Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Crippling Fear

I wish I had some sort of update as to what is going on with my back, but unfortunately for now all I can write is that I'm still in pain...nothing compared to where I was on Sunday night, but still not able to function as I need to in order to take care of my husband & children. While we have once again been so well cared for by our family and friends, I have found it incredibly difficult not to be fit to provide for my husband's or children's needs during this time of recovery. Recovering is what we're all hoping is happening while I spend now the 3rd day in bed.

Last night, I was able to look in the mirror for the first time in 2 days and notice that I'm crooked. I don't really know how else to explain it, but it appears if nothing else, something is mis-aligned in my back or hips. I don't know if it's the cause or effect of my back pain over the last week, and I'm having a difficult time getting a doctor to see me.

After helping my husband get things ready for the kids to spend the day at a friend's house today (Thanks, Kathleen!!), we laid down to go to bed. Only, I was assaulted with all kinds of fearful thoughts to the point that I was convinced I was going to die in my sleep if I didn't get to a hospital. Lawrence and I prayed; he tried to sing worship songs to me, but nothing prevailed to bring me peace. I was trying to tell myself truths like God has my days numbered and if I'm going to die tonight, it won't matter if I made it to the hospital or not (I know most reading this are thinking I'm crazy for thinking such things, but at midnight on the 2nd full day of taking narcotics and laying in bed alone, it sounds very plausible.)

I was struggling to discern whether God was imparting some kind of intuition to me to go be seen by a medical doctor right away or if it was an assault from the enemy of my soul trying to keep me from the rest that I desperately need and the peace that God promises to His children who trust in Him. I became so convinced that I was going to die that my husband actually allowed me to call my dear friend, Heather, who also happens to be a Hopkins' nurse. It was nearly midnight when I called, and she was gracious and compassionate nevertheless.

She helped me think a bit more clearly through my symptoms and said that most of what I was experiencing was not acute nor merited emergent care. She graciously suggested that after spending 2 days in bed on narcotics, I was probably a little overly sensitive to any kind of change in my normal bodily functions. She then prayed with me and went back to sleep. I, however, was still in a state of unrest and panic. I pulled out the ring of verses I have from my labor/delivery experience with Bella and began to read all the verses under the "fear/anxiety" category aloud. God also led me to pray aloud, thanking Him for the truths and promises I was reading about in these verses.

I would nod off and wake right back up from evil images that would pop into my mind. I'd begin to read again, pray, nod off, wake up. And, the cycle continued like that for at least an hour or so. Eventually, my exhausted body took over my active mind, and I did fall asleep.

"In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From His temple He heard my voice and my cry to Him reached His ears." Psalm 18:6


Zoanna said...

Bri, I feel for you--and WITH you right now. I am having intense back pain and can't bear weight on my right foot. I, too, am crooked (in a physical way, that is!). Have you considered seeing a chiropractor? I love mine. He is Dr. Poane, a Christian, and very good. HIs number is 410. 420. 7676.
You might have a pinched nerve or what they call a bulging disk. Does it help to lean forward or to ice the most painful part? Sounds like your mental stuff is almost worse than the physical. Can you reduce the narcs till your head clears? Pryaing for you, friend, with real empathy over here. My CRNP's office phone has been busy all a.m. but thankfully the LORD never gives me a busy signal.

Zoanna said...

Dr Poane is very local, too, on Emmorton Rd at Barrington Place (across from new high school). So it would be a relatively short ride to his office. Call today, though.I think he does allergy relief on Thursdays.

Anonymous said...

I was just going to say the exact same thing - chiropractor. It can't hurt and it will probably help.

Briana Almengor said...

I have had chiropractic work done in the past, and it has ended up hurting me more than it helped. I have responded better to PT in the past w/ other back problems, and may pursue that again with this after we conclude it's not my kidneys or something else internal. I appreciate your suggestions, though.

Leanne said...

Did you get MRI results? If there's something wrong in terms of a bulging disk, it should show there, I'm pretty sure.

Praying for peace and relief. I understand that kind of bombardment a little too well.

Marlin said...

Bri, I was going to suggest a chiropractor also, but maybe your past experience will make the suggestion void. With your description of looking crooked, it seemed the logical suggestion. Especially since I have trouble keeping by hips aligned. I visit the chiropractor every two weeks to keep or put it back in line. Probably if I would lose some weight and excercise I would be able to cut down on my visits. Howerver I know that isn't your problem. I am praying that God will show you the right thing to do to get relief. Keep the faith - I know He will answer even though it seems like He is not there. Janet and I are trusting our prayers for Annette will be answered too.

Jen Clemmer said...

Praying, Praying, Praying . . . for peace, healing, and strength for both you and Lawrence. If there is anything that we can do, please let us know.

~M said...

Yvette asked me about my back pain from a year ago. It started off as increasing back pain for 2 weeks or so. In the end, it was a kidney infection that landed me in the hospital.
I went to a chiropractor, and that didn't help (because it wasn't really my back).
Maybe you could go to your GP first. Rule out things before messing with your back?