Unlikely Candidate Talk

Ebola, Our Worst Fear?

Ebola comes near
And strikes fear
Into our hearts
Causing us to wonder
How much closer
Will it come

Will it infect ones I know?
Will it infect ones I love?
Will it infect me?

Teach us to number our days
Is a prayer we pray
Ebola has a way
Of doing just that.

Why do we fear
When our end could be near?
Could be on the next plane
From Africa to here?

Why do we fear
When our days our numbered
And we know that to be so
But the threat of it shakes us?

It's not theory any longer
Now that Ebola is no further
Than Texas!

People we know will die
Loved ones will die
I will die.

But we will all arise
Into one of two eternities:

An eternity where no Ebola remains
A forever after where peace and health
And best of all, Jesus reigns.

No more threats of death
Just living in the promise of life
No more heartache or loss
Because Jesus paid the cost
Of it all---all our sin
                 all our shortcoming
                 all our sorrow

He became a man acquainted with grief
Took our shame and hung on a tree
Nailed it there and in return set us free.

Free from threats
Free from death
Free from ourselves
And all dark tomorrows

But there's another eternal place
From which Jesus hides His face

All threats are thrown here
And made a reality to bear
For those dying in their denial
Of Jesus, the God-man

Their refusal to bow, refusal to praise
The One who gave them all of their days
The One who whispers and shouts
"I am real. I came to love you!"
But this and Him they doubt.

And so Ebola-though a threat and a curse
Only to death can it make one hurt.

After death, there is life
Heaven for those who believe Jesus died
Hell for those who refuse Him.

If you love Jesus and trust His blood spilled
You have NO NEED TO FEAR, only reason to HOPE!

But, if you are one refusing to bow,
Refusing to surrender
PLEASE listen and know:
Ebola is not your worst fear
But it may lead to it,
That of facing your Creator
Not covered by Jesus' blood.

There is still time,
Still reason to run
To the One who loves you
Enough to give up His Son.

Confess today and forevermore
Jesus reigns over all
Jesus is Lord

He came to save
Not to condemn
Embrace His love
Embrace Him!

Battling Temptation

I didn't wake up this morning knowing I would have a huge emotional hill to climb.

It started before my feet even hit the floor. Hubby did not wake up when he said he would, and then Bella demanded that I help her with hot chocolate NOW!
Bump #1--tempted to be irritable and lash out in anger for being disregarded and disrespected. "Do not return evil for evil," is what I try to apply. feebly.

Judah then woke up stuffy and begged not to be taken to church.
I agreed to stay home with him from church after he did not eat breakfast nor move from the couch with his blanket.

I thought it was just morning congestion that he would shake off by lunch time, in time for us to enjoy our monthly "family dinner" with LA's side of the family.  His willingness to get himself dressed was an indicator to me that he was well enough and motivated to see his family.

I hopped in the car with Skillet Chocolate cake and Magic cake and only then remembered that I had also offered to bring a salad.  Bump #2--tempted to believe my husband is frustrated by my forgetfulness and now, my tardiness too, because I have to run back inside to grab the salad ingredients.

We arrived at my brother/sister-in-law's, and I fought the temptation to feel like I was making myself a burden by needing bowls and silverware from my SIL to put together the salad and guacamole and that I was holding up lunch for everyone while I prepared the food.

After I put together a simple salad and guacamole, it was time to eat. Second in line was one of my sons, who will remain nameless.  Trying to serve himself lunch on real dishes was just more than he could manage, and he dropped the plate. CRASH went the plate to the floor. It fell along with my heart.
Bump#3--tempted to believe the self loathing, self destructive thoughts that I am a horrible mother who does not train her children well--that I should have anticipated that slip and carried the plate for my child.
And, I was at the same time fighting the temptation for my new-ish SIL to like us, to be fond of my kids and to not feel like she has to hold her breath every time we're near for fear of what we might break.

At this point, temptation and emotions got the best of me, and I had to excuse myself to go cry it out for a minute or two in the bathroom, pray and ask God for strength to be others' focused, to walk in grace, to move on.
**I am a 5 year old trapped in a 37 year old's body. It's true.

By God's kindness, I was able to recover and enjoy lunch with everyone, to move on conversationally, not be overly introspective and defeated.

Judah ate a small lunch but spent most of the time sitting on the couch. By the end of the afternoon, when he hadn't eaten dessert and was laying on the couch with his blanket over him, I started to feel regretful about my decision to come with him. Bump #4--tempted to beat myself up yet again for my poor judgment in bringing Judah to my bro/sis-in-law's house. Not only is my SIL pregnant for the first time, but she is also traveling out of state this week.

On our way home, Judah slunk down on the side of the door with his blanket and fell asleep. Once home, I took his temperature and saw that he had developed a fever over the afternoon. Bump #5 and really more of a hill than a bump--tempted to worry about Judah spreading infection to a young man who is staying with us right now to recover from his third kidney transplant. He is immunosuppressed, so catching a virus poses a serious threat to his recovery.

I texted the young man's mom, who is also staying with us, to let her know what was going on with Judah and that we had quarantined Judah to his room.  Her response was strikingly different from mine: "Thanks for letting me know. We will pray and trust the Lord."

I realized then that what was going on in my heart most of the day was not a matter of lack of trust in God for my son's health or for the health of others, though that was a part of it. What was going on in my heart is a serious craving for the approval of others or a fear of their disapproval, a longing to be honored and thought of, to be preferred and catered to as in the case with my husband and daughter first thing this morning.

I KNOW this can be a struggle for me. I KNOW it's wrong to allow these cravings to control me. I KNOW the truths to apply: I am fully accepted in Christ. I am His chosen, precious daughter, for whom He gave up His life. He sings over me with rejoicing.  Why do I yet crave for the approval of others to the point of becoming self centered, withdrawn, introspective, and defeated relationally?  I hate it. I really, really do. I fight it. Some days, like today, it is just one small skirmish after another, and the best I can do is to KEEP. GETTING. UP.

This is not all of who I am; this is a just one part of me.  Some seasons the temptation barely presents itself if at all. Sometimes, like the previous several months, I fight hard, long and much too frequently for comfort the temptations to be self focused, to give in to self hating thoughts, to not keep myself rooted and secure in the love my God has for me.  The wrestling that has taken place in my mind and heart has been distracting at least, obsessive at worst.

I know this is not a good path to be on. I know I must fight to take these thoughts captive, to not allow the enemy to take me out of the game by becoming so introspective, self protecting and defeated that I stop taking steps forward, steps TOWARD people and ministry rather than away.

When I am tempted in these ways, everything in me wants to crawl in a hole and disappear. I can become convinced that everyone would be better off if I just did not exist. IT is not easy to admit this so publicly. Many of my closest friends know this about me, but I wanted to be brave and write it here on the blog, where anyone can read it. It is scary and uncomfortable, and I will likely face regret at some point.

But, I have several motivations for doing so.
1. I want to grow. I want the enemy and my flesh to lose their hold on me in this particular area. I want to walk FREE, truly free to admit my failures and weaknesses and sins, as immature as they may be, because Jesus paid the greatest price for me to be able to do so. My heart longs to honor His sacrifice and to declare, "World, Jesus' blood covers ALL!  Jesus is a Redeemer and a Conqueror and a Lover to the unlovely, to the emotionally immature, to the self-centered idolater like me. He wants to redeem your life, conquer your sin, and love YOU, too"

2. I need prayer and am unashamed to solicit boldly and broadly for it. Thanks in advance.

3. I know as much as I want to be heard and understood, there are countless others like me who also want to be heard and understood, who battle this same kind of temptation and may think they are alone. But, I know that what I face, even at 37 years old, is common to man.  And, so I hope that in me putting myself "out there", someone else may find hope and courage in knowing they are NOT alone.

Could it be true?

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Could it be true?

Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day...  I Corinthians 15:3

Could it be true?

The above passages are what Easter is all about for Christians. On Good Friday, we remember the death of Jesus. On Easter Sunday we celebrate Jesus rising from the dead, conquering sin and death and accessing eternal life for all who confess their need for a Savior.

Could this all be true? Or is it just some religious mythology helping some of us assuage a guilty conscience?

I've wondered this many times in my life. Belief has not and does not come easy to me.   

A passage in Romans 4 recently helped me in my ongoing battle for belief.
It is a section of scripture that reminds the New Testament reader of Old Testament Abraham.

Abraham was given a promise from God that he would become the father of many nations, but he was old. really old. Romans 4 says that his body was "as good as dead."  Umm, I'm no biblical scholar, but I'm thinking that is hinting at a really old Abraham, past the child bearing stage of life kind of old. 

And, Romans 4 tells us that he wasn't in denial about this. One version says Abraham "faced the facts"; another version tells us that he "considered his own body."

And, it's this phrase that caught me recently, "considered his own body."

When I consider--not the state of my physical body but rather the state of my soul--all I've done to incur God's wrath: the hatred I've had in my heart toward others, the selfishness I've had that has put others in harm's way at times, my pride that has refused to love others like Jesus has loved me, my disrespect toward others, my disregard for God's authority in my life, my disdain of the way God has allowed the circumstances of my life to play out at times, my foul mouth, anger, bitterness, rage, ingratitude...and then consider that God knows deeper still how black and vile my heart is, it leaves me wonder often, "Could it be true?"

Could it be true that God's perfectly Holy Son would come to earth, take on human flesh, make Himself subject to earthly authorities, and follow His Father's plan which led Him to a bloody cross? For me?

Could it be true that Jesus incurred the full wrath of God that MY sins deserved, not His? He was sinless. He didn't deserve to be abandoned by God. I do, though.

Could it be true that this same Jesus, after being dead for 3 days, conquered death and rose again?

Could it be true that he then appeared as a risen Jesus to more than 500 people before He ascended into Heaven where He is NOW preparing an eternal home for me?

Could it be true that I will one day spend all eternity with Jesus in this eternal home the Bible calls Heaven, where there will be no more tears, no more death, no mourning, no crying, no pain?

Could it all really be true?

Romans 4 encourages me to believe that it could be true. 

You see Abraham was "as good as dead" but GOD told him he'd be the father of many nations. Romans 4 tells us Abraham "believed against all hope", "did not weaken in faith", "did not waver", "grew strong in faith", was "fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised."

And Romans 4 tells me that I am to benefit from Abraham's example.
Romans 4 was written for me and for others who wonder, "Could it really be true?" Romans 4 tells us that Abraham's faith was counted to him as righteousness and that my belief will be counted to me as such, too.

And, I begin to hope, "Oh perhaps this is true. Wouldn't it be amazing if it were true?"

So, with that mustard seed of faith, I confess, "IT IS TRUE!"

I face the facts of who I am and yet without wavering, grow more fully convinced that God is able to do what He has promised.

And, I read beyond Romans 4 to Romans 5 where it tells me that this hope will NOT disappoint.

Psalm 25 confirms this as well, telling me that I, one who puts her hope in these truths, will not be put to shame. 

I will one day die. I will stand face to face with my Creator. I will be called to account for all my sins. I will be able to say, "Jesus has taken the punishment that I deserved for all my sins."  I will hear, "Enter into my rest, good and faithful servant." I will spend eternity in a Heavenly paradise, worshiping the One who saved me. 

I will then know that not only COULD it be true; it IS true!

Going "Home" for Christmas?

I've been thinking about the concept of "home" lately. Especially at Christmas, the idea is emphasized that we all have a home, not just in the physical sense, but emotionally. We have a place and people around whom we feel we can be ourselves, we are loved and accepted, known and embraced with all our quirks and shortcomings. We don't have to walk on proverbial egg shells or unduly weigh our words. We are at ease, experiencing peace and comfort and all those warm fuzzies everyone talks about.

But, going home for the holidays isn't always like that, is it? Having family and even people we call friends in our home isn't always like that. Sometimes, there's tension, emotional distance, difficulty in communication, offenses, bitterness, and maybe even hatred toward those with whom we share a home or to whom we open our home at this time of year.

And, then there are those who can't be home this time of year. They can't be with the ones they love and cherish. I think of my friends, the Goerlings, whose dad/husband is in Afghanistan. I'm sure they'd all love for him to be home with them this Christmas, but he can't. Or, my friends, Joel and Cindy Rishel, who expected to have 4 boys from Brazil home with them for Christmas this year. They're in the process of adopting these little men, and we all thought they'd be together by now. But, they're not.

Even going home to my own family in PA, I can't help but to think of both the beauty and the brokenness my family represents. My family exists because two people died. My dad died of cancer when I was twelve. My stepdad's late wife died when she was hit by a car while she walked along the side of a country road with a dear, family friend.

And, what about 26 families in Newton, Connecticut, who have presents wrapped under their trees ready for their children and loved ones who will never open them, who will never come home again?

This afternoon, I learned about other families in upstate New York who will be making funeral plans for their loved ones, firefighters, who responded to a 911 call gone awry. Those brave, dutiful firefighters will never return home.

The word "home" carries with it so much meaning, expectation, potential joy and pain.

So the words to the well known Christmas song, "I'll be Home for Christmas" don't really ring true for many of us sometimes, at least probably not in the sentiment they're sung.
I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me...

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the lovelight gleams...

We can't count on others all the time, can we? And, those we do count on sometimes leave us. Or they can't be there when we need them.  Christmas remains, nevertheless, an invitation home. But, perhaps not in the way we conventionally think about home.

Matthew 1:23 says, "Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call His name Immanuel--which means GOD WITH US".

John 1:14 says, "And the Word became flesh (this is Jesus' birth) and DWELT AMONG US", literally pitched his tent with ours.

At Christmas we remember when God made His HOME among men.

For Christians, Christmas is not just the memory of God with us; it is the REALITY of God with us that we celebrate. God is WITH us.

God was with my dad when he took his last breath. He was with me as I stood by his bedside holding his hand one last time. God was with my stepdad's wife, Eunice, as she received that death blow from a reckless driver. God is with Tom Goerling in Afghanistan and also with his family here in Maryland who long for him to be with them, too.

The God who created the heavens and the earth, who gave us our life and sustains us is WITH us; He has made His home in us.

John 14:23 says, "If anyone loves me, he will keep my word and my Father will love him, and will come to him and MAKE OUR HOME WITH HIM".

As a Christian, Christmas is a place to call home. It is a place where Christ has intersected our real world with its real muck and mess to be WITH us, to make His home with us. Knowing and remembering this can supply all the comfort, peace and joy one wants or needs.

When you're in that living room, sitting around the tree, cordially opening gifts you really don't want or need, thanking people with whom there is relational discord, remember GOD is WITH you. And, He has come not just to comfort you in that moment but also to empower you, strengthen and grace you to be a reflection of HIS grace to those people around you whom you call family or friend.

When you skype with the one who can't physically be with you this Christmas or pray over their pictures, remember God is WITH you. He is there to hold you together, to help you wait, to strengthen you for the hardship of being apart.

When you visit that gravesite, weeping that your loved one will never be home again for Christmas, remember that God is WITH you. He is there to comfort, to heal your broken heart, to give peace and joy. He is WITH you.

If you are not a Christian, Christmas is an invitation to come home.  It's an invitation to know Immanuel, God with us. It's an invitation to know His forgiveness, love and grace! It's an invitation home.

Sandy and the Giant Jesus

Staring at a fish tank can be mesmerizing and calming, but after an hour it's just boring. Judah and I sat in the basement of Wilmer Eye Institute waiting for the doctor to give Judah his annual eye exam. With no magazines to read nor electronic device with which to play, we were left with the fish. Does anyone know why a fish would suck up stones from the bottom of the tank and then spit them out? Maybe he was as bored as we were?!

Finally, we were called to an exam room.

If you've not had the opportunity to be a patient at a teaching hospital such as Johns Hopkins (and I hope you have not), it's like a party in the room. You've got your technician or nurse who does all the work, the expert doctor, the one whose name is on your bill, and then a myriad of others, some residents, some interns, some fellows. The doctor could have his plumber in the room, and the patient would be none the wiser.

After strange person #2 examined Judah, he asked, "Mom, how many doctors do I have to see before I go home?" We were lucky today. Only 3!

Reading charts, eyes dilated, the brightest lights on the planet laser focused on his eyeballs and a doctor, who likely has coffee breath looking intently at your eye through a lens that magnifies that bright light even more are the hoops Judah has to jump through before he is allowed to leave.

Now, don't misunderstand. I am so grateful my son is able to receive this kind of excellent, thorough care. Recently, Judah learned that Johns Hopkins is considered one of the best hospitals in the world. Since then, he's repeated several times, "I am so glad I get to go to the best hospital in the world." And, we are, too! Truly.

I wouldn't be recounting our visit today in such a flippant manner had the outcome of Judah's examinations been different. We received good news today. The surgeries Judah had as a baby are holding strong and keeping the condition in his eyes stable for now. We are grateful.

After a much longer visit than I anticipated, it was the dinner hour, and Judah and I were both in need of nourishment. I needed caffeine for the trip home. Judah needed pizza and root beer. :) So, we trekked down the hallway to the hospital cafeteria.

Fixing my coffee, I bump into someone and politely say, "Excuse me." Out of the corner of my eye, I wonder if I know the woman I bumped. We all have these moments. You see someone out of context, out in public somewhere and you wonder, "Do I know that person? I think I know that person. I do know that person. I wonder if she saw me. I wonder if she recognizes me."

And, it's at this point you have a decision to make. Do I initiate a greeting, wait to see if she initiates, or bury my head in my purse to look for something while I dart around the corner pretending I never saw the person?

God is growing me in making the most of these opportunities, especially when Judah and I are at the hospital in part due to the memory of our first trip to Hopkins. Judah and Tucker were only days old, and here we were at a world renown hospital. I was incredibly overwhelmed with our new reality. I wasn't but several feet inside the doors of Hopkins when a woman approached me who was accompanying her young daughter in a wheelchair with tubes coming out of her nose. She offered her smile, a warm greeting, reassurance that we were in good hands and a hug. I am convinced she was an angel sent from Heaven to me that day. I have never forgotten that experience.

And, now I want to be that angel to someone else, daunted by their new found reality of illness, weakness, and even imminent death.

So, I approached her. Not remembering her name, I asked her if she had at one time attended IUP and worked in the Writing Center. Indeed she did. I confessed that I thought I knew her but didn't remember her name. She graciously replied, "Sandy. Did you used to be blonde?"

After introducing Judah to her and a very brief catching up, I asked what brought her to Hopkins. She nodded to the right in the direction of an elderly couple, "My mom."

I gently touch her arm and ask her mom's name.

"Paula."

It must have been so fresh that she couldn't even utter the diagnosis.

Sandy was the deer in the headlights I remember being that first day we visited Hopkins.

I looked Paula and her husband in the eye and back to Sandy and said, "Well, I don't know specifically what to pray for, but I will pray for you on our way home tonight."

And, with that Judah and I left.

Instead of walking straight to our car, I took Judah to see the giant statue of Jesus that is so well known at Hopkins.

Jesus Statue in Johns Hopkins Hospital, a photo by integrity_of_light on Flickr.

Rounding the corner, I ask Judah if he remembers seeing this.
"No, mom. Why is it here?"

"I'm not sure what the history of it is, Judah, but maybe it's here to remind all the sick people and the smart nurses and doctors who the real healer is, who the Great Physician is." I replied.

And, with that we found a corner near the book where people write out their prayers and took a knee to say a prayer for Sandy and Paula and Paula's doctors.

I remember working with Sandy. She was an upbeat, perpetually positive person. But, I didn't know if Sandy knew the Creator who gave her such a disposition. Nearing the end of my stint as a writing tutor, not knowing if I'd ever see Sandy again, I asked her if I could share the "Four Spiritual Laws" with her, a booklet that takes a person through the Gospel.

At the time, it may have been just information, but I don't know what God's done in Sandy's life or heart since then. I don't know if she's run into other Christians who have shared with her the life giving truths of the Gospel. But, I do know she's likely feeling desperate tonight. And, I'm praying that if she hasn't made Christ her Savior and God, she will.

So, next time I'm staring at fish waiting for the doctor to call my name, I will remember Sandy and know that all timing is God's timing and that there might just be another divine run in waiting for me around the corner.

The Why of the Christian's Life

I believe the Lord confronted me recently, and I am grateful.

Walking up the stairs to bed, I grabbed the two items that were there to be taken up and put away. It was an "ah" kind of moment when I relished in this feeling that I had my house back in order. mostly. enough for me to have shaken that restless feeling of being out of control.

And in that split second sigh of relief, God's Spirit confronted me and upset my peace but in a way that left me humbled and grateful for the humbling.

He spoke a quiet, "Remember why you are here."

Matthew 28: 19, 20 is a record of Jesus's last words before He ascended into Heaven and what He gently spoke to me afresh that evening:

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold I am with you always to the end of the age.

The peace I derive from my home having some semblance of order--that sense of purpose I feel as I straighten up, scrub, dust, clean--is so fleeting and shallow if it doesn't find its roots of purpose in this final commission Christ gave to all believers.

If the "why" behind what I do all day long is simply because it makes me feel good, I have sold myself short of such greater pleasures and sense of purpose.

When all I do is somehow rooted in the Great Commission, I then know the greatest sense of purpose there is to be had on earth. And, I know peace--true, lasting peace that comes from orienting my heart, thoughts, deeds to the "why" of life, of my life in Christ--to go and make disciples.

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