Monday, February 18, 2008

Job Offer...

My hubby emailed this to me today from work. I thought I'd post it here for your amusement and encouragement today:

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Mami, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop, Papi

JOB DESCRIPTION :Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilitiesalso include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, withoutcomplaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that thosein your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

This was my hubby's addition:


Handling of biohazardous waste in the form of poopie diapers after every bottle and feeding, administration of rectal temperature readings, cleaning up spills from the pottie seat in the minivan (or yacht-on-wheels) after braking too hard because you forgot there was a payload in there, and removal of vomit from your date-night outfit 30 minutes before your dinner reservations.

Must be bilingual being able to speak toddler babble and introducing it into adult conversations: “Honey (spouse), I’ll be right back. I have to go poopie upstairs.”
What would your additional responsibilities include?


Anonymous said...

I am laughing out loud!

Anonymous said...

That's awesome!! ;)

Kristin said...

I found the one about braking too hard because you forgot there was a load in the back to be particularly funny! I guess you find it as funny as I found the latch not working! :)Look forward to catching up with you soon!

Anonymous said...

I hope you keep these to write a book someday. The one I never got written-no time. Now I look at all of you with a smile from ear to ear. How did all go last night? Keep laughing-make life fun!

Anonymous said...

Must remember that each doll or Little People has an individual personality and must play with them accordingly. Must have mindreading abilities, for example, to know that the favorite shirt they want to wear is in the hamper.