Balance

Balance.  

We’d all agree we need it. We’d all agree it’s something to strive for in life.

I wasn’t born for balance. I am wired for extremes it seems.  Swinging from one end of the pendulum to the next is something very familiar to me no matter the context. But, I am making concerted effort at finding balance in my life. The irony of that statement is not lost on me. Note: “concerted effort” connotes extreme.  Even in my trying to find balance, I operate from my tendency toward extremism. I find this comical at best, frustrating, defeating and hopeless at worst.

Since July, the same month we moved into our new home, I have been experiencing a physical hardship that is perplexing to many.  The skin on my eyelids, lips and a small orbital spot on my inner elbow has all been red, itchy, burning at times, flaky at other times, inflamed, swollen and mildly to wildly painful.

I have seen the dermatologist twice, optometrist once, read online forums, and consulted friends and family. I have tried various creams, facial washes along with washing regimens and leaving it alone. I began taking a probiotic and even have applied a stinky oil, called “Neem Oil”. It smells like garlic! I haven’t made out with my husband in months!  L

Could it be allergies? Maybe.  Could it be autoimmune? I think it might. Could it be something in our home and/or property that I’m responding adversely to? Yes, yes it could. Could it be stress manifesting itself in a rather painful, ugly form, declaring to all who set eyes on me, “This woman is way over her head in life and needs H.E.L.P.?” Probably is.

These are all the things I have heard as I've polled the field. And, here's where my mind goes...
I could see an allergist who would likely set up an appointment to do allergy testing. What if that's not conclusive? He may ask me to try elimination diets. What food would I eliminate first and how many do I eliminate before I conclude it's not a food allergy?

I could see an infectious disease doctor or an immunologist who would prescribe his own battery of tests. More appointments. More wait and see.  And, what if it is autoimmune?  I'm not going to hop on prescription medicine before I try a more natural approach via diet and lifestyle changes. And, what might that entail? How long would that take before I would be willing to try prescriptions?

What if it is something in my home that I'm allergic to?  What then? Air purification? Water treatment? Mold remediation? Sell our dream home and move?

My mind is spinning at this point and balance is NOWHERE to be found.
So, stress then is a very likely candidate. Nullifying all the other possibilities? No, but certainly compounding the problem.

Oh, this vicious cycle I can find myself in whenever dealing with unknown health issues or any unknown really.

God has been kind and persevering with me over the years, though, and I think there's been some movement toward a more godly, balanced response to unknowns. It is probably still not my "knee jerk" response, but I'm moving closer.  I push the "stop" button on the thoughts with which I can barely keep up, take a deep breath, and  pray. I affirm that God is in control and I am not, that He loves me and will not withhold His good from me.  I ask Him to reveal JUST the next step to me and provide what I need to take it.

And, then I do all that over again. and again. and again.


**I began pecking out this post a week ago, at a “breaking point” with my eyes. I was hurting so much physically and really having a difficult time persevering with it in my soul. I needed to get typing. It’s a catharsis for me.  I did see my general practitioner this week who thinks what I have going on with my skin is not a systemic issue because it’s so localized and specific. So, he suggested I try one of the creams that had worked temporarily for me before, along with taking fish oil by capsule and using vitamin E oil topically.  After 5 days of this regimen, my skin is feeling and looking much, much better. I’m grateful.

Open House at Montford

We had a delightful open house this past Saturday. The kids, LA's dad and LA all pitched in to help pull things together in our yard and home. My friend, De, shared of her wealth, both in resources and experience to help me bring order and beauty to our day. She gave me the idea for chalk board painting some moving boxes and arranging them around the house for our guests to do self guided tours.  We scoured her barn and garage to come up with our food table, recycle/trash bins, and adirondak chairs scattered throughout our yard.

The morning of our open house, De came with flowers and brownies even though she herself wasn't able to attend! I want to be like De when I "grow up."  She walked my yard, cut some fresh hydrangeas and roses and purposefully placed them around our home. I've learned a lot from her over the years, and I've still got a lot to learn. I was grateful for another opportunity to glean from all her years of extending exemplary hospitality.

LA and I were so grateful to have many friends join us on Saturday, and we're looking forward to many years to come of extending hospitality from this home! Here are a few snapshots from our day: 

Snapshot memories of 224 Ferring Court

It's the last night we'll spend as a family sleeping at 224 Ferring Court. It's 10:30 pm and I have this house entirely ready to go for the movers tomorrow. I'm pretty darn thrilled about that fact.

Though I am a self professing, over the top emotional woman, I am not by nature sentimental. Figure that one out. So I haven't cried about leaving the first house I bought as a married woman or that I brought my babies home to.  And, I'm likely not going to cry as I type out these snapshots of memories I have of this home.

But, I do LOVE recounting God's goodness and faithfulness to me and my family, and I don't want to miss the opportunity I have now to do that by recalling some of the ways God has shown Himself merciful and strong in and through this home!

Soon after moving into 224 in March, 2003, we hosted a costume party with a number of other couples from our local church. We didn't have window treatments up or furniture in all the rooms. We didn't care. We just wanted to provide a gathering place for fun and fellowship. And, lo and behold, people came! It didn't seem to matter to them either that we didn't have a fully decorated, newly painted home.

Having the boys was a major game changer in life for Lawrence and me. For 3 months, I had meals provided by various families from our church. Additionally, for almost two months, I had women come to my home from 9-3 to help me with the transition of caring for my twins.

I can still see the lovely fruit basket Therese Griffin brought for me to keep by my bed, and the chicken tetrazzini Rebekah Stryker made for us that was so good. I remember Carole Eberwein holding both my boys and feeding them at the same time! Ironically, she was helping her daughter in law with her brand spankin' new twin boys this past week.

I remember my dear, dear friend, Heather Griger rushing up from the bottom of the court (when she and Ed) lived at the bottom of the court) into my room to help me deal with a nursing "issue". I think that moment forever solidified our friendship. She saw too much that day. There was no going back. :)

I sat on my bedroom floor, on that horrid pink carpet and nursed and watched my baby boys play on their Baby Einstein play mat for the entire month of August, 2004.  I can't remember seeing the light of day that month except for trips to the hospital with Judah.

My mom and dad's trips to 224 almost always involved my dad fixing something in our home.

We were blessed to have LA's family eat Sunday lunch with us once a month for the last several years. And, Sam  and LA would give each other hair cuts after our meal.

Hosting caregroup here was a blessing and a challenge. Thankfully when we did, our group was fairly small so the living room accommodated. Mark Hurtch brought his guitar, and my boys would run down the stairs once they heard him strumming.

I had beautiful rose bushes on the side of the house for many years, but one year decided I didn't want them anymore. I think I thought I would plant the entire side of the house with vegetables. So, one cool evening, I dug them all up and gave them to our friends, Joel and Cindy Rishel, who now have them at their new place.

Living next to a virtual horticulturalist, my attempt at gardening always fell a bit flat. I loved watching Cheryl so diligently water her flowers, each year buy new ferns to hang all around her front porch. Cheryl and Ed love to go all out with adorning their home, so whether it is Valentine's Day, Easter, Halloween or Christmas, they will have it decked out!

The kitchen has been the "hub" of my home. I recall a time Jo Powell brought a vase of fresh flowers to me because I was having a hard time about my hubby's work hours. She set them down in the middle of my island, looked me in the eye and boldly but lovingly said, "You can be miserable and make everyone else miserable about your hubby's work or you can make the best of it."  I'm so grateful for those hard words from a loving friend. The flowers were a nice touch, too. :)

I also remember standing at my kitchen sink with De Neumann who had some equally hard but loving words for me regarding LA's work hours and my stinky attitude.  Noticing a theme?

Donna and Mike Bishop sat with us on couches that my parents gave to us that are now gone and shared memories with us of when their boys were young. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry about the potential that lay ahead of us with our own boys. :)  But, I so enjoyed our time together. And, I still remember Donna's chicken and stuffing in the crockpot she made for us when the boys were born.

Food is a big deal here, and we've shared lots of meals with lots of friends over the years. Foodies group with the Benge's, Jones' and Rishels, and more recently the Smiths, Powells and Jones' have been some of the best eats.

I've made countless batches of pancakes, bowls of oatmeal and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for my kids at 224. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting kiddos to eat veggies they wouldn't normally eat at home, like Nadia and Alyssia who gobble up cucumbers while Alana and I chat over our glass of wine...red and sweet.

There have been plenty of hard times had in this home, too...nights when marital conflict was so thick I wanted to run away, but my hubby never let me. One time, in the midst of a particularly difficult season of our marriage, Jason Reyes came over and sat in our living room to try to "talk me off the ledge" of raging emotions. He and Laurie have been kind, kind friends to LA and me. Laurie and I have spent time chatting on our deck while watching the kids swing or sitting in my living room drinking iced coffees from Dunkin Donuts.

Family pizza/movie nights became a tradition for us on Friday nights, and sometimes we'd include friends, too. Having a small sofa in our basement, Shawn and Jennifer Lyttle sat on the floor with LA and me during the movie. But, it didn't matter. We just wanted to build memories and be together.

Birthday parties were a rather big deal in the kids' earlier years. Bella was able to celebrate her 5th with a dress up/tea party. Crystal, Jazmine, Emma, Lucy, Jess, Tessa, and the girls' mommas all crowded around our dining table to enjoy flower shaped pb & j sandwiches, fruit and tea.

For a season, a friend and I would make dinner for one another. I would make dinner for my family and Diana's two  nights a week, and she would make dinner for us two nights a week. Nights that Sam would drop off dinner often allowed for quick chats by the front door before he would run home to eat dinner with his own family.

The pine tree on the side of our house has become a favorite for climbing. The kids have loved playing with the neighborhood kids, and they are going to miss them. Julia, a little older than most of the littles playing outside most of the time, is an unexpected and free 'sitter' and blessing to me as she often will play with Bella. I always felt more at ease when Julia was outside with her while I made dinner.

Having out of town guests, while challenging because of space, was always fun to look forward to. Some of my BFF's from college have come to stay. Amanda helped me for several days after I had the boys. Beth and Tommy have stopped with their girls, Emma and Norah, on their way home from the beach. Toby and Beth have come. One of my favorite visits that I will forever cherish deeply is when my friend, Emily, came with her mom, Gretchen, and her little girl, Alivia, who is now in Heaven. Being able to hold that memory of Alivia in my living room here at 224 is precious and forever treasured.

It took one very long day and several bottles of beer, but LA was able to install the wood laminate floors in our living room with one of his favorite buds, Jeff Cole. And, I have since greatly enjoyed those floors!

I've had a number of "home/sales" parties here, Pampered Chef and Norwex among my favorite. I remember one PC party I held to raise awareness and funds for the Sturge Weber Foundation. Terri Reardon did a great job as my consultant at the time, and we were able to raise $500. Again, my tiny living room didn't have lots of space, but it didn't matter. We squeezed in and enjoyed the closeness.

One fabulous memory I have is when I decided to surprise LA while he was gone on a week long work trip. I updated/restored a round picnic table and benches that we received from our "old"  neighbors, Jim and Judy Wilmot for free  with the help of a few of my friends. Sam, the Grigers, Chambers and Brittons all pitched in with the most excellent of work being done by Heather Holston who artistically drew MD Terrapins on the benches. We loved that picnic table, and initiated it with a birthday party for LA that summer.

So many other memories have been had here at 224, but what is most meaningful to me is not the sticks and bricks that make this a house but the people who have lived here with me and crossed our threshold as friends and guests who have made it a home.

I'm so excited about all the potential that awaits us to make the house of Montford a home, too.

"Montford"

The adrenaline I've been running on for the last two weeks, anticipating the closing on our new home which happened today just. ran. out.

A wave of exhaustion has come over me just in time to clean our new place, pack our old place and set up a new home at "Montford".

But, I could not put head to pillow tonight without trying to peck out a few words about how we arrived to this day and this home.

LA and I began a discussion with our realtors more than 5 years ago about moving out of our townhome into a home that could accommodate an in law apartment.  Many possible solutions were discussed, but the time came this past January to shift into high gear and start renovations on our town home with the purpose to sell come early spring.

Our realtors persuaded us to do what we thought was a crazy, crazy thing and that was to put our house on the market before looking for our next home to buy!  What at the time was a crazy philosophy to us proved to be wise advice in the end.

We would now recommend this strategy to anyone wishing to sell one home in order to buy another, especially if you're looking for that "dream" home or one you'd like to live out your days in.

Following our realtors' recommendations for improvements on our town home before placing it on the market brought about immediate interest, many showings and a contract within 10 days of being on the market.  We were thrilled to say the least!

As soon as we hit the market with our town home, we began looking for our "forever" home. Day after day, night after night, I scoured the listings for potential homes to view.  Weekend after weekend and some week days, too, we went out with one of our three (amazing) realtors to see what amounted to 40 homes total!!

About 2/3rds of the way through this process we came upon a home we thought was "it" on "Canterbury Lane."  Doesn't "Canterbury Lane" just sound like a street one would want to live on, almost enchanted?  Well, we were enchanted. Smitten. And, for LA and I both to be in love with the same home is nothing short of a miracle.

One of our realtors, Julie, laughed on more than one occasion as LA and I would walk through homes making exact opposite comments about it. She couldn't get over how opposing our perspectives would be at times.  After 11 years of marriage, I can say we're not surprised by our opposing points of view anymore, but don't find it any easier to deal with now than we did at first.

But, one promise LA and I made to each other at the outset of our home hunt was that we would not settle. We knew that was going to be a tall order, but our hearts were faith filled that God was up for the task.

He did not disappoint.

So back to Canterbury Lane.  This was the first home LA and I both adored and became confident that we wanted to put an offer on it even though it was what I called a bit "wonky."

It met so many of our "non-negotiables." It was at the end of the lane and cul-de-sak. It was a beautiful lot, semi-wooded, flat yard with an over-sized garage with ample room to convert to an in law apartment. BUT, it only had two bedrooms and one full bathroom on the main floor. There were two more bedrooms and another full bathroomin the basement, but because our kids are still young, we wanted all three bedrooms to be on the main level.

And, the house had two front doors. Yes, two front doors. Wonky. No one ever figured that one out. We took a contractor friend out to see the house with us and get his advice on how to configure the main level so as to get a third bedroom out of the space. It appeared doable and feasible for us to do this.

So, we saw the property for a 4th time with our realtor and decided more than confidently that we wanted to put an offer on the house. Long story short, our offer, one of four other offers that all came in on the same weekend after being on the market for a month with no offers previous, was not accepted. We waited two L O N G days to find out that we weren't accepted.

I was sad to say the least. In those two days of waiting, I prayed for my heart's desire. I asked God for the next part of my life to be lived out at Canterbury Lane, and I envisioned specific things for that home.

I mourned a bit, pouted some and took two weeks "off" from looking at homes. One of our realtors, Jess, commented to me later that our little hiatus from house hunting was not typical, and they, our realtor team, were becoming a little nervous that they were going to have to "drag" me back into the search.

But, in that two week time, God provided refreshment and perspective through what some might say the oddest of ways. He was so kind to provide LA and me an opportunity to serve our dear friends, the Neumanns, at the wedding of their daughter, Laura. The wedding was being held on their farm, and God had burdened my hubby's heart long before our house hunt even began to serve them for this momentous occasion in their life.

As the date neared, we wondered if we should have committed an entire Saturday (which actually turned into an entire weekend including the travel to and from my parents in PA where our kiddos stayed so we could serve the day of the wedding) in the midst of trying to find a home.

Well, God goes before us in time as it says in Psalm 139, and we saw His perfect timing for us to have committed to serve this precious family on their important day.

De and Glenn are servants extraordinaire. We have not only been the beneficiaries of their kind, humble and excellent service but have learned so much from watching them serve others. We want "to be like them when we grow up." They are among the hardest workers I know, alongside my own parents, truthfully. And they serve with genuine, exuberant joy. De has made many a hospital trip not just bearable but joy filled for both Judah and me.

When De and Glenn have their hand in any event, one can guarantee it's going to scream of excellence. Their daughter's wedding day was no different than the countless other amazing events they've helped plan and pull off. It was beautiful, stunning, like a fairy tale in many ways. Fresh peony bouquets, candle votives hung on tree limbs, farm tables under a tent, ceremony in the midst of hay field, surprise fireworks and the bride/groom riding off on Glenn's Triumph motorcycle after the sun had well set but sparklers were lighting the way all paled in comparison to one of the most strikingly beautiful parts of the day, and that was the number of De and Glenn's friends and family who came together to make the day happen with such loveliness and flare.

LA and I felt truly honored to play a small, small part in that. It sounds so cliche but it was a heart felt truth for us that day: It truly was better to give than receive. We had a blast. And, through serving our hearts were refreshed.

So, after participating in the loveliness of that day, LA and I shifted into high gear again in search of our home.

At this point, we were about two weeks away from the "deadline" our realtors had given us for finding a home in time so as to not have to move out of our townhome into a rental situation. That deadline was Memorial Day weekend!

So, we put our lists together and went out looking. Nothing the first weekend. We kept scouring the online listings. nothing. or so we thought. On a late Thursday night, likely close to midnight, I was going through the listings again and decided I would look at the pictures of each and every address no matter what.

I came upon "Montford" and looked even though I had passed it up previously, assuming the commute for LA to his office would be too long. When I looked at the pictures, my jaw nearly dropped. It was a beautiful home and property. Motivated, I typed in the address on google maps to see what LA's commute would look like. Without traffic, it would be about what it is now. But, that was without traffic.  Anyone who lives in the Baltimore/DC metro area knows there is no such thing as commuting to and from work "without traffic", not with a 9-5 type job anyway!

Nevertheless, I showed LA the pictures online and the google maps estimation of his potential commute, and he agreed to see it. I quickly shot off the address to my realtor asking her to add it to the list for homes to see over the weekend.

This was Thursday night. The house had just been put on the market the day before, Wednesday. We weren't going to see the home until Saturday. I had a feeling the house was priced to sell, though, and once our realtor, Cindy, saw it, she agreed. She proactively called the seller's agent to let him know that she had clients who were interested in the house and may put an offer on it that weekend.

Thankfully, the sellers were going to wait out the weekend to allow all potential offers to come in. That was Friday of Memorial Day weekend, and apparently there were already three offers on the home!

We didn't get far into the home before our realtor, Cindy, said, "Buy this!" You have to know Cindy to appreciate what I'm going to say about her, especially given the fact that she's a real estate agent. It may be hard to believe, but Cindy just doesn't say that, "Buy this!"  She doesn't. Most of the time. :) She is a gifted real estate agent, very experienced not just in real estate but in life. She is a wise woman who gets to know her clients and advises them individually, according to what she perceives is in line with their needs, wants, skill sets and limitations.

She doesn't tell someone to buy a home unless she really believes the home is a perfect fit for them and is a wise investment overall.  In fact, there were a number of homes I expressed some interest that Cindy "poo poo-ed".  I got over it and forgave her. ;)

Truth be told, Cindy didn't need to tell us to buy the house. We wanted to buy it all on our own with no need of convincing. Whether we COULD buy the house was another story.

You see, with the Canterbury home, we offered what we thought was the top of our price range. And, it was--for that house. I thought it was all we *comfortably* could afford as well, apart from the value of Canterbury. God apparently had something else in mind, however.

We stood in the living room of "Montford", after walking the multitude of pathways throughout the beautifully landscaped and wooded back yard, discussing with Cindy what kind of offer we needed to construct to be chosen among the other 3, possibly more, offers for this home.

Cindy displayed her experience and expertise in constructing our offer. We know that without a doubt and give her kuddos for doing the best job she could do. But, we are also in touch with another reality, one that Cindy subscribes to as well. That reality tells us that while Cindy did an amazing job at putting together a hard to beat offer for us, it was ultimately God who got us this house.

We left not knowing if God would choose this home for us.  This home FAR exceeded the Canterbury Lane home in value, space, amenities, beauty and quality structure. But would this be another disappointment like Canterbury?

We had planned to drive up to my parents in PA early Sunday morning of Memorial Day weekend to spend the rest of the long weekend with my family. I showed my siblings and parents the online pictures of the home, gushed over the possible life this home might grant us in terms of hospitality and ministry, let alone just straight up enjoyment for ourselves. We prayed together and waited.

Our agent told us the sellers would make a decision by Monday, Memorial Day. I was grateful to know that ahead of time, and I was glad we were surrounded by my family so they could be there to either celebrate with us or mourn with us.

I didn't cry until I told my mom and dad. Being able to deliver the good news to my parents in real life, to exchange hugs and see smiles was a sweet gift from God that He just didn't have to give, but did.

After 40 homes, we had found the one that is now ours.

The sellers were wonderfully kind to walk the property with us a few weeks before our settlement. After walking the border of the 4+ acre property with us, explaining all they've done in landscaping and remodeling the home, the wife shared with me that she wanted to see a family in this home. In the end there were 7 (SEVEN) offers for this home, one being a cash offer. But, the cash offer was from an older woman, and the owners really wanted a family to enjoy what they enjoyed with their own three children as they grew up.

This is just a sample of the details which came together providing assurance to LA and me that God truly directed our steps to "Montford".

We are excited to begin this next chapter of our life there, and are eager to have many friends, family and even people we have yet to meet enjoy the gift of this home and property with us.

Because baking is safe, but writing is not...

Inspired by this post over at one of my favorite blog and book authors, Ann Voskamp, I take the last tray of chocolate chip cookies out of the oven and write straight from my journal, straight from my heart, to you, few readers, these few Spirit-inspired (I trust) words.

What are you thinking?
Through what lens are you interpreting life's circumstances?

Philippians 4:8, 9 tells me to think on things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable.

But life's throwing us some curve balls lately. Life does that, though. We know that by now.

I hit a parked car last Friday at the post office while backing up..a new Dodge Charger. History tells me that parking lots and I don't get along; it also tells me that I need to find the beater cars to park near from now on.

But, Phil 4:8 instructs me to focus on the fact that we have insurance to cover the damages on that lovely red car and give thanks. Yes, Lord...I will do that.

LA's car overheated on his way to work yesterday, and he needed me to drive to the city with a jug of water and coolant mix in order to turn around and drive home with him driving in front of me to ensure he made it home at all. It was raining. Driving in the rain on the highway in the middle of the afternoon=sleepy me. Not my favorite.

But Phil. 4:8,9 instructs me to focus on the fact that I did have the afternoon available to serve my husband this way, and that we have a mechanic who could look at it right away.

LA needed to use my van today to drive to DC leaving me and the kids home bound, something we don't do terribly well.

But, I didn't have any appointments scheduled for today, and it has turned out to be a relaxing day of sleeping in, painting, playing with legos, reading and baking.

The kids are fighting allergies/colds.

But, Bella slept in until 10 a.m. (NEVER happens). Judah felt better after a nebulizer treatment. We have really good vitamins (I know because they taste horrible), and the kids are taking them.

Our offer on a home wasn't accepted.

But, we have a 60, possibly 90 day, rent back to stay in our current home even after this Friday's settlement. And, home inventory is only increasing.

LA and I are having a challenging time working through marriage and church issues.

But God has been faithful, and we continue to draw near to Him and each other---amazing grace!

The insurance company continues to deny coverage of growth hormone for Judah claiming it's medically unnecessary despite the hours of testing he's endured to show clearly that it is indeed medically necessary.

But God has given peace in my heart that He is my son's physician, and I can trust His provision for Judah.  Several people have commented recently that he is looking taller, so maybe his body is continuing to grow even if not optimally.  I will trust you, Father, for the plan you have for Judah, which your Word says is to prosper him and not to harm him.

Friendships feel strained at times.

But Jesus is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

You are faithful, Father.
You are true.
You have always been with me.
You always will be with me.

Proverbs 12:20 says, "...those who plan peace have joy."  and verse 25 says, " Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad."

By your grace, I will "plan peace", Father, and I will look for and declare the "good word" in regard to all the curve balls of life. And there I will find joy and my heart will be glad.

Could it be true?

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Could it be true?

Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day...  I Corinthians 15:3

Could it be true?

The above passages are what Easter is all about for Christians. On Good Friday, we remember the death of Jesus. On Easter Sunday we celebrate Jesus rising from the dead, conquering sin and death and accessing eternal life for all who confess their need for a Savior.

Could this all be true? Or is it just some religious mythology helping some of us assuage a guilty conscience?

I've wondered this many times in my life. Belief has not and does not come easy to me.   

A passage in Romans 4 recently helped me in my ongoing battle for belief.
It is a section of scripture that reminds the New Testament reader of Old Testament Abraham.

Abraham was given a promise from God that he would become the father of many nations, but he was old. really old. Romans 4 says that his body was "as good as dead."  Umm, I'm no biblical scholar, but I'm thinking that is hinting at a really old Abraham, past the child bearing stage of life kind of old. 

And, Romans 4 tells us that he wasn't in denial about this. One version says Abraham "faced the facts"; another version tells us that he "considered his own body."

And, it's this phrase that caught me recently, "considered his own body."

When I consider--not the state of my physical body but rather the state of my soul--all I've done to incur God's wrath: the hatred I've had in my heart toward others, the selfishness I've had that has put others in harm's way at times, my pride that has refused to love others like Jesus has loved me, my disrespect toward others, my disregard for God's authority in my life, my disdain of the way God has allowed the circumstances of my life to play out at times, my foul mouth, anger, bitterness, rage, ingratitude...and then consider that God knows deeper still how black and vile my heart is, it leaves me wonder often, "Could it be true?"

Could it be true that God's perfectly Holy Son would come to earth, take on human flesh, make Himself subject to earthly authorities, and follow His Father's plan which led Him to a bloody cross? For me?

Could it be true that Jesus incurred the full wrath of God that MY sins deserved, not His? He was sinless. He didn't deserve to be abandoned by God. I do, though.

Could it be true that this same Jesus, after being dead for 3 days, conquered death and rose again?

Could it be true that he then appeared as a risen Jesus to more than 500 people before He ascended into Heaven where He is NOW preparing an eternal home for me?

Could it be true that I will one day spend all eternity with Jesus in this eternal home the Bible calls Heaven, where there will be no more tears, no more death, no mourning, no crying, no pain?

Could it all really be true?

Romans 4 encourages me to believe that it could be true. 

You see Abraham was "as good as dead" but GOD told him he'd be the father of many nations. Romans 4 tells us Abraham "believed against all hope", "did not weaken in faith", "did not waver", "grew strong in faith", was "fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised."

And Romans 4 tells me that I am to benefit from Abraham's example.
Romans 4 was written for me and for others who wonder, "Could it really be true?" Romans 4 tells us that Abraham's faith was counted to him as righteousness and that my belief will be counted to me as such, too.

And, I begin to hope, "Oh perhaps this is true. Wouldn't it be amazing if it were true?"

So, with that mustard seed of faith, I confess, "IT IS TRUE!"

I face the facts of who I am and yet without wavering, grow more fully convinced that God is able to do what He has promised.

And, I read beyond Romans 4 to Romans 5 where it tells me that this hope will NOT disappoint.

Psalm 25 confirms this as well, telling me that I, one who puts her hope in these truths, will not be put to shame. 

I will one day die. I will stand face to face with my Creator. I will be called to account for all my sins. I will be able to say, "Jesus has taken the punishment that I deserved for all my sins."  I will hear, "Enter into my rest, good and faithful servant." I will spend eternity in a Heavenly paradise, worshiping the One who saved me. 

I will then know that not only COULD it be true; it IS true!

Vulcan Quarry

Our homeschool co-op, Classical Conversations, took a field trip today to a local quarry, Volcan Materials Co. in Havre de Grace, MD.  It proved to be a timely field trip as we are memorizing geological science facts this half of the year.

It was free to all, buses included, which, for homeschoolers, is quite a big deal. I coordinated the trip with Pat Pieton, the assistant plant manager at Vulcan. He was super friendly and a delight with whom to work. He led our tour today which began with a classroom portion, followed by a bus tour of the quarry.













At one point during the bus tour, we were able to exit the bus at the top of the quarry and look out over the vast "hole in the ground". The following are some photos of our time.

What are the three types of rocks? 

Miner Jessie 

Is it a rock or a mineral?

It's petrified dinosaur poop!!!

Preparing for a blast!

Happy New Year's Day Hike

We participated in something called, "First Day Hikes" this a.m. to kick off 2013 as a family. We love taking hikes and thought it would be a great way to get some fresh air, step away from the cookies and fudge for a bit and enjoy time as a family. We had more fun than we anticipated.

When we arrived, we were the only family with children present. I cringed thinking we might prevent  the rest of the group from advancing down the trail at their desired pace. But, thankfully, another family with three young children showed up, and our kids proved to demonstrate themselves as experienced hikers, keeping up with the crowd with little prodding or help from mom and dad.

The hardest part for them was not being able to stop and explore as much as they're accustomed to when we go by ourselves. Nevertheless, it allowed me to step back and observe how different life experiences are through the eyes of a child. My kids love to observe and explore. And, I love to let them. Hiking is a fantastic way to foster this childlike pleasure.

With the exception of one root-filled, semi-rocky incline, the trail was rather simple to traverse. We wore rain or snow boots anticipating mud and muck, which indeed was plentiful. But, mud means moderate temperatures and therefore a welcomed obstacle.  Truth be told, mud makes hiking all that more fun for kids even though mommy has more laundry to do as a result this afternoon.

Mud to muck in, sticks to turn into staffs, felled trees to climb over and under, and streams to cross all make for an enjoyable, memorable hike. It doesn't get much better than that as far as hiking goes, unless, of course, mommy manages to slip and fall into icy rapids and become soaked from hip to toe.

Our furthest destination on the hike today was a spot called "The Pot Rocks", a conglomeration of large boulders with holes in the tops of them resembling pots. I love bouldering, but not on January 1st and not with my kids in tow.  LA had a different idea. Most of the other hikers were keeping their distance from the water's edge, simply and safely admiring the view. But, not so my husband or children.

They tipped their toes as close to the edge of the rocks without slipping into the rushing water, making me a nervous momma and wife. My concerns were heard and considered, I think, but the other dad in our group must have sent out some sort of "man must conquer" vibe, and there was no turning back for Lawrence. He decided he would cross the rapids to reach the rocks.

My husband and children successfully to the other side, I breathed a brief sigh of relief knowing they would still have to cross back. After a few minutes of exploration, the ranger kindly let me know that we were welcome to hang out at the rocks for a while and head back to the trail head on our own, but that he would be leading the rest of the group back to the cars.

We decided to stick with the group; LA and the kids made their way back to the crossing. Being the conscientious (read nervous) momma, I stood on the other side of the watery gap waiting to grab my kids' hands to ensure their safe and dry return. Tucker was first up.

LA held on to him on one side while I reached for Tucker's hand on the other. The grip on my boots failed me; Tucker's reach sent me off-kilter, and into the icy water I fell.  In trying to avoid getting wet at all, I ended up falling right on my butt soaking myself from hip to toe.  Laughs abounded from everyone but me. I have to say, though, my heart was cheered knowing that though I was cold and wet, that was likely to be the most memorable moment of our hike.

And, on that concluding note, some pictures. Click on the slideshow images to see larger versions:

Going "Home" for Christmas?

I've been thinking about the concept of "home" lately. Especially at Christmas, the idea is emphasized that we all have a home, not just in the physical sense, but emotionally. We have a place and people around whom we feel we can be ourselves, we are loved and accepted, known and embraced with all our quirks and shortcomings. We don't have to walk on proverbial egg shells or unduly weigh our words. We are at ease, experiencing peace and comfort and all those warm fuzzies everyone talks about.

But, going home for the holidays isn't always like that, is it? Having family and even people we call friends in our home isn't always like that. Sometimes, there's tension, emotional distance, difficulty in communication, offenses, bitterness, and maybe even hatred toward those with whom we share a home or to whom we open our home at this time of year.

And, then there are those who can't be home this time of year. They can't be with the ones they love and cherish. I think of my friends, the Goerlings, whose dad/husband is in Afghanistan. I'm sure they'd all love for him to be home with them this Christmas, but he can't. Or, my friends, Joel and Cindy Rishel, who expected to have 4 boys from Brazil home with them for Christmas this year. They're in the process of adopting these little men, and we all thought they'd be together by now. But, they're not.

Even going home to my own family in PA, I can't help but to think of both the beauty and the brokenness my family represents. My family exists because two people died. My dad died of cancer when I was twelve. My stepdad's late wife died when she was hit by a car while she walked along the side of a country road with a dear, family friend.

And, what about 26 families in Newton, Connecticut, who have presents wrapped under their trees ready for their children and loved ones who will never open them, who will never come home again?

This afternoon, I learned about other families in upstate New York who will be making funeral plans for their loved ones, firefighters, who responded to a 911 call gone awry. Those brave, dutiful firefighters will never return home.

The word "home" carries with it so much meaning, expectation, potential joy and pain.

So the words to the well known Christmas song, "I'll be Home for Christmas" don't really ring true for many of us sometimes, at least probably not in the sentiment they're sung.
I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me...

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the lovelight gleams...

We can't count on others all the time, can we? And, those we do count on sometimes leave us. Or they can't be there when we need them.  Christmas remains, nevertheless, an invitation home. But, perhaps not in the way we conventionally think about home.

Matthew 1:23 says, "Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call His name Immanuel--which means GOD WITH US".

John 1:14 says, "And the Word became flesh (this is Jesus' birth) and DWELT AMONG US", literally pitched his tent with ours.

At Christmas we remember when God made His HOME among men.

For Christians, Christmas is not just the memory of God with us; it is the REALITY of God with us that we celebrate. God is WITH us.

God was with my dad when he took his last breath. He was with me as I stood by his bedside holding his hand one last time. God was with my stepdad's wife, Eunice, as she received that death blow from a reckless driver. God is with Tom Goerling in Afghanistan and also with his family here in Maryland who long for him to be with them, too.

The God who created the heavens and the earth, who gave us our life and sustains us is WITH us; He has made His home in us.

John 14:23 says, "If anyone loves me, he will keep my word and my Father will love him, and will come to him and MAKE OUR HOME WITH HIM".

As a Christian, Christmas is a place to call home. It is a place where Christ has intersected our real world with its real muck and mess to be WITH us, to make His home with us. Knowing and remembering this can supply all the comfort, peace and joy one wants or needs.

When you're in that living room, sitting around the tree, cordially opening gifts you really don't want or need, thanking people with whom there is relational discord, remember GOD is WITH you. And, He has come not just to comfort you in that moment but also to empower you, strengthen and grace you to be a reflection of HIS grace to those people around you whom you call family or friend.

When you skype with the one who can't physically be with you this Christmas or pray over their pictures, remember God is WITH you. He is there to hold you together, to help you wait, to strengthen you for the hardship of being apart.

When you visit that gravesite, weeping that your loved one will never be home again for Christmas, remember that God is WITH you. He is there to comfort, to heal your broken heart, to give peace and joy. He is WITH you.

If you are not a Christian, Christmas is an invitation to come home.  It's an invitation to know Immanuel, God with us. It's an invitation to know His forgiveness, love and grace! It's an invitation home.

End of 2012 reflections

With 2012 drawing to a close and 2013 awaiting, I have enjoyed taking time to reflect on all God’s faithfully brought us through and anticipating all He might still want to do in and through us in this upcoming year, pending the end of the world, of course. ;)

This year, like most, ushered in the new and unexpected, but it also held the constancy of tradition and rhythms of routines. For both I’m grateful and recognize it is God’s loving kindness, mercy and grace that carries us through them all in a way that keeps us drawing nearer to Himself, genuinely desperate for Him and finding Him trustworthy and dependable.

Both new and unexpected events from 2012 included:

·         Bella’s special princess tea party with a handful of her closest friends for her 5^th birthday in February

·         Joining a local farm’s CSA (community supported agriculture) and eating lots and lots of greens

·         Lawrence leaving public accounting after 8 *long* years and taking a position as Director of Finance and IT with MedChi, an association that promotes the needs and well being of physicians in Maryland

·         A reunion with some of Bri’s closest buds from her college days at IUP

·         Beginning in earnest renovations to our townhome to prepare it for a spring, 2013, listing on the market

·         Bella beginning Kindergarten and the boys, 3^rd grade. Bri has especially enjoyed watching and helping Bella learn to read. What an amazing and special privilege, one she doesn’t take for granted

·         Bri and the kids joining a new homeschool  co op called Classical Conversations which has been a huge blessing to all of us. Learning has never been more meaningful and fun!

·         Lawrence and Bri attending a marriage conference with speaker, Paul Tripp.

·         Buying, building and learning more than we ever wanted to about Legos, the boys’ (and now Bella’s) current obsession.  Guess what they’re getting for Christmas?! J

In the midst of transitions and new beginnings, however, we were able to maintain the familiarity of traditions and comfort of routines through the following:

•  Hikes at some of our favorite local parks
• Trips to Grandma/pa’s in PA
• Time with cousins, building memories and having fun
•   Eating out—especially at Dunkin Donuts for special occasions like birthdays and the start of school
•   Weekly date night for Lawrence and Bri at TGIFriday’s or just a cup of coffee at Starbucks
•  Outings to our favorite local gardens, Ladew and Longwood
• Once a-month family dinners with the Almengor’s
• Regular playdates and dinner with good friends who have stayed the course with us through many seasons of life

Seems much of our life revolves around food!  

Looking forward to 2013, we cannot possibly anticipate all that God has in store, but we are nevertheless praying about or eagerly expecting the following:

·         Our local Y opening up a pool!!  It may sound trite, but we have long been looking forward to this along with many other members of our Y, and I know it’ll be such a blessing to our family

·         Selling our townhome and purchasing a new home which would serve some, specific needs and desires of our family

·         Beginning growth hormone treatments for Judah which will involve a daily injection

Would you give thanks with us as well as pray for our little family regarding the changes 2013 holds for us, both known and unknown?

We are so grateful for the friends and family with which God has surrounded us. You all are a demonstration of God’s merciful kindness to us. Your encouragement, love and prayers are wonderful gifts from God that we do not take for granted. Thank you for loving us!

If you want to keep up with us on a more consistent basis, you can visit us online at judahupdate.blogspot.com or friend us on Facebook, profile name “Briana Almengor”.  We’re always up for your spontaneous or planned visit as well. As long as we’re at our current townhome, our address is 224 Ferring Court  Abingdon, MD 21009. Or give us a call: 410.688.7553

With gratitude to the Giver of every good gift, which includes YOU,

Lawrence, Briana, Judah, Tucker and Bella

Tell me I'm not alone

Parenting has undeniably been the most difficult thing I've ever attempted to do well.  Marriage is tied with parenting. And, while I don't feel like I'm doing an exemplary job at either, I am gratefully stunned that God has given me the gifts of both.

That said, I wanted to relay the following "scene" from a moment in my day today, a less than glorious parenting moment but a rather common one unfortunately. It turns a bit comical toward the end which I know is just the grace of God at work in my life helping me not take myself so seriously, not be so easily angered, and learn to make light of things that do provoke.

It's 4 days before Christmas, and inevitably there are food items to buy. Instead of taking time away from being all together as a family when LA is home in order to go by myself as any other sane momma would do, I decide to take my three crazy kids to the grocery store with me. That's how I "take one for the team" here in our family. I've always had an inclination toward martyrdom. :)

Wegmans is where we'll be picking up those few last items on the list, including gruyere and organic pie shells because after all, where else am I going to get organic pie shells besides Wegmans? And, no I'm not making my own; that's not one I take for the team.

Weaving our way in and through the aisles is as challenging as driving on I-95 during rush hour.  Wegmans really should have traffic lights.

We make it to check out without breaking anything or anyone. Success. The self checkout at Wegmans, however, is a bit sensitive. My children like to call it "stupid", but then again they call everything stupid. We're in that phase of childhood development.

It's actually quite sophisticated and stupid all at the same time. If a child sits on the bagging area, for instance, it gets quite confused. Apparently, it knows the weight of the grocery item one scans and expects that weight to then be placed into a bag on the bagging wheel. So, when Bella plops herself on top of the bagging wheel, it gets a little upset and starts beeping. And then the checkout girl has to come over and shut it up. And, when I use the $5 Wegmans coupon, it gets upset and the check out girl has to come over and shut it up. And, when I try to scan another $1 off Wegman's coupon, it gets upset again, and the check out girl has to come over and shut it up. again.
And, now I'm upset and someone's going to have to come and shut me up pretty darn soon.

But, I keep it together. Well, that's not completely true. After Bella sat on the bagging wheel for the 3rd time, I did turn on her a bit, harshly telling her to not sit on the bagging wheel. ever. like never, Bella. Got it?  ah, grace filled parenting at its finest. NOT.

Deep breaths, Bri. Just get the kids to the car.
After finding the car (that took a while because I didn't park where I normally do. Rude for someone to take my spot, don't ya think?), I start to hit the keyless remote to open the car doors. But, the kids are pulling on the door handle at the same time.  Our van is a bit sensitive (hmm....seems like I experienced touchy electronics once already today. Isn't there a limit to how much one can endure of this kind of torture? oh, first world problems).

After too many tugs on the door handle and one too many clicks on the keyless to no avail, I lost it on the kids, "STOP TOUCHING THE DOOR"!  But, they didn't.  So, again I yelled and again, and I'm sure my kids thought my head was going to start spinning.

I was able to stand outside myself at that moment and realize I was so out of control. Guess that's called the Holy Spirit. :)  I'm so grateful He faithfully does His job well!  At that point I began talking about myself in third person, "Mommy needs help from Jesus right now to be patient..." and then broke out in song pleading with the children through some kind of made up melody that they please not touch the door. "Oh, for the love of my sanity, please don't touch the door", I sang.

I don't think my kids knew what to do. But they didn't touch the door. And, because I am a glutton for punishment, I went from Wegmans to BJ's.

Hope

Hope, hope, hope--How I want hope. How I need hope. Everyday, I need encouragment to fight the good fight of faith, to believe that God is good, that God is with me, that God is working all things together for my good.  Everyday, I need HOPE as a fuel to keep me pressing on in Christ, to keep looking to Jesus for forgiveness, help, wisdom, my righteousness, perseverance and love.

Hold out hope to me. Anyone.

I am desperate for hope.

I know I'm not alone.

One of my pastors spoke from one of my favorite passages in the Bible this past Sunday with the theme of "hope".  I want to have this passage of scripture before me all this week. Perhaps I'll memorize it. Do you want to memorize it, too?

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.  
Isaiah 61:1-3

Also, to listen to Jimmy's message on hope, click here .

The "Heart"

Referencing the Paul Tripp marriage conference entitled, "What Did You Expect" that Lawrence and I had the privilege to attend a few weekends ago, Tripp draws our attention to a popular "game" we all play, especially with our spouse. I'm sure you've heard of it and play it yourself from time to time: the blame game. You know the rules of this game; I don't have to spell them out for you. Most likely, you started playing this game around the same time I did, as a toddler perhaps even before we could walk or talk.

In marriage, we play the blame game any time we become convinced that our marriage would be so much better if our spouse would change.  Tripp confronts this thought saying, "The 'blame game' is heresy--it never leads to a good marriage; it never leads to unity, understanding or love."

How often are we caught in that trap?  When we think that, we are believing a lie. My speech and/or behavior is NEVER caused by my husband. It can be a response to something he's done or said, but it comes from within my own heart. A person cannot say or do anything that wasn't birthed within the desires, motivations and inclinations of her own heart.

Our hearts are what Paul Tripp calls the "causal core of one's personhood", the steering wheel, if you want to think of it that way, determining what comes out of your mouth and what dictates your actions.

"My words and actions always tell me more about ME than they do about my spouse".

So what have my words and actions told me about ME this week?
It depends on the moment. But, many times I must say that my words and actions toward my family especially indicated that I love myself a lot more than I love them.
I have grown irritated and impatient with my children when they haven't obeyed me right away.
I have demonstrated anger toward my husband when he neglected to demonstrate thoughtfulness toward me in a way I expected him to.

I can gratefully say, however, that God has been right there with me in those moments, convicting me of my self-centeredness, pride and anger. By God's grace, confession and repentance came quickly in those moments when I took a harsh tone with my children or gave the "cold shoulder" to Lawrence.

Truthfully, I can grow quickly discouraged that I am still growing so easily angered with my children and husband. But, instead I want to see the grace there has been in these moments....not grace that removes temptation but rather causes me to confess sin when I've blown it and even sometimes not give into the temptation in the first place. Those are really sweet moments.  I experienced some of that this morning with my daughter.

She was having a really hard time focusing on school, staring out the window rather than attending to the work she had to do, fidgeting in her seat, with her hair and fingernails. I just wanted to get through the lessons and move on to helping the boys so that they could be finished with their school work before their Abuelo (grandfather) arrived to teach them Spanish. I had a long list of "to do" items clamoring for my attention. I did not appreciate her dragging her feet with her school work.

Impatience was "knocking at my door"; anger was welling up, and I wanted to be coercive and manipulative in that parenting moment to get her to pay attention and do her work. Here's one of those "little moments" that matter. By God's kindness, He captured my attention in the moment and allowed me to see the opportunity that lie before me to grow in godliness!

In my mind over and over again, I cried out to Jesus to help me demonstrate patience and long suffering to Bella, to persevere with her and encourage her rather than grow frustrated with her. He gave me empathy for her recalling times and circumstances when I've been asked to do something I don't want to do or have the energy to do. Most significant of all, He reminded me of how HE has treated me--with long suffering, patience, always being for me not against me, always wanting me to grow and thrive, never brow-beating me or manipulating me into obedience to Him.

I took many deep breaths, "breathing in" the Holy Spirit's power to do what is so far beyond me to do, rule over my emotions rather than allowing them to rule over me.  And, we got through the work. It wasn't fun; it wasn't easy, but God was there with us in that moment.

My heart is a storehouse of desires, motivations, will and emotions and so is yours. Out of those full hearts, we speak and act. What have your words and actions communicated about what's in your heart this week?

Made for Worship

The first principle Paul Tripp points out about marriage is that a "marriage of unity, understanding, and love is not rooted in romance, but in worship".

Worship?
Say what?

Consider this truth: All mankind was born for worship--not to BE worshiped, though don't we all think so at times, but TO worship another, namely our Creator.  If you need a little convincing, ponder your experience of  the most recent sporting event you watched or attended, an amazingly scrumptious meal or dessert you ate, or even a museum you walked through. It's likely either you or another were participating in inferior forms of worship...what the Merriam Webster dictionary would call the giving of "extravagant respect or admiration for or devotion to an object of esteem".

Worship is innate. It is something we were born to do. But, the object of our worship for which we were created is often replaced by lesser things.

Romans 1: 25 says, "They exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator who is forever praised".

Daily, in some form, we make this exchange. We forget or deny that we were born to worship One and only One, and it's not ourselves.

What does this have to do with marriage?

There are many implications of this truth on marriage, but the one I'm going to focus on first is this: When we are not worshiping God, our Creator, giving our devotion and respect and ultimate admiration to God, we can assume that in some way we are worshiping ourselves. I am tempted a gazillion times a day to take God off the throne of my heart and put myself in His place, mindful only of what I want, what I need, what I feel. When that happens, there's bound to be marriage problems.

Here's one example of what it looks like for me...
My hubby comes home from work and I am tired from a full day of homeschooling, running errands, doing housework, breaking up sibling squabbles. I am not interested in serving another person. I've served all day. At that moment, I am really not thinking about anyone else's needs or desires or feelings other than my own. And, boy am I acutely aware of my own. I describe them in vivid detail almost every evening to my husband.

I want my husband to come in and take over, to know precisely the "line" I've required my children to tow all day and not lower the standard thereby undermining my authority. I want him to correct and train and encourage the children so I can emotionally and mentally "check out". If he'd help with the dinner dishes and picking up the house, that would just be a bonus.

So, when the kids don't respond to my call to come set the table or they complain about the meal I prepared and LA doesn't verbally jump all over them for it, if he's just a bit slower to respond than I normally am, I can absolutely lose it...on him and on the kids. I make the assumption that he was never going to address the children, he doesn't care or see the level of disrespect they have toward me. It goes further then to character judgments as well--he's checked out on us emotionally or is being lazy not wanting to address my children's hearts or behavior. He's apathetic toward my feelings.

All this happens within a snap.
Ever been there or somewhere similar?

And, you can imagine that what comes out of my mouth (because this girl has trouble keeping it shut!) is harsh, judgmental, accusatory and disrespectful (oh the irony). On the rare occasion I do manage to keep my mouth shut, the silence and slamming ensues. Slam cupboards and dishes all while pursing my precious lips tightly shut.

Believe it or not, I am worshiping in these moments. What I want, for my husband to engage with my children, is not a bad thing. It's a good thing; I should want that. When it takes the form of worship in my heart is when I am wanting it more than I am wanting God and His will for that moment in time. He wants me to grow in patience. Perhaps, He wants to help my children grow in hearing and responding to His Spirit convicting them in the quiet of their thoughts and heart versus being reprimanded immediately by their parent. He certainly doesn't want me to be bitterly spewing angry statements at my husband.

So, what do I do knowing my inclination to worship my desires, needs and wants?
Where do I go when the worship of myself has eclipsed the worship of God?

I'm grateful that God continues to stop me in moments like what I just described to convict me of my self worship. Sadly, I don't always bow to His conviction right away. Sometimes it takes me awhile. But, God's Spirit, thankfully, always wins and brings me to a godly sorrow over my sin. And, it is then that I can confess that sin, run to Jesus, the One who bore all the wrath of God that I deserved for all my moments of self worship.

And, God reminds me in I John 1:9 that when I confess my sin, HE is faithful and just to forgive me of that sin and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.

Then, I think upon God, upon HIS perfection, HIS wisdom, HIS righteousness, HIS beauty, goodness, grace and mercy and bow again to HIS will for this small moment in my life.

In "real life", I ask for forgiveness from Lawrence (and my children if they were witnesses of my behavior or speech) and think on things that are excellent and praiseworthy about those brief moments around the dinner table. I think about what God may have been seeking to accomplish in my life, in my children's lives and in my husband's life at that instant. And, I consider God's redemption of my wrongs. I ponder all the ways God could be making good on my bad, and it's at this moment that I'm typically undone....for at least 3 minutes before something else may tempt me toward self worship. ;)

It's moment by moment here in my world. The little moments DO matter.