Sunday Night Summary, August 16, 2015

Reading: This wasn't a super exciting reading week. What little time I took to read, I spent it in a book entitled, "Seizures and Epilepsy in Childhood, A Guide," by John Freeman, Eileen Vining, and Diana Pillas.  Published by Johns Hopkins Press, it was a book recommended by Bella's neurologist. Admittedly, I did not get very far into this book before wanting to put it down. Not exactly a page turner, but something I feel I need to read to best understand what is happening in my daughter's brain. 

The definition of absence seizures, the type of seizure Bella has is thus, An absence seizure, formerly called petit mal, is a very special and uncommon type of seizure.  It starts suddenly and without warning.  The child displays a glazed look and stares.  She doesn't know what is happening and usually cannot later recall things that occurred during the seizure.  Occasionally, there is a little eye-blinking or head-bobbing.  The episode usually lasts seconds, occasionally as long as fifteen seconds, and ends as abruptly as it started.  When the seizure ends, the child is immediately alert.  There is no confusion afterward.  These seizures may occur many times a day and are often mistaken for day dreaming."

Thankfully, Bella has never been hurt during one of her seizures, and they do not last longer than a few seconds.  Nevertheless, we are still trying to work on controlling them through medication and other means. 

Another book I continued this week was a Bible study on the prophets of the Old Testament by Nancy Guthrie, entitled, "The Word of the Lord: Seeing Jesus in the Prophets." I read to the end of Jeremiah this week and started reading the book of Daniel. 

Watching: More exciting than reading about seizures, LA and I started a new Netflix series called, "Chef's Table." This series ropes me in on many levels: the food, the psychology of each chef featured and the journey they have taken to arrive at the status of a world renown chef.  

We have only watched two of the six episodes in this series,but I wonder if I already watched my favorite episode, the 2nd, which highlighted Chef Dan Barber.  Aside from his near constant, foul language, his passion for flavor and as a result for the ways in which food is grown and soil is cared for really resonated with me.

Lawrence had a meeting one evening this week, so the kids and I watched "Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire."  The boys have read devoured the entire Harry Potter series over this past year. It has provided much fodder for imaginative play and thoughtful discussion with our kids about good vs. evil, what the spells in Harry Potter mean (I am totally counting this as a Latin credit for my boys!), about magic and the way it can appropriately be viewed as entertainment but also inappropriately applied when one tries to gain control over someone or something over which only God Himself has control. 

On family night, we brought out a classic to watch with the kids, "Chariots of Fire."  Competitive running for the glory of God versus one's self glory is one of the themes of this film and why I love it so much. "When I run, I feel God's pleasure," a statement made by one of the film's main characters, Eric Liddell, is a sentiment I share. 

My children did not share my appreciation. Sigh. They were bored and respectfully bit their tongues throughout the movie so that I alone could enjoy it. 

Eating:  We enjoyed one of my summer favorites this week: Tomato Pie. You don't have to love tomatoes to love this savory pie.  It seems I was the last of my friends who I know also love this dish to make and enjoy it. Here is the recipe link:  http://www.home-ec101.com/tomato-pie/

Doing:  We continued with musical practice with the performance scheduled for September 27th.  J and T are both working on speaking parts, and B is working on a special dance the 7 and 8 year old girls will be doing. 

Judah had his annual follow up with his eye surgeon. After many tests, pictures, dilation and bright lights shone in his eyes, Judah was sent off with the great report of stable eyes.  We are so grateful. 

Providentially, we were at Hopkins the same day a friend of ours' step father was admitted for brain surgery. Judah and I had the opportunity to take some small snacks to them and spend a few minutes talking and praying for God's peace and healing.

Hopkins is a "home away from home" for us, an oddly comfortable place for us to bring a familiar face and hopefully the presence of God and His goodness to those who might find themselves there. 

This past weekend, we had three different sets of friends who were there for one reason or another. It's not a place of ministry I would have ever chosen for myself or my kids, but it has become a place where God has shown me so much of Himself, His provision and many mercies. It is a place in which I am grateful our family can serve and bless others in ways we have so richly been blessed. 

We enjoyed lunch dates, play dates, and more swimming this week.

Bella had the opportunity to have her hair cut with a friend which was so fun for both girls. My only regret is not getting this done at the BEGINNING of the summer rather than at the end. Duh!

We continued with our Trust Based Parenting class, the third of four sessions we will have. I am grateful to be exposed to another way of thinking through and responding to my (and others') children's behavioral challenges.  If nothing else, it is growing in me more empathy, compassion and understanding that people, like books, cannot be judged by their "covers." 

It was so refreshing to be at church this morning; I needed to hear truth and laud truth after the day I had yesterday. A conflict between LA and me spiraled me into a web of lies that I pondered and perseverated on until it literally wore me out physically. By the end of the day, when we were scheduled to have a family over for dessert, I was "stuck" in bed. I crawled in bed at 6 and slept heavy for 2.5 hours. When I woke, I was postured so differently, level headed and reasonable, patient and willing to be entreated. 

I am not much different from a child, I suppose. I need to have proper rest, exercise, good eating and my meds. all on board to function anything close to normal.

And, here's the thing. The conflict remains unresolved. Honestly, I don't know how it is going to be resolved. I don't even really know what needs to happen, who needs to move on his position. But, LA and I are united again to persevere in grace with one another. We are committed afresh to keep fighting for peace and further unity, and that alone is a huge victory or at least a huge victory for us.

This morning, we listened to a message our pastor boldly delivered on self deception. It happened to Saul. It happens to all of us. His big idea was that self deception is not in itself evil, but rather the means by which many evils are done.  

I topped off the week running a 5K at a local vineyard. It's a race I did with a group of girlfriends last year and had so much fun. This year for a variety of reasons, all the girls who registered to run with me couldn't make it. So, my hubby and kids came with me to cheer me on and watch me run.  

It was a hot run and not the time I was hoping for, but an opportunity to run nonetheless. And, I am always grateful for each time I complete another run; I know I am not owed any of those paces. But, boy do I love running!

Looking ahead:  This is the last week of summer vacation for us. We will have our "soft start" to school on the 24th of August. So, I am sure I will pack in as much fun as I can possibly muster amidst the ordinary needs of life.

The Perfect Master of Our Less Than Perfect Marriage

We are not your Hallmark couple
Though we both love the Hallowed One who made us a couple

We have not been a safe place for each other
But we know and love and run to the One who is an inpenetrable Refuge.

We are not each other's best friends
Yet we have a friend Who sticks closer than a brother.

We have wounded and wronged each other more times than we can count.
Even so, our souls have been bought by the One who was wounded for us and Who will one day make all wrongs, right.

We have grown tired and weary in our striving for peace
Yet our lives are sustained by the Prince of Peace whose understanding none can fathom!

We have scratched and clawed our way to 12+ years of wavering faithfulness and devotion to one another
But the strong arms of God's unfailing love have held us and carried us to today.

We have said so many hurtful, hateful things, condemned and criticized
Though we stand no longer condemned by the One whose judgment alone counts.
We are loved and accepted by Him who speaks only words of affirmation and love over us.

Our marriage is to be a reflection of Christ's love for His bride and the church's reciprocal love and yieldedness to Jesus
Instead we have reflected much lesser, base values of this world.
It has reflected our often wandering hearts that crave delights that cannot satisfy.

There is: who we are, what we see and have experienced in trying to love one another
Then there is: WHOSE we are and what we have not YET seen but will one day---

I have been an imperfect bride.
You have been a less than loving lover.
But the Lover of our souls is perfect.
His love has never failed us.

We are together His bride--cleansed, whole, healed, and eternally loved.

Together, we are still becoming all Jesus fought for us to be.

Today, again, I choose to stand with your hand in mine,
Your heart intertwined with mine
Our gaze on Him, our perfect Savior
                              our perfect Lord
                              our perfect God
Awaiting the day He makes us what He's claimed us to be:
His perfect bride.

Thoughts About Marriage on our 12th Anniversary

Wedded bliss?  I have never known it. Those rose colored glasses that many couples wear while they date, are engaged and slowly remove that first year of marriage?  Lawrence and I never bought them, never wore them and hence never had to remove them.

But here we are celebrating 12 years of married life together. High fives, smiles, a hug and some passionate kisses were shared between the two of us along with a scrumptious dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, Bonefish Grille.

To most who know us and anyone who follows me on facebook, it is not a secret that Lawrence and I have what we feel is a hard marriage. Truly, I realize that there are marriages that are SO much harder than ours. What defines a hard marriage anyway? I suppose every marriage is hard in its own way.

So, let me take just a sentence or two to define what is hard about OUR marriage.  In a nutshell, Lawrence and I are the two most opinionated, proud, stubborn people on the planet. A close friend of ours recently said that we are two control freaks battling it out for control all day, everyday.  We care about too much. We are passionate about too much, and we are skilled debators. Everything can become fodder for a fight between the two of us.  From parenting decisions to home improvement choices to how we spend a Saturday, we can somehow find a way not only to argue about it but to make a case as to why it is so very crucial that we argue about it. I am telling you; it is exhausting.

But, we have scratched and clawed our way to celebrating 12 years together. We have confessed sin to one another, asked for forgiveness, and granted forgiveness more times than we can count. We have invited countless friends and mentors and, in the last several months, a professional marriage counselor into the nitty gritty details of our marriage by way of soliciting their counsel and prayers.

We read books on marriage, make date night happen regularly, and "always kiss each other goodnight" (sometimes at 2 or 3 in the morning because the fight lasted that long).  We have pet names, nothing overly exotic or gross, but pet names nonetheless.  We call each other during the day almost every day. We communicate a lot. about a lot. We still hold hands when out in public. My husband opens the car door for me and pumps gas for me as much as he has the opportunity to. But, let me tell you, all these things really are just motions and can be playacting for us and any married couple if there aren't a few things in place.

I am CLEARLY not in a position to give marriage advice, or maybe I am.  Maybe because married life (and even our dating life for that matter) has not been a walk in the park and the most blissful, emotionally buoying experience, I do have a few things I can say work well in propelling a marriage in the right direction.

12 (12 sounds so right to go with the 12 years we have been married, but I just do not know that much, so it is only four things) 4 things I have learned from 12 years in a hard marriage:

1. Commitment is what will carry you to 2 years, 12 years, 22 or 52 years. There is no way around this. When we take vows to love "in sickness and health and in good times or bad", we really have NO way of knowing how that resolve is going to be tested.  And a part from infidelity or abuse, there is a whole heck of a lot one or both of you may be required to endure for the sake of the vow you made.

Which leads me to the 2nd thing...

2. GRACE.  Grace as I best understand it is giving to someone that which he does not deserve. This can be tangible or intangible. I have long, too long, like until just a couple months ago long....treated Lawrence based on his performance or lack thereof. I have standards in my mind, sometimes that I am not even aware of until they're not met, and when he does not meet those standards, I basically punish him in some way.  Wow...this just does not lead to anything good for anyone.

I think I am only recently realizing that true love for Lawrence (and anyone for that matter) must and can only truly come from a heart that is not demanding anything in return, a heart that is willing to overlook offense, a heart that is so full of GOD's unconditional love and acceptance of her that she can draw upon that to give to her husband.  There is so much more that could be said about this, but I'll move onto #3.

3. Be real with the people around you about the hard realities of your marriage. By this I do not mean to complain about your spouse every opportunity you get to hang out with the guys or girls. And, I have had to ask for forgiveness from friends on more than one occasion for doing so myself.  By this I mean, be transparent with others about the temptations you face in extending love, grace, trust, perseverance, hope to your spouse for the purpose of receiving encouragement, counsel, and prayer. As much as Lawrence and I continue to duke it out with each other, I do not know that we would even be married today a part from the community of friends, family and mentors who have cheered us on, prayed for us, cried with us, and kicked us in the proverbial pants when we needed it.

4. Figure out what marriage is really all about.  Marriage, the covenantal union of a man and a woman, is to be a reflection of Christ and His Church.  As was so well articulated by my pastor just this morning, "God does not grade a marriage on how satisfied the partners are or how long they stick it out.  He grades a marriage on how well it reflects Christ and His church," which has everything to do with the Gospel.  The good news of Jesus is that He, the perfect Son of God, took the punishment from God the Father that WE deserved upon Himself by dying on a cross.  He died, was buried and rose again, conquering death and sin.

He offers us the choice to be reconciled to God, our Creator, by recognizing we do not live up to His standards of righteousness. We offend our Creator by not acknowledging Him or our need for Him. But, He offers us forgiveness and restoration of our relationship with Him by the confession of our need and His sufficiency.  He offers us eternal life with Him rather than eternal death and separation from God by believing in His Son, Jesus.

And in marriage, in MY marriage I get to reflect Jesus' love and grace to me by extending love and grace to Lawrence over and over again. For another 12 years and 12 years after that, and 12 years after that we both hope and pray.

One Word

One word for the new year. One word. Not several journal pages full. Not a list of resolutions. No bullet points. Just.One.Word.--  To provide a focus for one's year, a way to 'see' what God may be trying to accomplish in one's life. One word. Really? Just one?  Impossible task for this verbose girl.

I first read about this idea from one of my favorite bloggers, Ann Voskamp, over on her blog, A Holy Experience.  She references the book, "My One Word: Change Your Life with Just One Word" as her inspiration and direction with this exercise.   I have read many of Ann's blog posts, and one thing I love about Ann's writing is her use of words, many of them, constructed as a poetic prose to prevail upon my hard, broken, needy heart.  Yet, she has chosen just ONE word for her year the last several years.   Her word for 2014 is "Jesus."  Seems a little like cheating to me. How can you go wrong with that one?
**That was my first and likely last criticism of this godly lady, even if it was "tongue in cheek."

My "California friend, Bethany" (as I refer to her because while I have never met her in real life, she is a friend to me, and she lives in California) mentioned on her facebook status that she has been thinking it over as well. What will her one word be for 2014?  California Bethany, like me, likes to use a lot of words to describe a circumstance or her feelings. This is, in a small way, why I feel we are kindred spirits. And, I thought, "If these ladies can narrow down to one word, so can I!"  Why must I turn everything into a competition?  Goodness gracious, some habits die hard.

Other friends of mine have jumped in on this exercise. My friend, Danielle, announced on instagram her ONE word for the year, "Blessing."

And so, I have been thinking about this one word idea.

The first word that came to me was, "RUN," not in the sense of run from one's problems, even though I am often tempted to do that at times, but rather in the literal sense of the word. In the past 6 months, God has given the gift of running back to me after going nearly 6 years without running regularly.  With an instable and weak spine, I thought regular running was out of the cards for me for good.  Nevertheless, I gave it another try this summer and into the fall. I had been running on average 3 times a week and had worked up to 5 mile runs.  Nearing the end of 2013, I began to think about trying for a half marathon in 2014.  It's been something I have wanted to do for a long time.

I mentioned it to my hubby, started looking up races I could sign up for in 2014 along with training schedules. Running on a mixture of head strong intentions, 4 days worth of Christmas goodies and worn out sneakers, I ended up throwing my back out at the end of December after getting greedy by going for a 6.5 mile run.  More than a week later, I'm still icing it and typing this from the floor.

All that to say, I am uncertain about choosing the word, "Run" for 2014. I will still pursue the half marathon as much as I am able, but I have to recognize my road to the half may be a long and often interrupted course.

The next word that I thought of was "ABSORB" as in absorbing others', particularly my husband's, offenses.  Ever listen to or read something that sticks with you for life? A message John Piper gave entitled, "Blessed are the Meek" from Matthew 5 contained one line that has stayed with me years later. It was, "Meekness is the power to absorb adversity and criticism without lashing back."   I am not meek, especially when it comes to absorbing any hint of criticism my hubby throws my way. I lash back like a lion, ferociously. This needs to change in order for LA and me to move forward in our communication and love for one another. So, "absorb" seems like it could be a good fit.

As I thought over "absorb", however, I sensed its focus was on me, my behavior, my ability to be Christ like or inability moreso. And, the thought of spending concentrated, mental and emotional energy on changing my heart and subsequent behavior that oozes out of that heart discouraged me.  Quickly, I recalled the changes God has been bringing about in my life, and I realized I want to walk away from old patterns of self focus, of 'law bound' effort and self atonement.  Choosing a word like absorb, I fear, would cast me daily into that pit again of self loathing and defeat. No thanks.

"Forgive" was the next word that jumped into my mind because I have some bitterness and hard feelings toward some folks, and I need to forgive and move on, whatever that is supposed to look like. Honestly, I have no idea what to even aim for with this one, how to go about it, and all that I mentioned in the previous paragraph again applies here.

"Rebuild"? As in rebuild my relationship with my husband, my Lord, His church. There has been much upheaval in our lives in the past year, and we are ready to rebuild, shift paradigms and patterns of thinking, being and doing.  I still feel a little unsure on some of the foundation work, however. I know that Christ is our Bedrock, our sure Foundation. That has not changed. He remains the same. His love endures. He is still our all in all. But, some of the ways we have done life for so long are changing, and we need to rebuild. eventually. I am just not certain we have all the foundation pieces in place quite yet. "Rebuild" feels a little premature still.

"Pray"?  Prayer is good. It is always a good thing. Prayer accomplishes more than anything else I could do. Prayer could be all encompassing.

At this point, I am perplexed and just want to be silly about the whole thing. How about the word, "Fun" because really, don't girls just want to have fun?  But, again, I have to try to have fun, or have a glass of wine in me to be fun. Fun is out.

HEAL?  because I have felt particularly broken this last half of 2013.
OPEN? to what and where and to whom God wants us to bless in 2014.
GRATEFUL? because as A.Voskamp says, "it always precedes the miracle", and I need some miracles in my life.
GRACE? because I have lived 32 years of life on earth professing to be a believer in Grace-Incarnate, Jesus Christ, and I don't really know that I "get grace", on the receiving or giving end.
TRUTH? because I am seeking afresh God's truths. What does it look like to follow Jesus who says HE is the TRUTH?
READ? because I always want to be reading more than I do.
WRITE? because I always want to be writing more than I do.
ARITHMETIC... because....just kidding. That was just was a stream of consciousness move there. ha!

It is at this point in my post that I stopped and had my hubby read it. He looked at me questioningly, "So, what's your word going to be?" I ramble on about how I don't only want to write when I have a nicely packaged conclusion or life lesson to share, but when I am still in process.  I want to write when I've got nothing.

Responding to that, LA shared with me that he has been thinking about a mantra for 2014. He is our "mantra maker", and he comes up with good ones that almost always reflect our life rather well.  He's certainly the concise one among the two of us.  And he said that as he prayed about 2014, the only thing that came to him was nothing.

We dialogued for a bit about this, puzzled, because for two task oriented, ambitious people, "nothing" does not sound all that appealing.  It even sounds frightening. But, we both agreed that for us, for now, it sounds right on.

NOTHING. and in expanded form, "I've or We've got nothing."

Nothing in my hands I bring, 
Simply to thy cross I cling; 
Naked, come to thee for dress;
Helpless, look to thee for grace;
Foul, I to thy fountain, Lord, I fly;
Wash me, Savior, or I die.

2013, the year of "NEW"

2013 was a year of change, transitions and lots of "new" in our life.

One of the biggest changes was the purchase of our new home at the end of June. We have been blessed beyond our expectations and dreams with this new home. Lawrence and I still recall some of the 40 homes we considered and even put offers on and pinch ourselves that God made a way for us to buy the one we did.

Along with the joys of our new home has come more responsibility and a lot to learn. We are still figuring out how to take care of our property and our home's interior needs. We are super grateful for friends and family who are more knowledgeable and skillful than we are and are willing to offer that to us as we need it.

Purchasing our new home led to new routines, including my exercise regimen. It may sound trivial, but our membership to the Y was crucial for my overall well being for the last 4+ years. Having to drop that membership, I had to figure out how and what to do in order to keep my mind and body in shape.

I have long loved to run, but with my chronic back issues, I gave it up for good, or so I thought, six years ago.  In God's kindness, I have been under the care of a chiropractor for the last three years who has brought significant improvement and relief in my back. I have been pain free for the majority of the time I have been treated by him. So, I thought I would give running a try again.  Lo and behold, in the last six months, I have surprised myself by reaching 5 mile runs with comfort.

Running has opened the door for relationship with one of our neighbors, Kim, and I have enjoyed taking several runs with her in the last several months.  She has three boys: a set of twins who are my boys' age and  her oldest who is 11.  Soon after we moved into our home, Kim and I enjoyed several afternoons talking while our kids played well together.

Once settled a bit, we began to reach out to other neighbors and discovered several, wonderfully friendly families in our neighborhood who appear to want to build community with each other. Lawrence and I are very excited about the potential opportunities for this.

New relationships abounded in 2013 for us. After 13 years at our church, we left for a variety of reasons. Though not an easy decision, it was necessary and has proven to be beneficial for us in many ways. While we have not yet settled into a new church "home", we have been attending a church about 20 minutes from our home that has been a good fit for us in this season.

We have remained a family on the 'fringes' so to speak, but have still been able to get to know a few individuals and families.  We are encouraged and challenged by the lead pastor's messages each Sunday morning and greatly appreciate his heart for God's mission of advancing His Kingdom in the local region and the world.

Leaving our old church initiated conversations afresh between Lawrence and me and among others on how to "do church". While we pray and read God's Word, talk with each other and trusted friends on this topic, we are also asking questions anew on how to do marriage and parenting as well in a way that honors God and reflects His image.

To help us navigate through these conversations, Lawrence and I began marriage counseling this past fall with a most excellent counselor, Eliza Huie. We are grateful for her grace-filled, biblical insights and input into our relationship. Though it be slow and small and so very inconsistent, we have seen change, maturity, and most of all a more loving and gentle handling of one another as we work through conflict and learn how to communicate with one another. Yes, even after 11 years of married life, three babies and two moves, we are still and just (?) learning how to communicate with one another.

New ways, new patterns are needed. This is evident to us both. Leaving the old ways is oh so hard, and we are still blowing it most of the time.  Ask my family who observed such old ways between Lawrence and me over Christmas vacation. Yuck. But, we are committed to growth, to change, to learning how to love like Christ. I think this is going to be the longest and possibly most painful journey of our lives, but one worth taking.

In addition to a new home, new church, new relationships, I took on a new role as 'tutor' at the homeschool co op with which the kids and I participate, Classical Conversations. While the role of a CC tutor is not the same as that of a typical classroom teacher, it has scratched the "itch" I have to instruct a crowd of more than my own three monkeys. It has required sacrifice on my part to plan for and execute each Monday's classroom time, but one I have gladly embraced (most of the time).

The last bit of "new" for our year was by far the most exciting and worthy of celebration. Lawrence's brother, Sam, married a wonderful, godly woman, Carrie, in September, adding another Tia for our kiddos and sister in law for LA and me.  To boot, they announced at Christmas that they are expecting their first baby in July, 2014. We are all thrilled for another Almengor grandchild/cousin/niece or nephew!!

On my side of the family, there will be another set of twins born in March, 2014 to my brother, Garrett, and his wife, Kristin, who have two boys already.  Who would have guessed two sets of twin grandkids for my parents?! And, my youngest brother, Brandon, proposed to his girlfriend, Brooke, and they are planning a wedding for May, 2014.

So much new! So much change to adjust to. Most of it is welcomed though some of it came via the path of grief and loss.  The dust is still settling, but it will settle. We will adjust. We will embrace it all eventually. We will learn and grow through all these transitions.

I trust 2014 will be a year of laying down tracks that we will be able to run in for years to come. As you think of our family, will you pray for us as we adjust to all the new in our lives? Will you pray that we will be thoughtful, purposeful, and most of all, make much of God in the new patterns, relationships, roles and responsibilities He has brought into our life?

We would love to hear from you, too, on how we can pray for you in 2014. Leave a comment here or email us directly and stay in touch!

"What Did You Expect"

My husband and I had the enormous blessing of being able to attend a marriage conference this past weekend hosted by Sovereign GraceChurch, Cherry Hill.  The speaker was Paul Tripp, and if you have not heard him speak or read anything he has written, you need to stop reading this post now and go to Amazon to order ANYTHING that he’s authored. I promise you no matter where you are in life, it will meet you in some way. Paul Tripp is a profound biblical author and speaker and has been used by God throughout the varying seasons and circumstances of my life to point me again to God’s truth, the wisdom of His ways and the goodness of His heart.

Anyone who knows me just a little bit probably knows that I don’t consider my marriage to be an easy one. It’s okay; my husband knows I feel this way. He feels that way, too. J  We’re both in it for the long haul. We love Jesus; we love each other. I would say that we’re incredibly different and that those differences are the cause of our frequent and heated conflicts, but I don’t think that’s entirely true.  We’re actually incredibly alike in the ways sin ensnares us, I think. We often say the most arrogant man on earth was attracted to and married the most arrogant woman on earth and boy, do the sparks fly!  The latter explanation likely gets a lot closer to pinpointing why Lawrence and I endure so much conflict in our marriage to one another.

Over the next week or two (or however long it takes me to actually write these posts), I thought I would share some of the key points I noted from the marriage conference in hopes that I would come a little closer to actually applying and God willing, gaining some traction toward a more God glorifying relationship with my husband.

I decided to do this publicly on my blog for two reasons: 1. Writing these posts will be a form of accountability for me to review my notes from the marriage conference which is one step closer in applying them. 2. I am hoping anyone who reads this will pray for me and our marriage (yes, this is a shameless plea for prayer…I’m pretty comfortable with asking for prayer!)

One inadvertent effect, I hope, from writing these posts will be that some of you who read may be encouraged and challenged in your marriages or other relationships because truth be told, so much of what I will share from the conference is applicable in a variety of relationships, not just marriage.

So, first post’s big idea is this:
“The character of marriage is set by the little moments.  The little moments matter because that’s where we live and that’s where God is.”

For me that means I pay attention to what many would call my “bickering” with Lawrence over just about anything and everything. We seem to find ourselves arguing at times about what most others would probably overlook or not even notice in the first place, like how to fold a blanket. True story.

It means putting down my dinner preparations to greet him warmly when he gets home from work with a hug and/or kiss.

It means not rolling my eyes when he flirts with me.

Many times, it means just thinking before I speak rather than reacting with words and a tone I often regret.

What might it mean for you to pay attention to the little moments?

Discouraged Lately?

To say I'm prone to discouragement is likely an understatement. I'm discouraged early and often and lately, it's been a daily battle. What is there to be discouraged about you may ask? For me, it's anything and everything these days.

I'm discouraged that my children are so hateful and disrespectful toward each other and me and their father. I'm then discouraged as I consider that LA and I have sadly set that example for them.

I'm discouraged that I have gained 5 pounds in the last several months. But, then I'm also discouraged that I can't be mature enough to not care, that my vanity is still so great that I obsess about the silly 5 pounds that likely few, if any notice. (Now you will. Ha!)

I'm discouraged by the lack of Christian witness I think my family displays when out in public: kids screaming and hitting each other, me screaming at them or being harsh. But, then I'm discouraged that I have chosen the lifestyle of homeschooling my children which forces us to be in each others' faces all. day. long and potentially creates more context for conflict and more temptation. This leads to the discouraging reminder that other families are homeschooling their (more than 3) children and have a rather peaceful co-existence. They even ENJOY one another's company. When out in public, they are pleasant, smiling, or at very least not drawing all kinds of negative "press" to the homeschooling community.

I'm discouraged by my inconsistency to keep in touch with family members and friends. But, then I realize I'm still trying to figure out how to keep my own little nuclear family clothed and fed most days. That thought discourages me to consider I am 8 years into this mothering thing and STILL haven't figured out how to juggle some rather simple balls of home management AND keep some semblance of relationship with those outside my four walls.

I'm discouraged when I spend too much time on Facebook, twitter or emailing at the apparent neglect of my family's needs, which are obviously great as evidenced by their hateful and disrespectful speech and actions toward one another.

I'm discouraged that after 10 years of marriage, it remains almost as difficult to communicate with my husband as it was when we were first married. In fact, it may even be more difficult now because in our communication we're both tempted to bring in that whole "record of wrongs" we're not supposed to keep.

I'm discouraged that I don't read my Bible more, serve more people at my church or in more capacities, follow through on burdens put on my heart from time to time, particularly the burden to write both here on the blog and personal notes of encouragement or thanks to others.

And, the greatest discouragement of all for me is quite the irony. It's that I'm discouraged!!  Doesn't the Psalm say,
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

So this is one of those life-long, ongoing battles I face and have been facing rather acutely in the last several months. Where do I go with these thoughts? By God's grace, because of His goodness and mercy that runs hard after me day after day, I am not satisfied to let them sit and fester negativity and anxiety in my mind. I do not want these oft repeated, discouraging thoughts to lead me down to the pit of despair where I have been before and never want to go again. Though, I will admit that the temptation to give in to discouragement is STRONG.

So, where do I go?

•  I pray. 

Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
    may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles without number surround me;
    my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
    and my heart fails within me.
¹³ Be pleased to save me, Lord;
    come quickly, Lord, to help me.
Psalm 40:12, 13

• I sing.

• I remind myself of what is true, lovely, pure, excellent, praiseworthy.

God will complete the good work He's begun in me. (Philippians 1:6)
God loves my children more than I love my children, and He is able to begin and complete His good work in them as well.
God's grace is greater than my sin, greater than the sin of my children, greater than my weaknesses and shortcomings. I have two quotes hanging on my kitchen cabinet doors that I look to often lately.

God specializes in using ordinary people whose limitations and weaknesses make them ideal showcases for His greatness and glory. taken from "Biblical Womanhood in the Home" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

God is always bigger than the need. Believing that God is bigger than your situation produces passion in your praise. (And, because of my shortcomings and weaknesses, I can't properly site the source for this.) 

• I talk

Admittedly, I've been doing less of this lately, and perhaps that is contributing to my overall sense of gloom and doom these past few months. Nevertheless, I do seek out my community of fellow believers in Christ and share the ways in which I'm tempted to give in to discouragement. I ask for prayer. So often God will use others to encourage me with perspective, hope and encouragement to keep fighting the good fight, keep believing in God to be greater than my circumstances. 

• I journal

Just recently LA came home, and I asked for just a half hour after dinner to sit at our local Target with a cup of coffee and journal. Because he's an amazing husband and very kind to me, he happily obliged knowing it would be for his good as well as mine for me to get away for a bit and journal. I had what I call a "heart dump" to the Lord. Via stream of consciousness, I wrote down all the burdens, anxieties, perplexities, concerns in my head and heart at the time. I believe it was 4 pages long, a list of the gazillion things in my teeny world concerning me that my God is MORE than sufficient to carry. 

Hear my prayer, O Lord;
let my cry come to you!
² Do not hide your face from me
in the day of my distress!

Incline your ear to me;
answer me speedily in the day when I call!  

Psalm 102

I cast all my cares on God through the form of journaling, knowing He cares for me.

• I listen

On the occasion that I don't have a child helping me prepare dinner, I will listen to a sermon online. I often go to desiringgod.org where I will scroll through the abundance of audio sermons by one of my favorite preachers, John Piper. Here's the one I listened to tonight (a re-listen):

 http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/biographies/to-live-upon-god-that-is-invisible

• I wait

Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:14

I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry.

Psalm 40:1

It's not a passive wait but a desperately humble one knowing ultimately it is God who must prevail upon my heart, upon my affections and mind. But I trust in Him and His Word. He says that no one whose hope is in Him will be put to shame. So, by God's grace, I will persevere. I will give thanks. I will look for the good, hope in Him, strive to see my life and circumstances through the lens of faith. And, by God's grace I will again be encouraged.

Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark.

That looks on tempests and is never shaken...

William Shakespeare

Looking at old pictures and a notebook full of sentiment and sap from our 'courting' days, I couldn't help but laugh just a little. At the time I penned so many words to Lawrence, now my husband of 10 years, then just a boy I thought I loved. I'm good for words, lots of words. I speak them. I write them. But, it's actions that count, isn't it?

And, for 10 years, it's been Lawrence's actions that have spoken louder than his few words, though his words are priceless, too. (For the record, he still has the best pick up lines ever, and they work every time.)

We thought we knew each other when we said, "I do." There was so much knowing yet to discover. And it certainly wasn't all pretty or enjoyable. We've seen the ugliest there is to see in a person. Anger.Bitterness.Betrayal.Selfishness.

We've had some really dark moments, some brought on by our own sin and others brought simply by the Sovereign Hand of God. So, how did we get to 10 years--two of the most opinionated (and always of differing opinions), prideful, stubborn people on the planet.

Marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ with His church. Christ lays down his life for His Bride, the church, and the church joyfully submits to the leadership of Christ, no matter the cost, assured of His love for her. Have we demonstrated this so well through our marriage? Not perfectly, probably not even well. But, we are trying.

We keep forgiving. We keep persevering. We keep suffering long. We keep looking to the One who does love perfectly. We keep covering over a multitude of sins because that's the only way we're going to get to 20 years and 30, 40 and should we both live long enough, 50 and 60!

For now, I'm just beyond ecstatic to be celebrating 10 years married to Lawrence Noe Almengor not because it's been better than I could have asked or imagined because, quite truthfully, it's been a nightmare at times. It's been a hard, hard road. It's been a fight to love and cleave and not look back. But, I celebrate because all that hard, all the fight, all the resolve to make this work is ALL because of God's abundant grace.

There is NO way we'd be here today if God had not set His affection on us, if He did not open our eyes to HIS great love that covers over a multitude of our own sins, freeing us to then in turn cover over a multitude of each other's sins.

I do love you, Lawrence. You are my man. I love that we have shared life's most gut wrenching moments together along with its greatest joys. I love your lines, and I am undone when I consider how you have asked God to allow me to die before you so you can "usher me into His arms." You have shown me great grace. You have done me great good. I thank God for you.

Happy 10 years of covenant love, Lawrence!