words to Matt Maher's "Christ is Risen" blaring from our speaker and with my arms stretched out wide, eyes scanning the trees to search for buds of life amidst the dead limbs, I defiantly declare, 
     O death, where is your sting?
     O hell, where is your victory?
     O Church, come stand in the light.
     The glory of God has defeated the night. 

So today, when I am tempted to give in to discouragement, loneliness and let down, I resolve to remember, "God has defeated the night." Any night of the soul over me has no welcome and no claim on me; it has been defeated. 
I will persist to proclaim it. 
I will believe it. 

And when I walk the yard and fear the life of plants and bushes was stolen from this past winter, one of the coldest Maryland has seen in decades, I will purpose to pay mind to the life that remains and praise the One who gives life, sustains life and calls awake what lies dormant and dead. 

What's so good about Good Friday?

At just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might dare to die. 

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Since we have now been justified by His blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through Him!       Romans 5

What other god has done this or would do this? 

The God, who justly could pour out His wrath on us, full fury, because of our selfishness, our shortcomings, our laziness and our living for ourselves.

This is the same God who saves us, rescues us, justifies us, makes us right by Himself? 

How?

His own Son's blood. 

His Son, 

whom He loved and shared perfect communion with, 

who never did any wrong, 

who only ever chose to do the right thing. Every time. 

who obeyed even to the point of death. On a cross.

This selfless Son He gives up for us. 

What other god does this?

Demands a sacrifice and then provides the most spotless, perfect sacrifice History has ever known--on this day we remember as Good Friday. 

Good indeed for all those who flee to the merciful covering, the justly justifying, the never failing love of Jesus's blood.

Spring Will Come

“Anna just puked again” read the text from my friend, Jo, who was up the entire night before with Anna who, in total, threw up 20 times and only stopped retching due to the modern, medical help of anti-nausea medicine.  This is the second time this winter the stomach virus has fallen upon my friend's home.

And, I know Jo’s experience is not an isolated one.

I have a Southern friend, Amy, who has fought to find activities to keep her two boys busy while they have waited out TEN days of cancelled school, called off due to snow and ice covered roads that Nashville is simply not equipped to handle.

As I write this post, my daughter lays on the kitchen banquette beside me, sniffing and just plain worn out from fighting some kind of sinus cold despite how diligent I have been to avoid sugar, get enough rest and  pump our bodies with all varieties of immune boosting supplements.

It is finally March, the month that spring officially arrives, but we have been ready for the end of winter for at least a month now. Yes?

I adopted a mantra to help keep me from complaining. That mantra is, "Spring will come."  I figured it has come every year; it will come again. Renewal, rejuvenation, rebirth. It will all come.

Yet, we endure winter in the midst of our longing for spring.

I think many of us are longing not just for a literal spring but also for a spiritual spring--a renewal, rejuvenation and rebirth of the soul.

The winter of this fallen earth is evident: 

      Headlines of heads being chopped off for refusing to embrace hate.

      Outbreaks of a disease that has been relatively contained for decades drawing dividing lines of hate between the vaxxer’s and “anti-vaxxers.” 

      Hate taking on the guise of love, attraction and romance in a book series turned movie that many flock to see.

Positive thinking only gets us so far, and it just does not erase these realities.  

I have thought, "OH, Jesus, how I LONG for spring....not just the spring that brings daffodils and daisies but the spring that brings YOU again, the spring that ushers in the new earth and new heaven, new bodies for those who are in Christ, the new Kingdom of His righteous reign."

Spring will come. It will.

There is something, rather someONE who will take us farther than self affirmations.  

There is someONE who will take all the wrongs of this world and one day make it right,

who will call all evil to account,

who will fully and finally shackle all that shackles us,

who will burst on the scene with more brilliance than any row of azaleas ever could display.

His name is Jesus.

And, he came to earth once. We celebrate His first coming at Christmas.
We are now looking forward to Easter when we remember Christ’s dying and rejoice at His resurrection because it assures us that death has been conquered, eternal life in Heaven with Him is possible, spring will come again.

What is in my heart and what I have tried to communicate in this post is perhaps more succinctly and poetically expressed in the lines taken from one of our family's favorite series, "The Chronicles of Narnia", 

Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.
― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

We WILL have spring again. 

A Meditation on Psalm 57

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in You my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.                   Psalm 57:1

The storms will pass
Though they rage now.
You have a refuge
If to Him you'll bow.

It is God, the Creator
Who gives you shelter.
Under His wings
Hide from the helter skelter

Tell your soul
It is secure and safe,
Sheltered in God's mercy
That He will not abate.

What God Asks and Never Asks of His Own

God asks His children to endure hard, hard things,
Painful things,
To endure long periods of unknowns
Without answers or relief.

God asks us to have courage and be strong,
To trust Him
and lean not on our own understanding.

God asks us to take on things that are out of our comfort zone--
That hurt and stretch us.

God asks us to give things up,
To surrender,
To lean on Him.

God asks us hard, hard things.


But He NEVER has
And never will ask us
To be without Him through any of it.

We always, always have His presence.

We always, always have His power to overcome.

We always have His name to call on,
His promises to lean on.

We always have His wisdom guiding,
His Spirit abiding.

We always, always have the Father's perfect love
To cast out every fear.

We always have His favor,
His acceptance,
Affection,
His attention.

WE always, always have Him.

The Unity Fight

Scene 1:

"Who ate my bagel?" inquires son number 2 angrily and then proceeds to accuse his brother of devouring what was left on the plate while son #2 briefly slipped away to use the bathroom.  Brother, being wrongfully accused, punches son number 2 in the lip.

Screaming ensues. Peeved mom intervenes.

Scene 2:

Son number 1 informs his sister loudly, "THAT'S NOT YOURS! I GOT IT FOR CHRISTMAS. GIVE IT BACK NOW!!!" Sister pulls the lego closer to herself, turning slightly away from her irritated brother. "May I play with it for just a few minutes?" she respectfully pleads.

"You may play with it as long as I'm right here with you. But when I'm ready to go outside, you have to put it back in its place," consents son number 1 kindly.

After watching the play by play closely, mom resumes washing the dishes, joyful that her children fought to work it out on their own.

I trust that any parent reading this can smile and nod, recognizing the two scenes I described. And, I would also bet that any parent would much prefer the latter scene over the first. Sibling harmony does indeed equate parental bliss.

This crossed my mind today around 11 a.m. when I realized my children had gone nearly all morning playing peaceably side by side, working together toward a common goal: building a super-duper, cool, train track.

Recently, the Lord quickened to my mind how, like me, HE delights when HIS kids live their lives peaceably side by side, working together toward a common goal, that of telling the world of His goodness and mercy toward sinners. He delights not just because our efforts toward accomplishing His purposes are much more effective, but because we, His children, are enjoying a part of the abundant life He died to give us!
You can read more about The Unity Fight over at Ungrind where my writing is being featured for the first time: http://ungrind.org/2015/unity-fight/

Wrist Pain is My Gain

Every morning, I try to take some time to sit and read from God's Word. I wipe the sleep from my eyes with a steaming cup of coffee, cream only please, and stare out the oversized, sliding glass doors to our stone porch, chicken coop and woodsy back yard. I love it. 

One morning recently, I turned to Matthew 28 and read, 

Now after the Sabbath, toward the dawn of the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to see the tomb. And behold, there was a great earthquake, for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothing white as snow. And for fear of him the guards trembled and became like dead men. But the angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay.

So they departed quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, and ran to tell his disciples. And behold, Jesus met them and said, “Greetings!” And they came up and took hold of his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, “Do not be afraid; go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee, and there they will see me.”

My heart thrills when it sees the red words, imagining the women's stunned delight to see Jesus post resurrection.

He's ALIVE!

As I read, however, and try to fully engage emotionally with this remarkable passage, my wrist burns with pain. The pain has moved a few inches up my arm since the last time my husband asked me about it. And on this morning it is distracting me from fixing my mind's eye and heart's emotions on the glories and reality of Jesus's resurrection. Rather, I find myself imagining all the things that could possibly be wrong with my wrist.

My imagining persists and within less than a minute, I am meditating on how young I will be when I receive the cancer diagnosis. You see, anyone who has died in my family, died from cancer. I think it's only a matter of time for me to receive such a sentence. 

I start mentally playing out a scenario where none of the few medical specialists I have seen about my wrist catch the cancer. I end up fighting a short battle and am dead before I can leave notes for all my children's rites of passages and secure a spouse for Lawrence. These meditations come so quickly; I am far too familiar with them. Can you tell?

A second scenario pops in my head of finding cancer early enough to do something about it. But, what am I going to do? What medical facility will I choose? Doctor? Conventional or alternative medicines and treatment?  How much will we be willing to pay?  How much time will we give to my health and a cure?  Will we send the kids to school?

Yup...this all happens in a flash. These are the musings that start my day. It takes just minutes, if that.
The mind is amazing, isn't it?

The Holy Spirit is more amazing and kind.
He gently stops my runaway train of unhelpful ponderings and prompts me to turn to the Psalms. 

150 chapters to choose from, I make a simple, straightforward choice because, really, I have had enough of complicated for at least 30 seconds.  I pick today's date, the 6th. I read Psalm 6 and in reading, my attention and heart are fully captured. I become enraptured afresh with my God who loves to lavish good gifts on His children and is profoundly aware of the personal details of my life.  

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;
    heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled.
     But you, O Lord—how long?
Turn, O Lord, deliver my life;
   save me for the sake of your steadfast love
For in death there is no remembrance of you;
    in Sheol who will give you praise?
The Lord has heard my plea;
    the Lord accepts my prayer.

That God would prompt me to THIS Psalm on THIS calendar day with the crazy thoughts swirling about in my mind is no coincidence. God is real, friends. And, He wants to speak to us in real ways, in ways that are practical and personal. 

This prayer of petition and praise reminds me that my Heavenly Father determines my path here on earth and I can trust Him. My mind flutters on faster than a hummingbird's wings trying to anticipate and plan for every possibility--but God comes and quiets me. 

His awareness of me quiets me. 

His love quiets me. 

The pain in my wrist is still present and persisting but I have turned to God. I look to Him for each next step.  I trust He will be gracious and gentle with me. He is in control, working all things together for my good.  I don't have to be smart enough or educate myself in order to be well taken care of.  I am in His arms, that are not only loving but all knowing!  

He knows exactly what is going on in my body.  He can heal me. He can show me the healers whom He may want to use. I believe that He will preserve me that I might praise Him, magnify His power and declare His reign over all things and His love that is like no other.

Perhaps, friend, you are in similar circumstances. Your body, mind, soul or all three are in some sort of turmoil or pain. Your mind races with what to do, where to go, who to talk to, how to find answers and peace.
Go to God who is gentle, wise, patient and loving toward His own. Open up His Word from which He longs to reveal Himself to you. Allow yourself to be quieted by a renewed revelation of His love for you.

______________________

Sometimes God leaves us to mysteries, medical or otherwise. We have to wait and trust. But sometimes we receive answers and solutions to problems. 
After seeing a hand specialist about my wrist, it seems I have what is called "de quervians" which should improve over time by wearing a custom made splint to immobilize my wrist. 

The Unexpected Gifts of Chronic Pain

I just ended treatment with my chiropractor of the last 3 1/2 years, and I started sobbing. 
Yes--sobbing. 

Chronic pain has a way of taking you to a place of desperation and humility like very few other things can.  So when you find someone who relieves that pain even in minute ways, you give sincere thanks to God above and you think long and hard about ever parting ways with said care provider.

But, it was time. 

I have had pains creeping, now constant, in other joints without relief or any guess as to the cause. After waiting, praying, talking with others and trying once to leave, it came time to confidently end treatment with my current chiropractor in order to try yet another specialist with the hopes that a new set of eyes on my scans, my history and me will perhaps gain me more ground in recovering a pain- free body. 

But, I wonder often if my quest is a worthwhile one. How much money should I spend?  How many different specialists should I see? tests should be done?  Self doubt enters in and I beat myself up, (figuratively because you know, I'm kind of already feeling beat up enough physically) with thoughts of others who have "real" chronic pain (the kind that has a diagnosis). I think, 
I must just be a wimp or overly sensitive or too attune to my body.  
I'm too high-strung, and my character flaws are actually the root cause of my physical ailments. 
I think too much about myself and my body. I should pour myself out more into the pains and problems others are facing. 
I need to toughen up and deal with it; I am just getting older and this is life. 

And, you know what? All these thoughts MIGHT actually be true. But, it is of little consequence really because whatever the source of my (or your) pain might be, it is for us a context from which to live desperate.

Desperation is likely not on anyone's list of New Year's resolutions. It's not something most people aim for, pray for or welcome into their lives. But, out of desperation comes the sweetest intimacy one can experience, the most genuine experience of Immanuel, God with us, the One whose birth we just finished remembering and celebrating. 

We so often want to do anything and everything we can to rid our lives of pain whether it be physical, emotional or otherwise. We want to dismiss it, deny it or mask it but not press into it, feel it fully and allow it to just be present without answers or remedy to take it away.

But, one thing I have learned over the last seven years of  living with pain is that this thing that I would swiftly kick to the curb if I could, is the very thing that keeps me ever so close to Jesus. It is one of the most pronounced tools God uses in my life to draw my heart closer to His, to experience His abiding love for me, His mercy sustaining me, His ear bent to listen to my cries for help, His hands extending to be that help I need.

The pain that I often wish I could numb is the thing that keeps me from being numb to others' pain. In its height, it heightens my awareness of others' suffering. It fills me with great empathy. It fuels passionate prayers on behalf of others. The thing that I think is stealing my life away is actually what is making me live it more fully, more deeply, more keenly aware of what is worthwhile and eternal.

Today I am seeing a new-to-me doctor with the hopes that he will help me discover the causes and cure for some of the chronic pain I experience.  While I still hold out hope to lose the pain, I pray I will never lose the unexpected gifts pain has given me. 

Are you living with chronic pain, physical, emotional or spiritual?
I would love to pray for you.
No need to write specifics if you are not comfortable doing so; you could simply leave a comment of, "Yes," and I would be honored to pray for you today. May you, too, see and relish the unexpected gifts of chronic pain. 

A New Year's Call to Remember Who and Whose You Are

2015 is here--a new year. 
Many start each new year with fresh hope and vigor for changes they want to see occur in their lives or the lives of loved ones.  We step into this first day of January each year with hearts wide open and eyes expectant for good things, for prosperity, growth, forward movement. And, for many of us, this new year will hold some of that. For some of us, 2015 will be a banner year, a year worth celebrating, sharing and recalling for all of time. For some of us, we are going to come to the end of 2015 (it will happen), and we'll bid it "good riddance." It is most probable, however, that for all of us, 2015 will hold a mixture of both. Just like 2014, '13, '12 and all years past, life will bring circumstances that thrill us and fulfill us, but it could also bring us events that dash dreams and send sucker punches. 

For all of us, in whatever 2015 brings,
Whether it be suffering or success, 
Blessing upon blessing or 
Burden heaped upon burden, 
Whether you fall prey to the hands of injustice
Or gain ground in making peace in relationships.
Whether God answers your heart's cry with a solid, "Yes," "Wait a little longer," or even a, "No,"
Whether you greet each morning with cheer 
Or end each day in sorrow, 
Remember this:
Call to mind what God says is true of you and Him in Isaiah 43:

"You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am He.  Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me.  I, I am Lord, and besides me there is no Savior. I declared and saved and proclaimed, when there was no strange god among you; and you are my witnesses," declares the Lord," and I am God.  Also henceforth I am He; there is none who can deliver from my hand; I work, and who can turn it back?"